to think that a normally confident, professional, well-educated woman shouldn't turn into a little-girl-lost at baby groups?

[Bumperlicious]

Gah! I get so cross with myself. I haven't been to baby groups for a long time as I am back at work 3 days and the 2 days I am off we just like to potter. But been feeling a bit lonely so thought I would go to one today, never been before, it's at a church.

Anyway, it was full of people who all obviously knew each other, and despite me hanging around on my own for about an hour none of them made the effort to talk to me. I didn't just want to but it, though I did try and talk to them when they were noting the names that were all really similar "yours is an XXXX? Oh, mine's YYYY." Blank look. I eventually chatted very briefly to a couple of mothers, on my instigation. But no-one made the effort to talk to me despite clearly looking like I needed rescuing.

The thing is I am normally a very out going confident person, however I was bullied at school and these groups just make me feel like the square girl on the edge, trying to hang around with the cool kids. I just wanted to cry to be honest. What an idiot! And the worst thing is it makes me really "restrained" around my dd, I don't do any silly noises, or playing with her, just sort of follow her around going "oooh look DD, a doggy. Oh it's a baby". The thing is despite being on the surface confident and outgoing, becoming a mother has really knocked it out of me and I feel like I've lost my self confidence.

Help me feel better! How can I do better at these things? I must look like a complete lemon. This so isn't me!

Totally know how you feel. We'd also moved 300 miles from a place where I had a successful job, good circle of friends etc so I knew nobody in our new area. I felt like such a newbie for ages but just gritted my teeth and forced myself to keep going to every playgroup I could. It took a few visits but now I've got plenty of coffee morning/ glass of wine in the evening kind of friends, and invariably bump into people I know in town/Tescos etc, which makes me feel more at home here.

It does come, sometimes people just need to see you a few times to realise you're staying around and put themselves out enough to speak to you. Sad, but true in my experience.. Keep going though, I'd talk to you, you sound lovely!

It sounds miserable, poor you! I think you've had some good advice above, I definitely fake the confidence.
Both the M&T we go to are very friendly and welcoming. I always try to speak to a new face (if they're not already being talked to) because it can look like we've all known each other for ages (actually, scarily, we have. My DS will not miss his toddler group and we've been going since I went back to work, more than 18 months ago, argghhh).You could try that same one once more, but if you still get the cliquey vibes, then steer clear. Find another one. Most Mums will know how you feel.

bumper
How old is your dd?
Because I wouldn't get too stressed about her socialising, it will come in time and a few m and t groups are not the be and end all. What happens when you're at work? If she naps at those times let her nap and you can chill out. When she drops the nap try again
I've always worked p/t and it is much harder in those situations to find mummy friends who fit round your days off I think you have to accept that to a point, it's one of the working downsides. The upside is you don't have to spend your life at baby and toddler groups

She's 14mo. DH looks after her while I am at work so she doesn't see anyone else when she is with. I can't persuade him to take her to any groups. I wonder why .

You simply can't walk into a club / group or whatever and immediately feel at home .. unless it is starting that day and everyone is new to it

It's rather like Mumsnet .. look around, smile and acknowledge people .. then gradually over a few weeks strike up conversations and then start to initiate coffees etc

On your first meeting you are the new person .. interact with your child and with other children, smile and be friendly but not overly because overly friendly people can be scary .. unless of course you feel a bond in which case go for it

or choose a group where you 'learn something' .. this is why music and massage and tumble tots is popular .. you on the surface are doing it for the child but really you're all new to it and on a level pegging

I've just enquired about a couple of music classes, lord knows how much they'll cost though. And now that our leisure centre has reopened after last years floods I have started going to "baby gym" but at £3.50 a go for 45mins it's v expensive and the equipment is a bit pathetic. Still the mums there are a bit nicer.

Do not wait for people to talk to you. Unless there is a very good, sensitive organiser, it is every woman for herself. I never really liked them, but did them as a way to meet people when I'd moved to a new area. The trick is to ask questions - say 'I haven't been here before, can you tell me where xxx is?' or 'This is my first time here, can you tell me how it works?' If they blank you, they are rude beyond words and not worth knowing. Generally though, it's a way in and once someone's answered your question you can ask about their child, compliment their child, ask their advice on something etc. You just have to network in the way you would do at work!

Bumper, where do you live? Are there any other mumsnetters who you could go to groups with?

I'm in Edinburgh, i would come with you but you probably don't live here!

bumper, ikewym lovely.....I find these things hard as well, and add to that a bit of PND/AND and I tend to lurk at home most days rather than have to face it. My confidence has gone completely since becoming a mum and I find it all really hard. It's only now that DS is in year 2 at school that I feel I have forged some meaningful playground relationships.

Have you tried posting on the MN local site for your area? I'm sure there are some lovely MNers that will want to meet up with you at soft play or whatever, or buddy you along to whatever group they go to.

Didn't realise this was you; I only clicked to see if I could get some advice

Unfortunately the M&T group that my DD likes, is the cheapest at £1, and the closest but is very unfriendly and has a reputation for being so. One week I saw a mother reading a newspaper I think I'll be taking one along next week.

I only go to one M&T class a week the rest of the mornings I go to classes, its expensive but saves my sanity.

This is me! I wish I could do it, I just can't bring myself to. One I went to was so exclusive, I left. ( Not, I understand, the advice you may be looking for).

god i have sooooo been there.
I feel about 6 years old when i am there
i go to a steiner parent and toddler group and they are wonderful.
really inclusive and caring.
i also met fab people at Bf group and we have a mini group once a week where we take turns to go to each others houses.
my dp not up for groups either.maybe they nee dto start ones for men ?
i come home feeling shite if i ever go so i prefer to just hang out with my ds.
why oh why does this make us all feel like this ?

Send DH - the group DD and I went to for a while, the most popular person in the room was the one dad who took his DS, and the one time my DH took DD to a toddler group he had loads of attention (and he is NOT more sociable than me, far from it).

It's daft, I've talked to so many people online who seem like me since having DD, but IRL everyone seems so terribly confident. If only toddlers and babies could MN, we wouldn't need to leave the house ...

ha ha dontcallmebaby.
exactly...where are all these mnetters irl ?

Just keep turning up - remember they were all new once and probably felt like you. it's a different world to work but after a bit that can be a good different thing. One of the nicest things I found was that you do get to make friends with people you wouldn't otherwise have met. If I ever feel like this I always remember a pep-talk given to me by my Mum when I was about 6. Someone had asked if I was shy and my Mum had said to me that being shy was not something that it was good to be because it meant that you were mainly thinking about yourself rather than what you were doing or who you were with. Further that (it was a party) if you were a guest it was your duty to be a 'good' guest and join in and there would always be someone feeling the same or worse than you - help other people to feel relaxed by approaching them and making them feel at ease etc.. It sounds a harsh chat to have with a 6 year old but for for the last 30something years have founf it a useful approach in many situations. Remember most people like talking about themselves / their lives to some extent. Even a name or brief bit of information can be stored as a social hook to make contact the next time you see them. Just think of it as 'networking' and you'll be fine

When DS was little the main thing that kept my head together was staying in as much touch as possible with my friends ie people I already knew and liked, not just people who had children. We starte todderl groups when he was about 1 and I had all the same experiences of being isolated and llost and all that - but I was sort of ready for it. We moved to a new area when DS was 6 months old, I am an Older Mum and a Single Mum and I have wierd worldviews. I just kept gritting my teeth, making polite smalltalk when the opportunity arose and reminding myself that I had friends already and didn't need any of these people to be anything other than acquaintances. 3 years down the line I have a few playgroup friends that I actually quite like, DS has loads of mates and I rub along with the rest of the parents well enough.
But there have been at least 2 toddler groups that I stopped going to because they were totally Not Us. One was way too 'By the way, would you like to join the bible study class?' the other, while being on the list at clinic as a general toddler group was clearly more for younger mums in difficult situations (Well the children play with the play leader and the mummies can do a bit of remedial reading or basket weaving over here...)

Like everyone else, you have my sympathy on this one. I was lucky to find a few like-minded mums at a post-natal exercise class when dd1 was a baby, and we then moved through tumble-tots etc together. But now I have moved back to my hometown and am having to start again- it is daunting, but I think you have to don an invisible suit of armour and just keep plugging away. If someone doesn't want to spend the time to get to know you, that is their loss- move on to the next person! The whole thing reminds me of the excruciating dating process. (And I often feel like I am saying "do you want to be my friend?" like an awkward 5 yo, but I guess it's all part of it)Good luck next time! I am currently on the waiting list for our local mums and toddlers, so how scary will it actually be if I have the good fortune to be accepted into their hallowed halls?!

I think all of us who like to think of ourselves as confident career women all have something that makes us feel like a little girl lost.