To feel uneasy about F-I-L?

[123Louise123]

I feel awful writing this but here goes;

My baby girl is due at the end of the year and basically something is really bothering me about my FIL. I feel a bit worried when I think of leaving my future baby with him. I am not sure whether I am being daft or not.

About 5 years ago my niece was born, my in - laws looked after her a lot. As most babies do - she enjoyed kicking her legs up in the air with no nappy on. In a kind of joking way, my FIL said something like 'look at her - the slut'. (Although, he also used to say this about the dog when she rolled onto her back, wanting her belly rubbed.)

I just think this is an awful dirty word to describe a baby (even as a joke) and I can't seem to shake it off.

I would like my baby to be close to her grandparents, my MIL is such a lovely person but this comment 5 years ago has really put me off leaving my baby alone with him (for example if my MIL popped out to the shops).

My husband and I do not particularly like my FIL very much as he is very biggoted and annoying but we do tolerate him for short periods of time.

I don't know what to do. I'd feel awful telling my husband my concerns as I am talking about his father. I don't know how to bring it up. I know my husband had a normal childhood and didn't have any problems.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

I think words like "slut" "slag" "tart" have become more offensive in the last 15/20 years or so, definately means something different to my dad (65) to me (26).

You don't have to let your baby stay over with your IL's - or anyone else for that matter. Ds is 20 months and has never spent a night away from me yet - although i know that MIL would love to have him to stay. We all go down to spend the weekend quite regularly and i'll be happy for him to stay but when he's a bit older.

Your dc can easily form strong bonds with his grandparents without staying over - my ds absolutely adores both sets of grandparents and has never stayed a whole night alone!

my DD is three in Oct and never spent a night at anybodies home without us there. She's stopped at my parents (Xmas/before hols etc) but not without me (or DH when I was in hospital) there.
She just loves her grandparents to bits.

I once watched a tv programme where a paedophile referred to a 2 year old as a "little Tart", when a hidden camera was on him. I immediately thought about that when I read your post.

It would really bother me if my FIL had said something like that about a baby and combined with the feeling of unease that you say you have I would not ever leave my child with him. Sorry.

Thanks, it is highly unlikely that I will leave my baby with anyone but my Mother or Sister, both of whom I trust 100%.

I don't think my FIL is 'dodgy' to be honest, the only other thing apart from the slut comment that worries me is that he had a terrible childhood and grew up in a violent household, where his father beat his mother (which led indirectly to her death when my FIL was a toddler.) This was abroad, he was never punished and was allowed to keep his children and stepchildren. (I am no expert but I worry that this kind of abusive upbringing could manifest itself into another form of abuse in the future (as an adult).)

I guess to be fair to my FIL, this explains most of his behaviour and to give him credit he has not been violent to his own family, but he does try to belittle my husband and my MIL. He is a bully in a passsive way if you see what I mean.

I know that I am probably worrying over nothing, but you hear so many stories about how awful things were happening to children by trusted family members right under their parents noses, and nobody realises anything until it is too late. I don't ever want to feel regret for something that I could have prevented.

My husband and I often chat about how often his niece is at his parents house, and he has often said that he does not want our future child(ren) to be influenced by his father's attitudes. I doubt he would want to leave our baby there alone either, for that reason.

We do love his Mother very much, she is a lovely person and a very good grandmother to his niece. We can always invite her here for coffee and go out on daytrips etc so she can bond with our baby.

My husband's father probably wont be interested in our baby much anyway. He much prefers his other sons to my husband, so I guess he will feel the same way about our family unit.

Thanks for letting me unload.