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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am pretty sure I'm not - other mum is being rude - but just thought I'd check

40 replies

Moomin · 05/09/2008 16:35

For dd1's 7th birthday next week I didn't want to have a big party and am skint so came up with idea of High school Musical film party to take place in my classroom at the school I work at, which is local to the primary school dd1 is at. I wanted to give the other kids time to go home after school, get changed etc and also for all my pupils to clear off and not being around when the littleys arrive.

Dd1 was allowed to invite 7 friends and luckily nearly all of them I know well and they have all rung me up to say they can come. Two of dd2's best friends live a little further away so I offered to pick them up when I pick dd1 up, take them back to mine to get changed and they can draw or something when we go back to my school to set up the party.

I haven't heard from one girl's mum at all, but dd1 came home the other day and said "X says her mums says she can only come to the party if you have her before and after the party." No times, no note, text or call from the mum - so I told dd1 to tell X that her mum should write me a note to make it official what she would like me to do. Bit reluctant at this stage anyway as a bit dubious about the girl herself (see this thread - she's one of the two girls in it!) and certainly have no intention to take responsibility for her child with no formal arrangement.

After school today dd1 comes out and repeats "X says she can't come to my party unless you have her before and after the party - her mum's working". Again no note from the mum. I had put my home and moby number on the invite.

The friend I was with said I should maybe write a note on Monday for dd1 to give X to say sorry but I can't have X anyway, as I already have 3 to take care of and set the party up. Right thing to do? Feel sorry that X will miss out on the party but still think her mum's being cheeky and rude. Or AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Moomin · 05/09/2008 16:36

sorry should have made clearer - school ends at 3.20, party starts at 4.20 until 6.30

OP posts:

JuneBugJen · 05/09/2008 16:37

YANBU very odd to use dcs as messengers for such an important piece of party info!

Overmydeadbody · 05/09/2008 16:38

Don't do anything unless you hear from the mum.

Kids make things up all the time, this girl could be telling your DD this but it mght not be coming from her mum.

kid · 05/09/2008 16:40

Just wait and see if the mum brings her or not. Unless she clears it with you first, you can't be expected to be responsible for her.

nailpolish · 05/09/2008 16:40

she should have called you properly

she is very cheeky and presumptious

Original poster

Moomin · 05/09/2008 16:42

That's why I doubled checked with dd1 and I asked her if it was an arrangement she and X had conjured up, but dd1 was very indignant and insisted X's mum had told X about the 'arrangement' (not that dd1 would know if X was making it up or not anyway)!

OP posts:

tiggerlovestobounce · 05/09/2008 16:42

I think that unless you hear anything from the mum you shouldnt do anything. Kids this age arent entirely reliable, they could be making it up. I dont think it would be reasonable for the other mum to expect this without having asked you personally.

NoblesseOblige · 05/09/2008 16:42

YANBU - ds has a friend who's mum refuses to reply to party invites full stop. she just sends him along. or not, as the case may be. v odd.

i would assume, quite reasonably IMHO, that no "proper" reply means a no-show at the party. sending messages via 6/7 year olds is far too unreliable IME.

just out of interest, what happened about the other thread?

SparklyDiscoGirl · 05/09/2008 16:43

If the story is all true, yes other mum is being very rude.

I would do nothing. I would not send a note in response to playground heresay which may be quite screwy in accuracy.

Just wait and see if she turns.

Sad for her if she doesn't just 'cos her mum couldn't be arsed to sort out the arrangements though.

nailpolish · 05/09/2008 16:43

its very wrong of her to put all that responsibility on a lo's shoulders

i would just carry on as you are. dont say yes or no, wait til she asks proprly

clam · 05/09/2008 16:44

IT may be that the child overheard her mum wondering aloud how she was going to fix this if she was working and it's got translated into childspeak. But I agree, the mum should contact you anyway, if only to decline the invitation.

Twiglett · 05/09/2008 16:46

she's being thoughtless but probably not rude

But playing devil's advocate

Many people work tbh, I don't see what difference one extra child would make if you've got 3 already .. an after-school party would be incredibly difficult for a working parent to accept if there was a gap between school and the party to be fair .. so really the structure at present is if you've got a sahp you can come to my party .. some people might find that difficult to swallow

I bet the mother has said to her dd that she can't go because of the times and it's been rephrased by daughters

ask yourself if you want your DD to have this girl there or not, if you do then just pick her up too and tell the mother that'll be ok

Original poster

Moomin · 05/09/2008 16:47

But I'm also a bit worried that X will have no one to pick her up after school on Weds when the party is, if the mum just assumes I'm having her. I'm certainly not going to have dd1 and X ferrying messages about so I think I'll need to write a note for dd1 to pass on. I don't have this woman's phone number or anything.

As for the other thread, I don;t know exactly what happened... I went into school and passed it on and they said it would go to the appropiate person who would record it and keep an eye on it - and ascertain I suppose whether it was a "one off" or of there are other concerns about either child already.

OP posts:

Mercy · 05/09/2008 16:47

Do you have the mum's phone number?

RubyRioja · 05/09/2008 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nailpolish · 05/09/2008 16:48

who would normally collect this child from school?

Carmenere · 05/09/2008 16:49

Just say you don't have enough booster seats in the car.

AccipeHoc · 05/09/2008 16:50

Just DO nothing. If she turns up she turns up.

You invited her, you left your name and number... You can't get down on your hands and knees and beg people to come.

I was shocked though when I invited a child to my dd's party. I had my mobile on the invite and I asked if they could text if they weren't able to come.

The girl's mother saw me every day, said nothing, didn't text, nothing. how hard can it be?!

Original poster

Moomin · 05/09/2008 16:51

It's rude not to reply to an invite though imo; and thoughtless to expect your 6yo dd to make arrangements for her own care.

Yes, it's a pain if you're at work and your dc can't attend a party, but life's tough and things don't always work out. Dd1 has had to miss a fair few parties because they're across town and I don't have time to get to them after school or I have meetings. It's no biggie really.

OP posts:

Mercy · 05/09/2008 16:51

I think you'll have to write that note.

Tbh, I make sure I have contact details for all of my dcs friends (I mean ones who come to the house to play or for parties)

nailpolish · 05/09/2008 16:52

i dont understnad though - if her mum works who normally picks her up? why cant that person take her to the party???????????????

Original poster

Moomin · 05/09/2008 16:55

Can't use the carseat excuse, unfortunately - the high school is 3 mins walk from the primary school and my house is inbetween!

Twiglet's made me feel mean now though!

OP posts:

lou33 · 05/09/2008 16:56

i would say she has been rude by not replying to you, but knowing what dd2 and her mates are like, it is possible her mum hasnt said anything of the kind, and they are just sorting it between themselves

this has happened to me on a few occasions wrt playing at one house or another, and it was only by talking to the mum we found out the girls had set it all up between them

now i say unless i hear from the parent i am doing nothing, especially if they want a favour

LittleBella · 05/09/2008 16:56

Hmmm. Just because schools choose to communicate with parents via kids, doesn't mean normal people do. It's very inefficient and therefore I don't think many people would go in for it.

I agree that this is probably not a real message. I would jsut wait to hear.

Weeteeny · 05/09/2008 16:58

Am I the only one who thinks this is really strange to be having a party in a school after hours? Have I got this right,I know you work there, however are the school allowing this? I am asking because the place I work has strict policies on after hours access, etc and I would imagine schools are the same. Sorry to change the subject.

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