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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uneasy about F-I-L?

30 replies

123Louise123 · 08/09/2008 17:05

I feel awful writing this but here goes;

My baby girl is due at the end of the year and basically something is really bothering me about my FIL. I feel a bit worried when I think of leaving my future baby with him. I am not sure whether I am being daft or not.

About 5 years ago my niece was born, my in - laws looked after her a lot. As most babies do - she enjoyed kicking her legs up in the air with no nappy on. In a kind of joking way, my FIL said something like 'look at her - the slut'. (Although, he also used to say this about the dog when she rolled onto her back, wanting her belly rubbed.)

I just think this is an awful dirty word to describe a baby (even as a joke) and I can't seem to shake it off.

I would like my baby to be close to her grandparents, my MIL is such a lovely person but this comment 5 years ago has really put me off leaving my baby alone with him (for example if my MIL popped out to the shops).

My husband and I do not particularly like my FIL very much as he is very biggoted and annoying but we do tolerate him for short periods of time.

I don't know what to do. I'd feel awful telling my husband my concerns as I am talking about his father. I don't know how to bring it up. I know my husband had a normal childhood and didn't have any problems.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
mummy5bellies · 08/09/2008 17:08

Do you have to leave the baby there? Are they offering childcare for you, or is it just the odd visit type thing?

oeufflorentine · 08/09/2008 17:10

No need to leave baby alone with him; they can have a bond (a) without baby being nappyless (b) with you there.

if you want to leave the baby for a break, use another family member or a babysitter.

stillstanding · 08/09/2008 17:10

I must admit I would be quite put off about this but try not to blow it out of proportion. It was 5 years ago and it sounds like it is just a word he uses (very inappropriately, I know). If he ever did use it in relation to your baby I would pull him up sharply though.

WinkyWinkola · 08/09/2008 17:12

I don't think you are being unreasonable in feeling that you don't like your FIL and something he said makes you feel uncomfortable. You're allowed (as we all are!) not to like people based on our gut instincts. But what you've got to watch is how you handle this dislike.

"Slut" is a very odd, creppy thing to say. And it would give me the heebie jeebies too. But is there anything else that you can spot that would add to your gut feelings before you talk to your DH about your concerns?

Meanwhile, if you're not comfortable with him being alone with your child(ren), then you're simply going to have to make sure he isn't.

WinkyWinkola · 08/09/2008 17:13

I meant creepy.

Original poster
123Louise123 · 08/09/2008 17:15

No, I don't need them for childcare at all.

I just think they would think that I am odd if I don't let my daughter visit/ stay over once in a while as my MIL adores babies and children (my niece stays every weekend Friday to Sunday - that would not be the case with us as we would want the three of us to have some time as a family on the weekend).

I may also need them to look after her in an emergency.

OP posts:
forevercleaning · 08/09/2008 17:23

what a vile comment to make about your niece. Even if it was in jest it is referring to a baby in a sexual way - horrible.

BUT - that does not mean he is anything more than an ignoramus, and speaks without thinking things through.

If he makes comments about your child, then let him know you think it is disgusting and innapropriate.

Original poster
123Louise123 · 08/09/2008 17:24

Stillstanding - that's what I wonder too - am I being too worked up about this to see things clearly.

He is very inappropriate most of the time, so it could be just something he said as a joke. He doesn't seem to recognise when other people are fed up or shocked etc with him.

OP posts:
youknownothingofthecrunch · 08/09/2008 17:27

You do know that slut has different connotations to the older generation?

My dad once called me a slut for coming downstairs in a towel as a teenager. I almost burst into tears. He couldn't understand the problem until mum took him to one side and explained that it doesn't mean what it used to (my dad is really proper and never swears).

Is it possible this is a misunderstanding?

youknownothingofthecrunch · 08/09/2008 17:32

Just to add that the other meaning is not sexual at all - it's another way of saying slattern (untidy, unclean, unkempt). It used to be used a lot as a really mild insult (again, nothing sexual at all) for women.

I may be grasping at straws, but this could really just be a generational misunderstanding. Or of course, your FIL might be an utter arse.

traceybath · 08/09/2008 17:33

Totally inappropriate comment re your FIL. But i also wonder whether its a bit of a thing where he didn't feel it was appropriate for baby to be kicking around with no nappy on in full view of everyone.

I know my pil would rather nappy changing etc took place upstairs and think thats quite a common attitude in that generation.

I wouldn't worry too much if you're not going to be leaving your baby there alone very often.

Tittybangbang · 08/09/2008 17:38

I think you're readin way to much into this comment. My dad has said something like this on the odd occasion too. He's just an old fart - in the nicest sort of way. People of that age do sometimes say really inappropriate things - they don't have the same 'paedophile antennae' that people of our generation have. My three year old ds is really boob fixated - he's not long been weaned, and he's shoved his hand down my cleavage in public on many occasions. I've laughed it off and said 'oh you dirty devil - leave those boobies alone'. Does that make me creepy too?

ParCark · 08/09/2008 17:45

Message withdrawn

Original poster
123Louise123 · 08/09/2008 17:57

Thanks all. After reading your comments and thinking about his general behaviour, it probably was just him being inappropriate as usual. I guess if he 'meant' it he would not say it out loud.

If he does say something similar about my baby I will tell him that he is out of order.

OP posts:
lingle · 08/09/2008 18:41

I have had the same experience as youknownothingofthecrunch

My mother came into my bedroom when I was 14 and said "DD, you are a SLUT".

This meant my bedroom was v. untidy with clothes piled up, etc.

noonki · 08/09/2008 18:44

123Louise do you have any other concerns - or did you before he said this?

piratecat · 08/09/2008 18:45

i thought about this for a while. I just can't imagine any male i know saying this to a baby.

If anyone i knew had said this i would feel distrubed by it too. If he is arrogant and bigoted then he might just have bad manners, and thats all?

not a nice thing to say imo.

Mamazon · 08/09/2008 18:47

"slut" is a very sexualised and derogatory term. yes i would be very uneasy about hearing it used in relation to a child.

I would say that as long as you are always with your Lo whilst FIL is around there should be no problem.
i dont think i would be happy leaving baby alone with him if you have these concerns already.

I believe that as a mother you have a very strong maternal instinct and as such you should ALWAYS trust your gut.
it may just be a word he uses, but if it is not goping to make things difficult for you ( you dont need them for childcare) then its really not worth the risk.

AnnVan · 08/09/2008 18:50

I personally would be rather disturbed. It probably is just a word he uses, but to use it in relation to a little baby especially as that is just normal baby behaviour. It could show a certain attitude towards girls or women on your FIL's part. I'm not sure I'd have a 'paedo radar' going off but I wouldn't feel comfortable either.

WinkyWinkola · 08/09/2008 19:54

'oh you dirty devil - leave those boobies alone' - Really odd thing to say to a 3 year old IMO.

tiggerlovestobounce · 08/09/2008 20:09

My mum also used the word slut when I was a teenager in response to my untidy room I was incredibly offended, and she has never used the word since.

Sorry tittybangbang but I dont know why you would attrbute sexual motives to your 3 year old, even in jest.

beeny · 08/09/2008 20:13

I agree with mamazon do not leave him with baby.This may sound over the top to some people but i am a criminal lawyer that language is very wrong

noonki · 08/09/2008 20:18

Also if he is really bigotted I would question leaving my children with him

My FIL is a real bigotted bastard, luckily he isn't that interested in us

but I always have to get my dss to realise that he is talking shite after a visit.

Mind you it is a good opportunity to discuss all manner of topics!

Tortington · 08/09/2008 20:22

although the use of the word itself in this context cannot be condoned, in itself wouldn't put me off.

if you have an icky feeling you can't shake - thats good enough for me. some things you just sense and they can't be explained.

so if the bloke was a great bloke but used this word once 5 years ago - i would instantly say its PFB syndrome and you are way oer the top - howver if its coupled with something else - something you can't quite put your finger on - then act on those concerns.

nbee84 · 08/09/2008 20:26

We used to call our dog a 'tart' when she rolled on her back with her legs in the air. I can't think that I ever would have said that about a baby. But made me think that he was only saying it in the same sort of sense that he did their dog. Was it only the once he used that term with her?

As to whether you should leave your baby with him - that is your decision. You have to go with your gut feeling. You are the baby's Mum and what you say goes.