to think seven is too young for boarding school? long!

[nowirehangers]

I honestly would love some people to tell me IABU and explain to me why going to boarding school at seven is not a bad thing because I am truly baffled by this
OK, so dh has an old friend from uni, very sweet guy if a bit screwed up married to a very high achieving wife: head girl, first from Oxford, kick-ass city career etc
She has two dds aged 3 and about four months. When she was pg with her dd1 she made a big deal about how she was going back to work full time and getting a full-time live-in nanny. Fair enough, I thought, as I work part time myself and have a nanny I am certainly not one to judge.
But the other day when chatting at a party about the pros and cons of bringing up dds in London, she said "Well, of course it won't be a problem for us because I'm sending dd1 to boarding school when she's seven"
I thought she was joking and laughed but she went on "No, you see, dh works very long hours and I don't think dd1 will have much fun in the evenings stuck at home with just me and dd2 for company. I think she'll have much more fun at boarding school."
She went on to say she'd started boarding school at eight and loved it and then told me about a friend who'd just sent her ds to boarding school at seven because he found his younger siblings boring and cried whenever his parents went out in the evening saying 'be with me'. They thought he'd be happier surrounded all the time by his contemporaries.
Now am i getting this all wrong? It strikes me seven is WAY too young to be sent away from your parents. The wanting to be with friends all the time thing comes much later, as I recall, and even when it does children still need far more parental input and contact than they think they do.
Or maybe not.
The whole thing seems even screwier in tnat she's always said she wants four dcs, despite - her words - not being maternal - in the slightest. Her dh works ludicrous hours as a lawyer partly because he needs a lucrative career to afford boarding school fees for four. It seems a bit of a catch 22 since she's partly blaming his long hours for the fact the children need to be sent away at the earliest possible opportunity.
I just feel really sad for their sweet little girl. The mum added she'd really miss her but it would be in her daughter's best interests so she'd have to bite her lip and put up with it.
Please someone tell me that going to boarding school so young can be a positive thing and this woman is talking sense. Because right now I think she's a loony and it's really getting me down.

[Cammelia]

Can only assumme that people who are DEAD AGAINST, EVER, AT ANY AGE, must have very young children

[Gateau]

I have a very young child, yes, but I know now that I never want to send him - or any other child I may have in the future - to boarding school. I want to see him/them every day - simple.
I'm not ANGRY at what other people want to do though.

[Cammelia]

But that's about you Gateau, what if your teenage dc wanted to go to boarding school?

[Gateau]

So what if it is about me? But I don't believe it would be. Any notion of boarding school would probably be a fairytale one after reading Malory Towers or the like (I was the same as a child), so I wouldn't take it too seriously. I doubt that will happen anyway. In the very unlikely event it does, they still are not going. Firstly, I don't want them to do it and secondly, I don't want to pay the fees.

[twinsetandpearls]

smoke, get shagged and pissed sounds like a description of the students life at the schools I have taught at. At least taking the private option they are more likely t get a good crop of GCSEs.

[Gateau]

Meant to add, I don;t agre with boarding school, so why would I send my DC?
But for those it suits - fine.

[Gateau]

AGREE

[twinsetandpearls]

You have sounded angry in previous posts tbh Gateau, although you are right different things suit differnet people.

When we took dd to look around Stonyhurst and to enrol I had no intention of letting her board, it was her who thought it was fabulous, albeit at an older age than 7. These schools do have shorter terms but pack a lot more in so in a few years she would have been there from eight in the morning, meaning leaving the house at 7am and would finish at 7pm ,meaning she would get home at 8pm. It does make sense to allow an element of flexi boarding.

[Gateau]

You have misread my posts then! Not angry at all. Why would I be? It's just not me for/my children.

[twinsetandpearls]

Using words like hideous does make you sound angry, others admittedly not you - I think - have talked about abuse and why would you have kids to pack them off. Sorry if I have misread you. People do get angry when it comes to any kind of state/ private education or day school/ boarding.

[Gateau]

No probs, twins.
Hideous, in MY eyes - yes it is.

[Themasterandmargaritas]

It's an interesting debate going on here and perhaps i am too late to join it. Dh was sent to boarding school at the age of 7, as his parents were living in the bush, this was his father's job and they had no choice, for in his line of work it meant they would be living in extremem areas. So off dh went, and stayed in various boarding schools until Uni, then the Army. He absolutely loved it all. He has an incredibly close relationship with his parents and respects them much more than I respect mine. One consequence of his boarding school days is that he is totally institutionalised, which drives me mad in some ways and has benefits in other ways, for example he is super tidy but has dreadful table manners

When we met I said 'never, ever would I send any of my children away to boarding school'. We are now in Kenya with excellent day schools for 5 - 13 year olds and mediocre schools, both boarding and day for 13+. To us this place is home and the debate about what to do with our dc when they reach 13 has already started inspite of the eldest being only 7. Naturally we want the best education we can have for our dc and slowly I am realising that the only possible way to achieve this is by considering boarding them in the UK. I couldn't possibly envisage this happening before they were 13 and certainly not at 7. But it really depends on an individual's circumstance and options.

[OonaghBhuna]

7 is far to young. I went to boarding school from 11 because my father was an officer in the army. My parents wanted us to have a good education........Well I hated it and most of the kids there apart from army brats and parents who worked overseas were there because there parents couldnt be bothered.

I remember one little girl who started boarding at the same time as me she was 5

[amethyst86]

My sister went at 4 - a few months before her 5th birthday, I was 9. They made a "special" allowance for her. Our dad was in the forces and a big to do was made about how it was the best thing for us and consistency of education etc etc etc. I didnt mind it really because my Mum was rather difficult and it was often preferable to being at home. However having dc of my own, I realise that my Mum just didnt want us around because I would never in a million years send my child of any age, let alone 4 years old off to boarding school.

[Janni]

Without reading the thread...the only way mine would go to boarding school at that age is if the entire family and extended family were wiped out and social services could not find a good adoptive family for them. That's how strongly I feel about it.

[laweaselmys]

Yes, oh my god themasterandmaragritas my DP hoovers down his food and is incapable of holding a conversation whilst eating (because otherwise I will obviously steal his food)

What do people think about state boarding schools instead of taking troubled children into care? I think they're quite a good idea...

[kitbit]

erm, another hand in the air here to remind people that most of us ex-boarders have excellent manners, great relationships with our parents, no issues with bonding and did not feel in the slightest bit abandoned. Yes, some people hated it and have hang ups from it, but zillions of hang ups belong to zillions of people about many other things too. Every path in life gives a hang up to someone, this is not unique to boarding school. (I know no-one has suggested it is, but just wanting to put the "boarding damages people" into perspective.)

Still agree though that 7 is too young, however much I think that boarding can be great.

[cory]

I spent a short time at a boarding school as a teenager (my choice) and while it was not at all a bad place to be, and would certainly have represented an excellent alternative to a problematic family life, there are still some points that make me grateful that my main education was at home:

I thoroughly enjoyed family conversations round the dinner table at night- the thought that I might have missed out on 11 years of those conversations is unbearable. No boarding school teachers would have had the time or interest to talk to me like my parents did.

I am still really close to my brothers; we are very different people with different interests in life, but we have so many shared memories.

I was involved in the day-to-day running of a home, including the balancing of a family budged, cooking and cleaning, parenting of younger children- these skills have stood me in good stead later in life.

I also realise I have learnt a lot through being able to observe a (successful) marriage at close hand over the years. Harder to do that at boarding school.

I had a lot of freedom in moving around our local area, cycling and walking: I really wouldn't have wanted to have missed that. At boarding school, even at the age of 16, we were only allowed out for short walks in the company of another teenager.

There was a lot of anorexia at the boarding school (despite it being a really caring place); I am glad I didn't have to spend my time with that much pressure on me.

There may be lots of activities in a boarding school, but I and my brothers kept ourselves very active anyway at home.

Educationally, it was not really any better than my state school, but at home I was able to draw on my family's educational resources.

I feel the same about my own dcs - not that boarding school is necessarily bad, but that what we have to offer at home is pretty damn good: I don't feel we need to look for an alternative. Which is just as well, as we wouldn't be able to pay for it anyway

[SugarBird]

Hi domesticslattern - I know it's hours since you asked the question about how being sent to boarding school affected parenting our own children and this thread has moved on since then, but (have been out since then!)...

It was probably the biggest factor in my decision to be a sahm (or work-at-home-mum - can't afford otherwise!) and also when DS2 was desperately unhappy at school it was a major contributory factor in my decision to home educate. I want to be there for them in a way that my parents definitely weren't there for me.

There are lots of people on this thread who are/were happy about boarding and that's great! My problem was that I felt that I was being sent away, and so did a lot of the other very young children that I was at boarding school with. Boarding schools may have changed - hopefully - but for me being a parent with kids at home is a privilege and my children will be grown up all to soon (well one is already 18 but has AS and will be around with us for some years to come...) and I want us to enjoy life together as a family.

That's not to say my kids don't go away - DS2 (14) is lucky enough to travel to Europe regularly for his sport and he loves the independence of being away with other kids and a coach - but a week at a time is different from 36 weeks a year.

[SugarBird]

all too soon

[gabygirl]

"what if your teenage dc wanted to go to boarding school?"

I should imagine a time will come when dd, ds1 and ds2 would prefer to not see dh and I every day. I think most teenagers would jump at the chance to get out from under their parents watchful eyes. Doesn't mean it's good for them!

I think children and young people need parenting. I'm don't want to ask anyone else to stand in for me in a parental role with my children, and that's what you're doing when you send your children to boarding school.

BTW - me and my siblings were sent to school because my parents were in the diplomatic service. The rationale was that we'd get more stability and a better education at home. What bollocks. I was a lazy little sod who simply scraped through my O'levels, as did my (extremely bright) brother. We didn't arrive at school with a work ethic (lazyness and coasting is a family trait) and while we were there nobody was interested enough in us to take charge and shepherd us through. I sorely wish we'd gone to local schools - it would have been a more interesting experience and I think I would have come out of it a happier person.

But then there are probably a lot of parents in the boarding school system who'd want to commit ritual suicide if their children didn't make it to a redbrick university or Oxbridge, and who consider the sacrifice of 10 years of family life a fair trade-off for a top flight career in medicine or the city.

I'm just not that ambitious for my children. I went to a local poly with a fairly poor clutch of A-levels but have still managed to find work that is challenging and creative. DH went to a seriously crap comprehensive but did much better than me educationally and also has a decent job. All I want for my children is that they have work they enjoy, self respect and good relationships. They don't need to spend their childhoods in a different county from me in order to achieve those things.

[gabygirl]

Just sat here and reread my post. OMG - my grammar is dreadful. All that money the tax-payer forked out to send me to boarding school and still I write like an arse. [shame]

Wish they'd just sent me to the local comp and given me the cash instead!

[mytetherisending]

gabygirl I think lots of children need 'parenting' as well and if a parent is out at work most of the time the child is awake then they won't be 'parented' at home. At least at boarding school they won't be left to their own devices in their teenage years, getting home to nobody and then going out on the streets with friends. At least at boarding school they are encouraged to have lots of hobbies to fill in spare time. I personally am an Army wife and Ex RAF, so will be seriously condidering it and giving both DDs the option, especially at secondary school age. Since it appears more common for children to go at 11yrs because later than that can cause bonding problems, due to most starting at the beginning of secondary ed. By 4th yr most boarders will have got their own friends/clicks and it would be far more difficult to integrate.

I don't want to 'send my child away' and am a loving and caring mum, however, for her long term health and wellbeing (since socio-economic status is closely linked with health) I feel to do as well as possible in school she would need to board, for continuity in her education.

[bobthebuddha]

Christ, this thread has made me feel sad. I posted on the duplicate that I was packed off at 8. I loathed it. No phone calls 'til we were 11, 1 weekly letter home which was read by the powers that be before posting & woe betide you if you cast any aspersions on the place. No affection, no hugs, total dislocation from everything you knew & loved. But of course I would always say I was fine, everything was fine.

Remember an interview with Rupert Everett who was sent off young too; he said something along the lines that it ices up your heart & emotions. Stiff upper lip & all that.

Once I had my DS & DD I asked my parents what on earth they were thinking sending us all away. It was because there weren't any decent schools close to home apparently. Why didn't you just move then, you f*ers? Deeep breath, vent over. Being a Forces parent my be one decent reason for it, but there aren't many others I can think of. And 7 is most definitely too young. Nothing, nothing would induce me to send my children away.

DH taught in a boarding prep/pre-prep school for a brief time & he found it heartbreaking walking round the dorms each night vainly attempting to comfort weeping 5 year olds.

[mytetherisending]

I do agree that success depends on personality as well as where you are educated. However, continual disruption to education is not good, nor is having the stress of exams as well as having to make new friends and fit in somewhere every few years.