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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not share my email password with my dh?

37 replies

Sunnydaymostly · 08/09/2008 09:28

The situation: DH wanted to print directions from an email I had been sent( me busy with DCs)logged him onto my email then he logged off and wanted to login again with me giving him my password. I refused and but offered to login again but all hell broke loose with what kind of partnership is this blablabla. How far does this sharing thing go? I have nothing to hide but need to feel( more so now I don't work)that something is mine and mine alone.

OP posts:

milou2 · 08/09/2008 09:33

I think it is hugely important to have my own individual privacy for passwords and pins etc.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

I certainly wouldn't share my password with someone who yells at me!!

TrinityRhino · 08/09/2008 09:35

I kind of get where your coming from I think

but dh knows all my passwords but doesn'y use them unless he really needs to and then asks first

dont see the issue

any idea why you have such a need for something to be yoiurs and yours alone?

potoroo · 08/09/2008 09:38

Can't help you there - DH and I have each other's passwords. But its not like I go through his email anyway unless there is something specific I need.

drinkmoretea · 08/09/2008 09:38

imo yabu

why should it be a problem if you have nothing to hide? my husband knows my passwords and i know his... it's only email...

do you have the same issues with post?

TrinityRhino · 08/09/2008 09:40

lol 'do you have the same issues with post?'

hmm do you??

Kewcumber · 08/09/2008 09:41

don;t think I would routinely share a passowerd as a matter of principle but refusing to give it when your DH had a legimate need to use your email refusing to give it to him does rather smack of not trusting him.

Give him the password if you have nothing to hide, if its an issue of ongoing privacy them either change it later or just ask him to respect your privacy and not log on - provided you trust him.

I wouldn;t have a problem sharing my PIN with a partner either.

Milkysallgone · 08/09/2008 09:41

I can understand why you don't want to share your password because I feel the same. However, if Dh asked me for it for some reason, I don't think I would withold it from him as that seems a bit wrong iyswim?

takingitasitcomes · 08/09/2008 09:42

I'm on the other side really. DH and I regularly share passwords (as we are forgetful types and often end up asking the other to look up numbers/addresses etc from our email accounts). It is such a personal decision and I can see why it wouldn't suit everyone.

However, I do feel sorry for your DH as it does seem odd to someone who doesn't feel such a natural desire for boundaries to accept their OH's need for them. Having said that, stick to your guns and don't share them - but perhaps explain to him in a calm moment how important it feels to have some private space now that you are not leaving the house to go to work anymore.

VinegarTits · 08/09/2008 09:44

yanbu imo, why would he need to have your password? unless he wanted to check what you are up to, and why would he want to do that? i never give anyone my passwords and if they dont like it tough shit. Whats his problem with you logging him in? is he willing to give you his password also?

sarah76 · 08/09/2008 09:47

My ex-husband and I had these issues. He would lock down the server (uber-geek, we had loads of computers in the house), and then something would inevitably go wrong with the connection to the printer, so I'd need the password----and even if at work, he try to log in remotely and fix it rather than just give me the frickin' password!

This extended to every aspect of our lives. Pin numbers to cards, I wasn't allowed to know them (he actually covered his hand even if I was only one around). He said 'if something ever happened, I wouldn't want to suspect you'. Well why would you suspect me anyway, jackass?

Forget about knowing passwords to email, there's no way I would have gotten in there. He would have insisted on printing things out himself or logging me in, no matter how inconvenient.

My current DP (soon to be DH) is nothing like this. I know his email password and pin numbers, and he knows mine. I normally don't go in his email unless he asks me to, and if I do it without asking I always mention it to him and he always says its fine.

I get what the OP is saying, sometimes you just want something that is yours. Having see it from both sides though, I infinitely prefer how things are with current DP. He makes me feel so trusted. The first time he gave me his pin number to his card, I was soooo touched that I actually started crying in the middle of IKEA. I hadn't even asked for it, and he just trusted me so much!

I guess what you have to do is think about how much securing your email is worth to you. Is it worth making your DH feel like you don't trust him?

trumpetgirl · 08/09/2008 09:49

I say give him your password, then change it next time you're on! Mwahahahahahahahaaaaa!

tiggerlovestobounce · 08/09/2008 10:06

I think that you have every right to a private email account, but in the situation you have described I think it would have been reasonable to just give him the password and change it later if you wanted.

minorbird · 08/09/2008 10:10

Me and Dh know each others passwords. Well, Dh forgets mine all the time and has to ask. But its mainly for online banking, ebay etc... It's up to the individual couple though, but in the instance you're posting about, I'd have given it to him, it wasnt like he was asking for it out of the blue for a snoop. You could have changed it afterwards!

OneLieIn · 08/09/2008 10:15

I don't share passwords and I don't think you are being unreasonable. I hate it when DH stands behind me when I am on my email. I have nothing to hide, but I just think you do need some privacy.

Maybe the fact he read my diary has made me a total nut about this

Servalan · 08/09/2008 10:15

YANBU

It's a very personal decision, and privacy is very important issue for some people, including me.

I wouldn't dream of asking my DH for his email password and certainly wouldn't give him mine.

I also would not open DH's mail and wouldn't expect him to open mine unless I asked him to for a very specific reason.

I have nothing to hide in my email account - anything there would be pretty boring for him I should imagine, but the fact is, it is my personal email account. My DH and I are a partnership but we are not one entity, which means some things are mine and some things are his - especially where thoughts and feelings are concerned.

The fact that you were prepared to log him in and leave him alone at the computer with access to your emails suggests to me that you have nothing to hide!

VictorianSqualor · 08/09/2008 10:29

What do you think he would do with your password though?
I know all of DP's passwords for various different things, in fact they are saved on the pooter.
Same with me, I have two passwords which I use and he knows them both.
He would never log into anything of mine without asking though, and nor would I use his.

I think the fact that you were unwilling to give him your password makes it look like you have something to hide, which in itself makes him more likely to want to now it.

Pandora's Box.

Original poster

Sunnydaymostly · 08/09/2008 11:13

Thank you all and I am so glad I did this- and your comments are really insightful and it appears that I could have handled this better . We don't open each others post, we have a joint account, share pins for cards etc. I have absolutely no idea what i thought he would do with the password but it was important to me to have that boundary yesterday and maybe a little less now. Think I suffer from martyr mum syndrome sometimes where I feel all of my days and nights are given over to the wellbeing of my family, so fiercly protect a small no go zone !

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 08/09/2008 11:46

Sunny perhaps it would be helpful to him if you say exactly that to your DH? That it wasn't coming from a "don't trust you" angle but a "I have so little that is only mine" angle.

kslatts · 08/09/2008 11:50

I wouldn't mind if DH knew my password, I don't have any emails I wouldn't want him to read so wouldn't have a problem.

NomDePlume · 08/09/2008 11:53

We solve this by having all of our email coming in through one Microsoft outlook server, no passowrds, no hidden stuff. End of.

TheFallenMadonna · 08/09/2008 11:55

Us too NdP.

MamaG · 08/09/2008 11:57

Same as NDP

mumto2andnomore · 08/09/2008 11:59

We have the same e mail address too, so no problems. I would give him my password if I had one though, nothing to hide. I open his post too, apart from birthday cards etc, most is only bills anyway.

stealthsquiggle · 08/09/2008 11:59

I would never share my password with my DH - which probably speaks volumes about our relationship, but there it is.

Under the circs, rather than have the confrontation, I suspect I would have told him and then changed it later....

UnquietDad · 08/09/2008 12:00

DW and I have different email boxes. In fact, we have different hosts. They both come down the same cable to the computer.

Just as our post comes through the same letterbox, but I'd never open a letter addressed to her without asking and vice-versa. It's old-fashioned respect and courtesy.

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