my old friend has gone off the rails since her separation.

[susia]

Hi, I have an old friend who I have known for years. She split up from her husband about 18 months ago and since then has become increasingly intolerable.

I don't know whether what she says is true or not. The things she says about her ex husband are awful and it seems like he is behaving really badly, refusing to see one of their children and being horrible to her. However, I also think she is refusing to let him see the children.

She only talks about herself and her misery and although I really feel for her about her marriage break up she is in a much better situation than many people e.g financially. She will get the sum of the house about £250k when it is sold. She does however have to try to get a job for the first time in 15 years.

I do feel sorry for her but I am also a single parent (of one not 3 children) but have never received a single penny from my ex. I also think she is wallowing to the extent it is becoming really selfish. She thinks her situation is worse than anyone else's and is totally disinterested in talking about anything apart from herself.

She also says things like she will only live in a certain area (where houses are about £300k) and how children shouldn't have after school care/childminders cos it is not fair on them when this is what I have always had to do (I have always balance part time work with very little money in order to spend as much time with my DS but not working was never an option for me). So she makes me feel guilty for working.

When I last saw her I told her my Dad was really ill and how he was seeing a consultant in another town in preparation for an operation. She said I should be going with him. But for me the issue is childcare, my Dad and I have agreed that it is not appropriate for my son to go and I don't have many options of someone to leave him with overnight. So, as one of his Godmothers, I said, 'could you have him overnight (he is 6)so that I could go with my Dad?' and she said she couldn't possibly as she is a single parent of 3!

I have offered to help her many, many times. I have offered to have her 3 stay with me for a night, weekend, week. I have enough space and experience with children but she doesn't take me up on it.

Now a couple of friends of mine have said to me they don't want to meet up again if she is there. Last time we went out for example she said how noone understands what it is like for her etc to a friend of mine who is a single parent of 4 and has no money at all.
My other friend said afterwards that she'd rather not see her again.

I don't know what to do, she is a good friend and I want to help but has become such hard work. I don't know if I am being intolerant, I am trying really hard not to be or what I should do.

I am trying to be supportive and that is why I posted on here by the way.

no Dittany, I used the word 'seems' in my post, I didn't say he was being horrible to her. Nor did I say he was refusing to see one of their children but 'seems' i.e. what she says.

I also think she is refusing to let him see the children which is unacceptable in most circumstances. I don't know why this has hit such a nerve for you but I feel that she is not putting her children first in all this as she is turning them against him.

Dittany - I think you are being quite argumentative here.
Whether the friend has an abusive ex or not is neither here nor there, what is susia meant to do about it?
This friend needs to sort out her life, and she is the only person in a position to actually do that.
I believe (from what I've read) that susia has tried to be supportive, and this hasn't helped her friend at all.
If her friend is depressed/suffering a breakdown she needs professional help - susia can not fix that for her.
If she is not depressed etc, then she does need to accept that she will have to try and get a job, a reasonably priced house and use childcare if necessary like the rest of us.
I can appreciate that it must to be hard for her going from having some sort of perfect family life to being a single mother of 3 kids with no support from her XH (either because he won't or because she won't let him.) She is probably going through some sort of grieving process for the life she has lost.
BUT there is only so much susia can do, and it is obviously affecting her life too.

Susia - Just stay supportive of her. Suggest she sees a doctor/health visitor or whatever for a chat.
If she doesn't want her XH to see the kids, it's probably because she still has feelings for him and is feeling very resentful towards him at the moment.
She needs to reach a civilised agreement with him, which perhaps you could help her with?
It may be that she is feeling quite lost without him and doesn't really know how to go about coping with everyday things on her own. She will learn.
If this is affecting your life that much then I'm not suggesting you just cut her out completely, but take a step back so you don't end up wanting to kill her.
I have had friends in my life who have taken too much from me, and I end up in tears, not wanting to see them and scared to pick up the phone. YOU DON'T WANT THAT!
Just use your instincts, I'm sure you won't go far wrong

thankyou Trumpetgirl. I have suggested reaching a civilised agreement with her but it is way beyond that... they are both taking each other to court regarding access, money etc and it is really nasty. She is trying to get a court order out to stop him coming near the house, they have both accused each of being abusive and mentally unstable. It is horrible.

I am not so involved to be honest.

The only thing I do wish is that for the sake of her children she would not show such open hatred towards him. She says her youngest says 'I hate Daddy' but hasn't seen him for 18 months. On the other hand from what she says, he is being terrible to their oldest (14) and refusing to see him so she won't let him see any of them.

I think she may have a point if he is being horrible to the oldest, because it's not fair that he's treating the children differently. Depends how you look at it really.
It may be that the oldest child is turning the other kids against their dad, or that they just think that he doesn't want them anymore as they haven't seen him for so long.
Unfortunately, there's not much that you can do.
Hopefully, she at least believes whatever she is doing is in her children's best interests, because that's the best that anyone can ever do.
But I am a great believer that everything comes good in the end...