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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In being furious that my ex let a 19 yr old man play hide n seek with my little girls in a forest?

26 replies

2babesmum · 31/08/2008 21:28

The girls (5 and 7) have just got back from a weekend away with their dad and they've told me he went into the forest and one of my ex's friends met the three of them there.

They went off with this friend into the woods to play hide and seek, and their dad came to find them. I've already told my ex that he's not to have anything to do with his friends when he has the children because the majority are ex convict drug addits (no exaduration). Which he agreed to.

Now he says they just 'bumped into' this man (in the middle of a forest!) and the kids were bored so they all played hide and seek.

I've now told him that because I can't be sure that the children are safe when they're with him, he can't see them anymore at weekends which I hated but felt I had to do to protect the children.

Am I being unreasonable? This isn't the first time he's blatantly ignored my wishes. I know I'm not god but surely this can't be right?!

OP posts:
abbieslife · 31/08/2008 21:37

I clicked on this expecting to say you were being overprotective, and to get a grip, but actually something about this makes me uneasy. Perhaps the fact that you say his friends are dodgy. It does seem weird to be honest. I wouldn't allow it again.

hecate · 31/08/2008 21:37

um. dunno. Why do you think this 19 yr old man is a danger to your children? What do you fear he will do? If he is a dangerous person, then YANBU.

At the end of the day, the kids are 50% you and 50% their father, he is just as much a parent as you are, and just as entitled to care for his kids as he sees fit.

So if you think he is not keeping them safe, then you need to take that to court, prove it, and get them to make an order for supervised access or something.

OrmIrian · 31/08/2008 21:38

Unless 'hide and seek' is a euphemism, I think you might be being unreasonable. Were they hurt or unhappy?

cheesesarnie · 31/08/2008 21:39

do you not think your ex is a good judge of character?

Original poster
2babesmum · 31/08/2008 21:44

I've stopped them going to his flat (they now go to the mil's to stay) because the ex had a drug gang out for him, of which this 19 yr old was involved in. My ex also took an overdose about 3 months ago.

So I'm probably overly sensitive to what he does and where he goes with the children.

I don't trust anyone with the kids coz of what you hear all the time, peodophile friend of the family type things. I especially hear about it because I'm doing a social work degree and my mum's a children and families social worker.

OP posts:
Original poster
2babesmum · 31/08/2008 21:46

Cheesesarnie - definately not, the last 'wonderful friend' he had turned out to be tagged and a cocaine addict!

OP posts:
pudding25 · 31/08/2008 21:49

YANBU. I would only want the kids to see him supervised if he is involved with drugs and gangs.

Original poster
2babesmum · 31/08/2008 21:52

Hmm, I'm trying to keep it cilvilised and out of court. But it seems if I give him a inch he takes a mile, just want this to be 'normal' and easy (are they ever!)

OP posts:
intolerant · 31/08/2008 21:59

I think you're perfectly right to be concerned. He has drug gangs after him? Well, good thinking to have them stay at MIL's, but those gangs could also find him out in the forest, playing hide-and-seek. Stay vigilant - it's your duty as a mother.

cheesesarnie · 31/08/2008 21:59

after the extra info id say no yanbu!

cheesesarnie · 31/08/2008 22:00

but thats nothing to do with hide and seek.just his crap judgement of people that are ok to be with his dc.

Janni · 31/08/2008 22:06

Trust your instincts - I strongly suspect they are right given the history you describe.

Original poster
2babesmum · 31/08/2008 22:10

That's exactly it, his judgement of people is all over the place. I don't know this 19 yr old and I seem to have this blanket opinion of all his 'mates'. Hence I don't want any of them around my children

OP posts:
wilkos · 31/08/2008 22:12

YANBU. i second Janni, trust your instincts

drug gangs WTF? he is lucky to have any contact with your dd's and that you are so reasonable about it

Original poster
2babesmum · 31/08/2008 22:19

It's really hard to strike a balance. I want them to see their dad but he's such a w**r!

OP posts:
mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 31/08/2008 22:21

yanbu

Quattrocento · 31/08/2008 22:23

I too clicked onto the thread title expecting to say YABU but the mention of ex-convict drug addicts made me do a quick about turn.

WickedBitchoftheEast · 01/09/2008 00:40

I think the point is do you trust your ex to look after them and protect them from harm ?

If yes then YABU

If like a lot of men he is a bit stupid, make it clear to him that the children must be in his sight at all times when they are out and about, or the contact will have to stop.

Gotta give him a chance at least.

thumbwitch · 01/09/2008 00:44

YANBU about his friends etc. but surely there is the middle ground of supervised access? It seems harsh to deny him and the DC sight of each other (which is what your op implies). Do you get on sufficiently that he could see them at yours, or with you there?

silvercrown · 02/09/2008 15:04

Abit odd that he would want to play hide and seek with young children. I would be wary too. Considering the types of friends you say your ex has then you can't be too careful. Ignore the "stop being overprotective" brigade. Some people think it's overprotective to be wary of anyone unless they're actually locked away for a crime - even then I had a friend who married a sex offender when she had daughters - she felt he had served his time and it was all in his past..... I don't need to tell you that happy marriage didn't last long

SixSpotBurnet · 02/09/2008 15:09

Wot Quattro said.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 02/09/2008 15:12

Why is it odd that he'd want to play hide and seek with his friends children?

Odd would be wanting to smoke crack with them.

CashmereKate · 02/09/2008 15:16

Is your issue the fact that he's a man or the fact that he's an ex-convict? Are you concerned that he's a paedophile or that he'll get them involved in drugs?

(I assume you are concerned that he's a paedophile because of your reference to playing hide and seek in the woods.)

Slickbird · 02/09/2008 15:22

No, YANBU for so many reasons! Dodgy mates, dodgy past, AND they could get lost in the bloody forest anyway!! No, stick to your guns. Can they have supervised visits instead? You have my sympathies. It can't be easy.

VictorianSqualor · 02/09/2008 15:27

I don't think it is your ex's friend or the hide n seek that is the problem her but that he is having full care of the children unprotected with a drug problem.