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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To remind a friend's child to say please?

71 replies

snowleopard · 10/09/2008 10:56

I'm feeling a bit bad about it because I told DP about it and he says he wouldn't have done it. This child (aged 3) was ordering me to move away from climbing frame (where I was standing helping DS) so she could climb down. I'm so used to reminding DS (who also has a bossy tendency) that I just said "Please!" in that slightly reprimanding tone you do (well I do...) She said please in a tiny voice so I then moved.

There is a bit of a backstory in that this child is rarely told "no" or made to do anything she doesn't want to do (eg get off swings for other people to have turn), which can be a bit frustrating when I'm trying to teach DS manners and sharing. So I was probably a bit wound up to start with. I could feel my friend looking at me but didn't meet her eyes and the moment passed. I feel she probably does feel criticized by me. But OTOH should I let her DD boss me around for the sake of our friendship?

OP posts:

MorningTownRide · 10/09/2008 12:41

Eons ago, I used to work in Butlins in Minehead behind the various bars.

If anyone didn't say please I would ask "And what is the magic word?"

Mostly they would grin and say "please"

Sometimes the person would look at you blankly while the rest of the queue would chorus "PLEASE"

It works with the dcs too!

LittleMyDancing · 10/09/2008 12:42

am I the only one wondering why any kind of issue has to be raised with the mother?

Asking a child to say please is not exactly earth shattering. I would expect any sane adult to remind my DS to say please if he was being bossy, and wouldn't see it as a comment on my parenting or anything worth having an indepth conversation about.

DS is going to have relationships with all sorts of people over the years, am I really going to police all of them constantly because noone will tell him if he's being a bit rude?

mou · 10/09/2008 12:42

don't mean to get heavy but loads of people complain that society is falling apart and i think it starts at a young age. i think there should be a manners revolution. people holding doors open for each other, manners, respect.. the whole lot.

I encourage people to remind my DS if he is not thinking as sometimes it means more coming from someone else, I am really proud that my son thinks to open a door for an elderly person, or stand up on the bus to let a mum and toddler have a seat.

I don't think it is bullying of snowleopard, chances are she's the type of mum that would also help a child in a difficult situation as well and there's not enough of that.
i wouldn't mention it to the mum but if it came up would say i had no intention to offend and admit it was an impulse like with my own child

ingles2 · 10/09/2008 12:43

YANBU.... I do it with dc's friends all the time when they come round for tea. I expect their mums to do it to mine.

Kewcumber · 10/09/2008 12:51

morningtown - my mum once asked my nephew (about 4 or 5 at the time) "whats the magic word?" Came the reply (after some thought... "Abracadabra"

Original poster

snowleopard · 10/09/2008 13:11

I definitely was not trying to make some kind of passive-aggressive point to the mum through her child - I would far rather she hadn't heard, because I don't want her to feel got at.

I was actually being a bit rhetorical when I asked "how would you address the mum about it?" - what I meant was I thought that would be a bit OTT and far more interfering. It's not something I want to do because it would be like saying "Here's a parenting lesson from me to you". I don't really agree with the way she's raising her child but that doesn't make me right. The question was more, was I right to relate to her child directly in that way, ie to remind her child (and my DS) that I won't accept being spoken to like that.

OP posts:

ingles2 · 10/09/2008 14:01

The answer to your question SL I guess is,...
Would you expect/want/mind parents to remind your dc's of their manners? if yes, then you are reasonable to remind others.

SquiffyHock · 10/09/2008 14:08

I worked in a very swish hotel while I was at uni training to be a teacher. I was on teaching practice in the day and working the bar at night. One evening a group of suits came in and one obnoxious bloke managed to order a whole round without looking at me, when i gave him his change I just automatically said "thank-you" - in that great patronising tone that is actually a reminder (you know the one).
All of his mate burst out laughing, luckily he took it well as I thought that I could have been in trouble.

MorningTownRide · 10/09/2008 14:11

Rofl Kew!

SquiffyHock - funny really. I worked in Butlins and you worked in an swish hotel and we both experienced bad manners

soon2be3 · 10/09/2008 14:13

It's never unreasonable to teach others basic manners whatever their age.

thomsc · 10/09/2008 16:10

I remind children AND adults to say please and thank you.

deepinlaundry · 10/09/2008 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeeBee · 10/09/2008 16:21

YANBU. God, I do it all the time to other people's kids, as well as my own. Just as I would ask them to sit down while they are eating and stop screaching at each other. I expect their mothers would do the same and I think it is good for them to know the rules of politeness always apply. I would have absolutely no problem in anyone reminding my kids to say please and thank you if they forgot. How are they supposed to learn unless they are guided? I don't see it as telling off - just a gentle reminder is fine.

Janos · 10/09/2008 17:33

YANBU

It's good manners and a 3 is old enough to understand about 'please' and thank you'.

AnnVan · 10/09/2008 18:25

I don't think YABU, my MIL's 3 yo DD NEVER ever says please. Any evening in their house is a constant chorus of I WANT this I WANT that I WANT, and frankly I always bite my tongue because she's old enough to know how to say please (obviously I'm fully aware that sometimes children forget/deliberately don't do it, but she is never told to say please, people just do as she tells them.)

leogirl · 11/09/2008 10:16

I don't think there is any excuse for rude children - whats going to happen to that child when she goes to school?! Get a bit of a shock I'd think. Manners cost nothing and I'd have done the same, my DS had his friends round to play the other day and one of them barked at me to go and get something for him - no please or thank you - and I was horrified with myself for not insisting on a please. (they are 7). I will definitely do it the next time - respect is vital and something all children should be taught - and it doesn't matter who does it surely! I think this comes to down to respect and if a 3 yr old is speaking to you like that now what will they be like in 3 more years time? by then you won't want your DS to be their friend. so YANBU !!!

casbie · 11/09/2008 11:48

"oh I wouldn't let anybody talk to me like a piece of shit. 3 years old or not. I'd tell em."

i agree.

i am appualled at what some children shout at their parents.

at 3.

pagwatch · 11/09/2008 12:48

Kewcumber
don't mind people using ta when it is their usual phrase - just the people that say thank you themselves but them bellow TA at small children.

My DS2 had profound speech delay but I still used thank you with him. Other kids with verbal dyspraxia etc may of course get on better with ta.
DS2 has hardly any useful speech but still says please and thank you - which is always quite funny if people are not polite to him. I have done the occasional 'so he has speech patterns of a three year old and said please to you but you , as an adult ....'

bit mean really

pagwatch · 11/09/2008 13:00

i don't do it to other children and would pretty much be if others did it to mine - because my children are well mannered but I don't see please and thank you as the only manifestations as that.

My friend is a please freak and when our daughters were together we several times had this scenario

paglet " oh x what a beautiful cake you made . I would love a piece of that if thats allowed"
friends mummy "PLEASE paglet !"

friend "I want that big bit please"
friends mummy "of course darling - as you asked so nicely

I was always a bit that my DD got tutted at when actually her manner was always polite whilst her DD was praised when she was curt and was greedy but just dropped 'please' on the end of a demand . I would always prefer the former.

VickyPea · 11/09/2008 13:03

I don't think you were being unreasonable. It comes down to respect, which is missing everywhere these days (kids and adults alike)these days. Yesterday a guy dropping his kids off at nursery, barged through the door in front of me, I said in a loud voice, you're welcome. I thought perhaps he had just got out of bed the wrong side. Then the same bloke did it again to me last night, next time I will trip him up !!

People say that both my kids have beautiful manners (not that I am bragging!) and my 2YO says please and thank you more often than the one who is 6.
Mind, I also used to work in a bar and made the punters say please when they shouted Bud at me, that said there was a large bar between me and the skin head I was talking to!

electra · 11/09/2008 13:05

No, I think you were completely reasonable - you shouldn't feel bad at all.

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