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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am pretty sure I'm not - other mum is being rude - but just thought I'd check

40 replies

Moomin · 05/09/2008 16:35

For dd1's 7th birthday next week I didn't want to have a big party and am skint so came up with idea of High school Musical film party to take place in my classroom at the school I work at, which is local to the primary school dd1 is at. I wanted to give the other kids time to go home after school, get changed etc and also for all my pupils to clear off and not being around when the littleys arrive.

Dd1 was allowed to invite 7 friends and luckily nearly all of them I know well and they have all rung me up to say they can come. Two of dd2's best friends live a little further away so I offered to pick them up when I pick dd1 up, take them back to mine to get changed and they can draw or something when we go back to my school to set up the party.

I haven't heard from one girl's mum at all, but dd1 came home the other day and said "X says her mums says she can only come to the party if you have her before and after the party." No times, no note, text or call from the mum - so I told dd1 to tell X that her mum should write me a note to make it official what she would like me to do. Bit reluctant at this stage anyway as a bit dubious about the girl herself (see this thread - she's one of the two girls in it!) and certainly have no intention to take responsibility for her child with no formal arrangement.

After school today dd1 comes out and repeats "X says she can't come to my party unless you have her before and after the party - her mum's working". Again no note from the mum. I had put my home and moby number on the invite.

The friend I was with said I should maybe write a note on Monday for dd1 to give X to say sorry but I can't have X anyway, as I already have 3 to take care of and set the party up. Right thing to do? Feel sorry that X will miss out on the party but still think her mum's being cheeky and rude. Or AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Moomin · 05/09/2008 16:58

nailpolish - that's what I was wondering. The mum usually picks her up, but it's by car which makes me think they don't live locally - which would make hanging about for the party to start for an hour a PITA so maybe she wants to just go home - or maybe has work later on?

bloddy hell, why am I stressing? either way she could pick up her phone and let me know couldn;t she?!!

OP posts:

MsHighwater · 05/09/2008 17:01

She shouldn't use her dd and yours to communicate with you. But then you need to not use your dd and hers to communicate with her, either. If you can contact her directly, you should do so. If you have no other means of contacting her, then do nothing and act as though no arrangement has been made - but you might have to be prepared for her to send her dd along. At least you'll know your behaviour was appropriate.

Twiglett · 05/09/2008 17:01

I didn't mean to make you feel mean .. sorry

Original poster

Moomin · 05/09/2008 17:04

Weeteeny - why's it strange? If the Head's cleared it, which he has, and the other parents are ok with it, wots the issue?!

OP posts:

clam · 05/09/2008 17:06

How long before other requests for parties in the hall start pouring in.....

Original poster

Moomin · 05/09/2008 17:06

Twig - was only tongue in cheek. You were right to make me think of other side though.

and for that, I salute you.

OP posts:

nailpolish · 05/09/2008 17:07

heres what i owuld do

id give teh child a note for her mum something like "could you please give me a call regarding the party arrangements. my number is xxxxx" thanking you. Moomin"

and say to her dd "if your mum doesnt call then i cant collect you, sorry, i have to be sure you see"

i think possibly give her the benefit of the doubt but make sure she knows you are not happy she communicated through a small child

would you be happy with collecting her dd? i fnot ignore the above

bloomingfedup · 05/09/2008 17:08

Do nothing!

Original poster

Moomin · 05/09/2008 17:10

It's my own classroom, so I;m taking repsonsibility for the clearing up. I've got a big interactive whiteboard to play the film on and am making the room dark and putting in a disco light. The lyrics are on the screen when songs come on so they can sing and dance and eat popcorn. After the film I will do fries in the staffroom microwave (making sure all chidren have signed disclaimer in case I burn the roof of their mouths off), eat cake then walk them all out to carpark where they are being picked up.

There are some advantages to being a teacher

OP posts:

believeintheboogie · 05/09/2008 17:18

I really would try and check with the other mum and my dd often invites herself to peoples houses and makes it out that the other parent has asked her. Luckily I always check but one of my friends dc got a knock on the door one evening to find a mum and her child that my friends dd had invited for tea without her knowing

Original poster

Moomin · 07/09/2008 09:34

Won't have chance to see if the mum picks X up Mon or Tues and have a word with her as my CM will be picking dd1 up whilst I'm at work. I'm not sending a note - decided to pretend I've heard nothing from dd1 and won't be chasing X to get an answer.

Dd1 did ask what I was going to do though, so I've told her to explain to X that I can't make any arrangements without speaking to her mum (again ). If X turns up at the start of the party, then fine- if not, fine as well.

OP posts:

onthepier · 07/09/2008 11:47

I agree with you Moomin, I don't tend to see arrangements as being definite unless confirmed by another adult.

I work in my children's school part time as a classroom helper. Recently my dd's friend came to find me, asking if she could come for tea that Friday, (on instruction from her mum!) I said no reason why not, but I'd speak to her mum about it.

Phoned her that night, told her what her dd had asked and said that was fine, if it was with her. She said, "Oh, thanks ever so much,I was wondering if you could have her until 8.30 pm, as I'm going out for a meal with colleauges straight from work"!

I did as she asked, but would much rather the request had come from her originally, rather than use her dd as a messenger, she does have my home + mobile numbers, after all!

Original poster

Moomin · 07/09/2008 18:54

Blimey - cheek!

It's enough responsibility running a party, let alone be an unpaid childminder for umpteen hours before and/or after. Well, we;ve had the whole weekend now for X's mum to have been in touch, so I think I was right in assuming she was being mardy rather than the dds making arrangements up themselves . But we'll see what happens when dd1 comes out of school tomorrow!

OP posts:

kid · 02/01/2009 16:37

Just did a search on HSM and came across this thread again.
What happened in the end Moomin?

MillyR · 02/01/2009 16:58

YANBU about the girl. I think if her mum is having problems she shouldn't pass the message through the child, which she may not have done and it is a mixup.

4.20 on a school day is an odd time for a party though.

I am confused about the party location. Bit late for this now as you have arranged the time, but surely it is reasonable for the school to find you a room that is unoccupied earlier, so that you could set the room up earlier, say in your lunch break. It seems unreasonable to rent people rooms and not allow them a bit of access in advance.

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