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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my old friend has gone off the rails since her separation.

56 replies

susia · 07/09/2008 21:14

Hi, I have an old friend who I have known for years. She split up from her husband about 18 months ago and since then has become increasingly intolerable.

I don't know whether what she says is true or not. The things she says about her ex husband are awful and it seems like he is behaving really badly, refusing to see one of their children and being horrible to her. However, I also think she is refusing to let him see the children.

She only talks about herself and her misery and although I really feel for her about her marriage break up she is in a much better situation than many people e.g financially. She will get the sum of the house about £250k when it is sold. She does however have to try to get a job for the first time in 15 years.

I do feel sorry for her but I am also a single parent (of one not 3 children) but have never received a single penny from my ex. I also think she is wallowing to the extent it is becoming really selfish. She thinks her situation is worse than anyone else's and is totally disinterested in talking about anything apart from herself.

She also says things like she will only live in a certain area (where houses are about £300k) and how children shouldn't have after school care/childminders cos it is not fair on them when this is what I have always had to do (I have always balance part time work with very little money in order to spend as much time with my DS but not working was never an option for me). So she makes me feel guilty for working.

When I last saw her I told her my Dad was really ill and how he was seeing a consultant in another town in preparation for an operation. She said I should be going with him. But for me the issue is childcare, my Dad and I have agreed that it is not appropriate for my son to go and I don't have many options of someone to leave him with overnight. So, as one of his Godmothers, I said, 'could you have him overnight (he is 6)so that I could go with my Dad?' and she said she couldn't possibly as she is a single parent of 3!

I have offered to help her many, many times. I have offered to have her 3 stay with me for a night, weekend, week. I have enough space and experience with children but she doesn't take me up on it.

Now a couple of friends of mine have said to me they don't want to meet up again if she is there. Last time we went out for example she said how noone understands what it is like for her etc to a friend of mine who is a single parent of 4 and has no money at all.
My other friend said afterwards that she'd rather not see her again.

I don't know what to do, she is a good friend and I want to help but has become such hard work. I don't know if I am being intolerant, I am trying really hard not to be or what I should do.

OP posts:

twinsetandpearls · 07/09/2008 22:14

I think you seem to have an issue with the fact that she has money. Are only the poor allowed to struggle with divorce? I did have money problems when my marriage ended but that was not my primary concern, I literally grieved for the loss of life i hoped I would have for my dd and me. I am sure I really annoyed my friends, but the good ones stood by me.

twinsetandpearls · 07/09/2008 22:16

Perhaps you need to be honest with her and if you are good friends you should be able to do this. Say you are finding things hard at the moment and you do want to support her but you are not sure how to.

Original poster

susia · 07/09/2008 22:17

No I don't have an issue with the fact she has money! I am in the rare position of being a single parent with a well paid part time job and I don't have money concerns. I live comfortably but within my means.

My issue is that she only talks about her misery and whilst I feel sorry for her I feel that unless she looks at some of the positives she brings herself down further and becomes very selfish company.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 07/09/2008 22:17

Yes, you were, Twinset

She's clearly having problems and struggling. I agree with Twinset that she is either depressed and/or heading for a breakdown. She does not need to be told to "get a grip". She just needs to know you're there, I don't think you need do anything particular.

twinsetandpearls · 07/09/2008 22:21

But when you are depressed or facing meltdown you don't see positives. I can remember someone saying to me repeatedly when I was in my darkest days you need to get a grip and deal with the fact your marriage is over. I just couldn't, I felt sick when tried to see myself as a single parent. I only mentioned the money as you kept referring to her 250K and the fact she did not want to work.

dittany · 07/09/2008 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

susia · 07/09/2008 22:21

I have let her know that I am there. The problem is she says things like noone knows what it is like to be a single parent to 3 kids to my friend who is a single parent of 4. Or that she wouldn't contemplate childcare when she may have to or in front of people who have had to.

She doesn't seem to see that she is not the only person with problems.

But I have tried and will continue to try to be supportive but feel I need to back off a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

susia · 07/09/2008 22:24

I know I sound critical, that is why I am posting here rather than in RL. I don't bad mouth her to her or my friends. I have let her know that I am there for her and offered to help loads of times.

I just find it really hard work.

OP posts:

dittany · 07/09/2008 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

susia · 07/09/2008 22:28

but I am not resentful of her. I feel sorry for her and want to help her but I also feel that her company is really difficult and has got more so, that she is totally self absorbed.

OP posts:

dittany · 07/09/2008 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poissonfou · 07/09/2008 22:39

soup dragon-the op is not being mean and i'm sure that is not the general sentiment but life isn't always easy for any of us, where does a person cross the line between being a friend (which the op sounds as though she has) and simply being a social worker (one way street) it's simply not healthy for anyone, inc the friend;she needs to get a grip

cheeset · 07/09/2008 22:41

dittany, I think I know the bit your refering to as in susia sounding resentful about her friend not having her boy but her friend is in a bad place and susia is trying to help on the whole.

poissonfou · 07/09/2008 22:41

Original poster

susia · 07/09/2008 22:45

dittany - I think you've got a really strange take on this. I have no reason to feel resentful. Although I am a single parent, I earn a good living, own my own house and am happy.

I only asked her to look after my son because she was the one who was insistent that I should go with my Dad. I don't have other people to ask really so I said that I couldn't go because of childcare and she was saying 'but you must go'. I just found it really strange that she was so insistent that I should go but didn't understand why that wouldn't be easy for me or offer to help if she felt so strongly.

OP posts:

Original poster

susia · 07/09/2008 22:49

I would feel really bad if someone was saying to me something that I felt really strongly that they must do and explained why they couldn't. If I understood the reasons but couldn't help I'd say 'I'd love to help but can't because of ...how about...' and make suggestions. To be honest though if I felt strongly enough to be insistent about something like that I would say 'of course I'd have your son' because otherwise I would have kept my mouth shut about it and just said I understood. (if that makes sense!)

OP posts:

poissonfou · 07/09/2008 22:51

even if the friend is suffering a breakdown or is depressed both likely the op is not the one to help at this time and cannot be her crutch if she seeks professional help she will be in a better place as their friendship will be too

dittany · 07/09/2008 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheeset · 07/09/2008 23:14

dittany, you sound argumentative

Lets remember, susia has posted not the other way round.

wehaveallbeenthere · 07/09/2008 23:27

Susia, You have done all you can. You are a good friend to her but you really cannot do the things she must do for herself. It sounds like she is still angry at her ex. She isn't used to doing for herself without him and as much as you mean well...you are hindering her in helping herself.
She will never learn to walk on her own if someone is constantly trying to give her a crutch.
Busy yourself with your child but don't turn off your other friends. If you give them as much time as you have to this one you will find that eventually she will come around. She will have to.

arionater · 08/09/2008 11:05

It does sound as if she is struggling to cope, and perhaps heading for a breakdown. If she is very depressed it will be very hard for her to 'get a grip' and take positive steps because she will find it impossible to imagine that anything could get better. Has she seen her GP do you know? Could you suggest that she does?

VictorianSqualor · 08/09/2008 11:12

I agree with Dittany.

We all need different things when going through a shit time, and most of us can't see further than our own nose when in the thick of it.

She's right when she says no-one knows what it is like to be her, they don't but neither does she know how it feels to be anyone else.

I'd say a good talk is needed. You need to explain you feel put upon with her seeming so self-absorbed and not appreciating your situation. It's quite possible she'll say that she thought you were coping really well which is why she is moaning at you, you've 'been there' as such.

Also, the money isn't really an issue, to her in relation to the life she normally leads she is skint, that is just as hard as being skint in any other sense of the word.

jojostar · 08/09/2008 11:24

could you not get a pen and paper and sit and say to her I'm your friend always will be lets sit and see what the problems are and tackle them individually by writing them down and doing it one by one maybe she'll see that things can be sorted out with a little help then if she doesnt even try you can see that she becoming stuck in a rut and its prob becoming a habit the moaning I mean... I do feel for you cos after reading half of me wants to say stop your bloody moaning get your thumb out of your arse and make it better yourself and the other half want to be its ok we'll sort it..... She has to want to help herself or it wont work no matter how good a friend you are she has to take responsibility for her life its not yours....

dittany · 08/09/2008 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

susia · 08/09/2008 22:00

but Dittany what I have said about her ex is that I am not sure what to believe.

He does seem to not want to see their oldest child which is obviously dreadful but I don't know what she has said to them about him and she won't let him see the other two. Of course, the situation is awful but I also think she is contributing to her children's misery.

OP posts:

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