To think that a 5 year old child should automatically take their plate into the kitchen etc?

[CatMandu]

Ds and dd2 both had friends to play a couple of days ago, so we had five children for supper. One of the guests looked at me as if I was asking him to do something extraordinary when I asked him to take his plate into the kitchen. He also just wandered away from the table when the food was finished.

Now, it made me wonder if I'm a little unrealistic expecting children to ask to leave the table and to clear their plates away. I don't want to embarrass my dc's or their friends. The children were all 5 and 6.

YABU to expect this automatically, yes. People have different rules in different houses, and they might find some of your rules pointless and bizarre.

Shit. I've clearly completely stuffed up then. My teenagers often have to be reminded to take their plates out. Then they have to be reminded to put them in the dishwasher rather than leaving them scattered randomly around the kitchen. They were taught what to do when they were younger, guv, honest.

Mine do and my 2 year old ds always sets the table.

it's just what children are used to isn't it?

We had friends for tea and I was shocked in that they ate all their meal and actually asked for more - that never happens here but I can't expect all children to complain about what they've been given and eat tiny portions that wouldn't keep a bird alive can I?

DS (4.6) wouldn't expect to tidy his plate away, although he would should ask to get down. But he would put his clothes in the washing basket - different houses, different priorities.

But he would fully understand that different houses have different rules and to abide by the rules of the house he's in (cf jumping on beds/sofas, removing shoes etc etc etc)

Maybe he lives in a house where they eat in the kitchen so his parents let him leave the plate on the table. I think some 5 year olds might forget to ask to leave the table if he was excited about being at a friend's house.

I have had children behave far worse in my house!

Point, hedgehog. We eat in the kitchen - I don't want dss wandering around while I am in there, getting under my feet. It's not that they don't bother taking their plates, it's that they have been taught not to.

Mine don't, until I tell them to do so and then they do!

Lazy little blighters tbh........

Mine wouldn't do clear her place automatically. Sometimes she helps me clear, sometimes I'd rather she went off and played because there is so little time between dinner and bedtime in our house.

I hope her friends' mothers don't think she has no manners just because it's not something I ask her to do.

Some kids aren't even used to eating at a table. I think YABU to expect a visiting kid to know first time off how you do things in your house.

No YANBU. Mine do it (8yr and 5yrs on Sunday). Sometimes they need reminding and prompting but often they just do it.

Certainly it is only polite to ask to leave the table. Maybe taking the plate out is a bit much - sometimes I take the whole pile out to save too much milling around in the kitchen but the asking to leave is non-negotiable in our house.

Then again there is a trend for people not eating at the table at all these days so maybe the rules have been unnecessary for some children. I think my BIL and his family are like that.

I wouldn't expect it automatically because different houses have different rules, etc.

But - is it bad manners for children to clear away their plate when they are done? (eg. they get down when they are done and take plate - others might still be eating.) My dd's do this, but my MIL pointed out that it is bad manners..

We usually eat up the table in the conservatory which has a stone tiled floor so me or DH take the plates through to the kitchen as don't want any accidents with my denby plates.

Mmm - i encourage my kids to ask to leave the table, but I don't encourage them to take their plates away as the dining table is about two steps away from the sink - no big deal for me to clear up at the end (and I admit, I worry about breakage and mess). DH and I don't automatically clear our plates away when we finish either, if we're sitting around drinking a cup of tea.

hmmmm, I just tell all visitors to take their plates to the kitchen ponce they have finished. D has a couple of friends who always eat in their kitchens, so for them they may not automatically take their plates to the kitchen after eating at mine as they don't do this at home, so I just ask them to here.

It is a bit unreasonable to assume that all parents follow the same rules and procedures.

jennifer I don't think it is bad manners. I think it is unfair to make a small child wait till everyone is finished before leaving the table, but think it is good for them to take their plates into the kitchen, so don't see how it could be bad manners?

They were guests, they should not be expected to clear up after themselves

Actually more, I think you raise a good point. If I was eating at a friend's house, and received snotty reminders about a rule I didn't know they had, I would think them extremely rude.

Well quite Smug, but you woulsn't think twice about helping clear up if it was just an informal supper and you knew the friend really well would you?

I'm not waiting on DS's playdates hand and foot when they come over, they are always round here so I expect them to muck in and help and I will treat them with respect while they are here.

Well, no, I wouldn't, but I'm not 5, which is why it's an unrealistic expectation to have

LOL I hate my guests helping me clear the table / coming into the kitchen. I can manage perfectly well on my own - what I cannot cope with is lots of incompetent people lending an ineffectual hand.

My ds's clear their plates & load the dishwasher after dinner. Unless they've made dinner, then they don't have to help tidy up.

If I have grownup guests for dinner (which is hardly ever cos our house is tiny and the 4 of us barely fit in it) I would never expect them to help clear up. They're our guests.

If the boys hae their friends round though, I tell them to take their plates through.

Mine do. It's a matter of training. Screech "PLAAAAAAAAATE" like a demented thing every day for 3 years and you're sorted

i don't have many expectations of visiting 5 year olds - particularly around something like table manners.

everyone has differnt rules and things that they prioritise in their own homes