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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To remind a friend's child to say please?

71 replies

snowleopard · 10/09/2008 10:56

I'm feeling a bit bad about it because I told DP about it and he says he wouldn't have done it. This child (aged 3) was ordering me to move away from climbing frame (where I was standing helping DS) so she could climb down. I'm so used to reminding DS (who also has a bossy tendency) that I just said "Please!" in that slightly reprimanding tone you do (well I do...) She said please in a tiny voice so I then moved.

There is a bit of a backstory in that this child is rarely told "no" or made to do anything she doesn't want to do (eg get off swings for other people to have turn), which can be a bit frustrating when I'm trying to teach DS manners and sharing. So I was probably a bit wound up to start with. I could feel my friend looking at me but didn't meet her eyes and the moment passed. I feel she probably does feel criticized by me. But OTOH should I let her DD boss me around for the sake of our friendship?

OP posts:

psychomum5 · 10/09/2008 11:39

YANBU. I do it.

I also find myself telling adults to as well......if they ask me for something the amount of times I follow with "please?" (said in the smae tone I use with my kiddies and others)......oh the shame. and I look like that too!

TheFallenMadonna · 10/09/2008 11:42

It's a conditioned response with me I think -comes from teaching. I tell people who drop litter to pick it up a fair amount too.

Hulababy · 10/09/2008 11:56

YANBU.

I would and do, in a gentle tone.

Original poster

snowleopard · 10/09/2008 11:58

I should clear up that this isn't at all about me trying to teach her child good manners. (Too late for that! ) I do think that's the mum's business. But as someone said, when it's between me and the DD, I don't want to be spoken to rudely, and what I also find difficult is when I'm working quite hard to consistently remind DS to be polite, to share the playground equipment etc., and then right in front of him he sees me taking orders from another child - that seemed wrong to me. So it is more about me and my DS than trying to "intervene" in my friend's parenting as it were.

OP posts:

MrsBick · 10/09/2008 11:59

YANBU.
i do this with adults/ teenagers
altho usually it's "you're welcome!!" because they haven't bothered to say thanks

nametaken · 10/09/2008 12:00

YANBU - but if you keep doing it you're gonna lose that friend.

I'm welsh and instead of please we very often say "love", as in "pass me that bag love". I say it all the time, it's natural to me. One (non-welsh) friend took it upon herself to constantly correct me by saying pointedly "please" to me if I said love to her kid instead of please! I don't bother with her much now.

So although you're not being unreasonable, ask yourself what you want more, a friend, or to correct a 3 year old.

Twiglett · 10/09/2008 12:01

if she refuses to teach her own children manners and good modes of behaviour then you have no option really ... she will learn as child gets older that bringing up a brat is not conducive to a happy childhood

mou · 10/09/2008 12:02

YANBU.. and i know a similar child whose manners are wanting for whatever reason and when she does use them i bive her a big smile and tell her she has lovely manners.
i think it is really important for kids to use them and learn basic respect. i would expect people to remind my children. i always do it gently with other peoples children but with light hearted banter with my own...'oi use your manners 'please' or i'll lock you in the chokey (see Matilda by Roald Dahl..).'...laughing.
I use humour a lot with my children and they are often complimented on how polite and considerate they are.

Icantbelieveitsnotbitter · 10/09/2008 12:06

Taking all the above points into consideration, don't you find that you have so much running through your head, so many things to do, that you automatically correct 'bad' manners without giving it a thought !!

My DS (4) now says a very cute 'you're welcome' whenever anyone says 'thank you' to him ! He's also the first to point out the omission of a please or thank you !!

Long may it last .....

Original poster

snowleopard · 10/09/2008 12:06

Hmm nametaken, I see your point. But I'm not driven by a burning desire to educate her 3yo. It's more what to do when someone else's 3yo treats you with behaviour you wouldn't accept from your own, who is standing right there.

OP posts:

ScottishMummy · 10/09/2008 12:08

yabu imposing your adult perspective and judgement on a child.clearly you have issue with mum

bit bullying because you know "meek" mummy wont speak up. if mum was more confident and not meek would you do it

children get caught up in the moment,the exhileration of activity omitting to say "please" is not indicative they are bad mannered, it will come if gently reinforced and praised.not hissed over the playground

obviously i do reinforce and praise please etc but it annoys me when other's bark at toddlers like commanding a pet

Sit down
say please/thank you

Original poster

snowleopard · 10/09/2008 12:08

I did do it automatically. I only thought about it afterwards.

OP posts:

nametaken · 10/09/2008 12:10

oh I wouldn't let anybody talk to me like a piece of shit. 3 years old or not. I'd tell em.

mabel1973 · 10/09/2008 12:11

i think it depends on the situation.
I have a friend who's children i feel don't have particularly good manners and have reminded them from time to time, but only if I feel they are being rude, as I don't feel that comfortable telling other peoples kids what to do, she however has no qualms about reminding my kids!

Original poster

snowleopard · 10/09/2008 12:14

If mum was more confident, I imagine we would both be comfortable with reminding each other's kids so it wouldn't be an issue.

I don't feel it is bullying behaviour by me, but I am worried she may feel judged. You say I have an "issue" with her and I think that's true. We spend a lot of time together with our children and yes the lack of control/direction she gives her DD does frustrate me - because, as I've said, I'm trying to help DS learn how to behave at the same time. So he has to share the swing/be polite etc, but his friend doesn't. Must happen a million times over at playdates all over the world every day, as we all parent slightly differently, and I'm sure there are other parents who would find me too lax.

It is interesting to hear what everyone thinks though and I am listening to the YABUs.

OP posts:

ScottishMummy · 10/09/2008 12:14

Yo-you go nametaken aint taking no shit from 3yo.Is your manor really ruff need to tell off 3yo?

ScottishMummy · 10/09/2008 12:16

SL you need to addreess your concerns to the mum not thechild.chastising the child when you have issue with mum is counter productive

susiecutiebananas · 10/09/2008 12:18

YANBU. I have said thank you to DD when she has given me something since she was very very little ( 7 months old+ maybe? ) Anyway, she has said thank you very nicely since before the age of 1. Approriatly too. Now, she says 'welcome' if she gives me something and I say thank you! I wasn't aware that I said it all that often!

She is not so good at saying thank you to other people, unless she knows them fairly well, as she gets shy ( and odd thing to think of my DD) but, she does, when it comes to speaking to people she's not so sure about.

I also say please, and she is starting to when asking things. She's 19 months old now. so still quite young to be 're enforcing' manners on. So we make allowances for her age start as we mean to go on though hey!

susiecutiebananas · 10/09/2008 12:18

Original poster

snowleopard · 10/09/2008 12:20

I wouldn't call it chastising... I didn't say "Now now, you must say please you rude child" or anything like that.

I agree the background - as I said in the OP - had a part to play. But how would you address the issue with the mum? Wouldn't that be even worse and more interfering?

OP posts:

mabel1973 · 10/09/2008 12:20

I can understand what you are saying snowleopard, I have a similar situation with my friend, we have different parenting skills and her kids certainly are allowed to get away with more than mine are, it makes life difficult when you are trying to enforce something with your own kids.
I think manners are important though, the mum have felt you were being critical of her, or she may just have felt embarrassed that she didn't say something to the child 1st if she was being rude to you.

nametaken · 10/09/2008 12:23

Scottishmummy I haven't found it necessary to tell a 3 year old off yet, but I would if they treated me badly.

I wouldn't say I live in a rough area, but there is definately a mix of people around here.

ScottishMummy · 10/09/2008 12:32

only you can decide whether to adress issues with mum or let go but dont address it through her daughter

is it worth raising, can you accept as not to your liking and tolerate?

what will friend say when you raise issue?will it be bolt out of blue or is their an acknowledgement of an issue?

Kewcumber · 10/09/2008 12:37

"then proceeded to tear the bread into pieces and make it into a tortoise" - am I the only one who thought this sounded quite entertaining and would be delighted if anyone decided to distract my DS in this way in a restaurant!

ScottishMummy · 10/09/2008 12:38

just wondering NT with your Toddlers-take-no-shit-stance just sounded very in-da-hood

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