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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can we have a little chat about judging please

58 replies

Kimi · 29/08/2008 22:42

Ok I have been a mumsnetter for over 5 years and I tell it like it is, I have not made many friends as I am blunt, outspoken and to the point.

I have looked at many things from a different point of view since being here and I have learnt a lot and I am thankful to all the lovely people who have shared my point of view and to all the lovely people who have made me stop and think about things from a point of view I never thought of before.

The reason I love mumsnet is because not everyone is the same and it really has made me a better person and a better parent.

But I do get fed up with the whole "your judging" thing.

OK till I have walked a mile in someone else's shoes it may be hard to understand their point but sometimes just sometimes it is ok to make an observation and it is fact not judging.

If you see someone beating a child you don't need to know why to know it is wrong, and to say it is wrong is not judging it it stating fact.
Yes we all look at thinks from our own point of view, but to say something is wrong, is ok and a lot of the time open to debate, not just called judging.

Thats it really

OP posts:
hatrick · 29/08/2008 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Kimi · 29/08/2008 22:45

Oh my grammar is shite.... dyslexic I am afraid

OP posts:
hecate · 29/08/2008 22:49

There are very many blunt, outspoken and to the point MNers who are much beloved, (hell, this is the HOME of the blunt, outspoken and to the point!) so if you feel you haven't made friends, there might be another reason.

As to judging. oh well. Who cares? I do it as required and I don't much care what anyone else does or doesn't judge. You've got the right to put your pov, so have they. Their pov is that you (the general 'you' not you specifically, iyswim ) are judging. Your pov is that something is twatish and in need of judgery. Folks need to learn to agree to disagree on here, imo!

Bubble99 · 29/08/2008 22:50

Some things are just wrong.

If I saw a parent (note that I didn't just say 'mothers') beating or verbally abusing a child - I wouldn't care if they had PND/alcohol issues etc. It is just wrong.

Where it can be difficult though, as far as parenting goes - is from experience.

If I, with just DS1, had seen what DS4 eats/plays with/does etc - I would have been Mrs Judgey Pants.

That's not to say that I have any superior knowledge or experience. Just that my perspective is different.

Elasticwoman · 29/08/2008 22:51

It is not a fact that beating children is wrong, it is a judgment. But there's nothing wrong with making that judgment and most people, including the Law, would agree with it.

"Judging" has become a derogatory term on MN, probably confused with prejudice, because that is judging a person before knowing all the facts.

I think it is ok to judge an action rather than a person. EG I believe murder is wrong, but I think Ruth Ellis should have been reprieved.

Elasticwoman · 29/08/2008 22:52

Actually I should have said

I think murder is wrong, but I am not competent to judge Ruth Ellis because I don't know all the facts of her case.

We can rarely if ever know all the facts about any case.

Original poster
Kimi · 29/08/2008 22:54

hecate I have had some wonderful advice and some outstanding support here so I guess I have made friends.

Some posters that are a little on the outspoken side have been a massive help to me and I have he up most respect for.

I think sometimes people are just a bit shocked by the bluntness of me

OP posts:
edam · 29/08/2008 22:55

I think what often gets people riled is self-righteousness. The sort of judging where a SAHM starts a thread saying 'ooh, my neighbours kids are awful, I'm sure it's because she works full time and if ONLY she was prepared to make a few sacrifices she could be a smug git like me'. Or a WOHM says something equally judgemental about SAHMs.

Entirely different from judging that, for instance, in your opinion more than an hour of TV a day is too much for your kids.

Bubble99 · 29/08/2008 22:57

Elasticwoman. Is beating children not wrong, then?

Original poster
Kimi · 29/08/2008 23:01

I think we all judge, but I also think that is not a bad thing.
If everyone said everything was ok then we would implode.
Some things are wrong and to say so is not.

If someone said "my neighbour beats their kids for no reason" I would not see that as judging if they said "my single parent black neighbour beats their kids cause they are single and black" I would have a problem with the description but the fact they were beating the kids would still be the same.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 29/08/2008 23:01

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Kimi · 29/08/2008 23:02

Be kind icod I am still trying to sort the frigging visa

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flyinglizzards · 29/08/2008 23:03

kimi - wow 5 years, does the MN addiction last that long? Longer?

Great that you have found it so resourceful TBH.

Original poster
Kimi · 29/08/2008 23:08

I am sad
My first post was to ask for advice about DS1 having a fit and the hospital wanting to give him drugs, I was blown away with the time people took to give me advice and to make it all clear to me what was what. Talking to parents who had been where I was was such a help.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 29/08/2008 23:08

Bubble - of course it is, in my judgment and yours. No matter how many people agree with us, a moral judgment is still just that. A fact is something that has happened.

Just to confuse you further, it may well be a fact that you, Bubble, consider beating children to be wrong.

Bubble99 · 29/08/2008 23:09

Beating children is wrong, surely?

Please tell me that nobody thinks it's OK - whether the law agrees or disagrees.

Elasticwoman · 29/08/2008 23:10

Some people who beat children (or get them to beat themselves - did you hear about that case in the news this week?) clearly do think it is OK. But they seem to be in the minority in this country.

edam · 29/08/2008 23:12

I think that beating children is wrong but elastic is right, it's a judgement rather than an absolute fact. The Victorians would disagree, many people in countries with different cultures would disagree, presumably there are people in this country who would disagree.

handlemecarefully · 29/08/2008 23:12

I think the problem is Kimi that as parents we are so often 'judged' by society ..and for such innocuous things half the time(UK society is particularly unforgiving, with an entrenched child intolerant culture), that some of us baulk a bit when we perceive judging on MN... because we've had a skinful of it

snowleopard · 29/08/2008 23:14

Kimi, I think you're right. I'm always doing a bit of judging and then getting all defensive about it!

But I think we all judge a great deal, and what bugs me is the way people seem to deny that when they berate another poster for "judging".

But anyway - some of the most popular and well-known posters on MN are pretty damn judgy-pants IMO. You get away with it more if you're completely brazen about it I've noticed. Especially if it's funny.

handlemecarefully · 29/08/2008 23:14

But yes obviously beating a child is always wrong (not the best example to illustrate your point perhaps since it is such a no brainer?)

Original poster
Kimi · 29/08/2008 23:16

Thing is I have seen people slated for giving their child a fruit shoot or haribo or a greggs sausage roll, parenting is personal and some of us are going to fuck up..you show me the person here who says they are the perfect parent and I will show you a deluded person.

But when someone is called judging for saying beating/leaving/degrading a child is wrong then something is wrong, very very wrong, and not with the poster who raises the point but with a world that ays it is judging to do so.

I bottled fed my children and I am a stay at home mum, if you want to judge me on those facts get a life, if you ever saw my hitting/dragging.swearing at my children the judge away.
It seems to me that the small stuff is ok, parked in the wrong space....evil
Beat a child ..well must be a reason and so on
We have a wonderful thing here and we are strong, but we need to admit that some things are wrong, and some brave people stand up and say so

OP posts:
Bubble99 · 29/08/2008 23:17

Posts X, Elasticwoman.

In the case of beating - does the fact that it is legally and morally wrong make it 'not judging' to condemn beating children?

There are many things that the law of the land prevents that I think are OK.

For example - I find it ridiculous that the law prevents the free use of a drug {marijuana) that, in the worst cases - even with strong bred 'skunk'- renders the user unable to drive fast and liable to fall into a smiley, giggling heap - whilst allowing, taxing and encouraging a drug (alcohol) which causes (a lot of) users to be violent and prone to RTAs.

Both drugs can have have awful effects on people with pre-existing mental health issues - I just don't get why one is criminalised and the other encouraged.

Bubble99 · 29/08/2008 23:23

But, edam - we are not living with Victorians (except, perhaps - my mother) and people from other cultures/countries have to abide by the law of this land - so, therefore, it is surely fair to say that beating children is wrong. No exceptions?

Where does it end, otherwise?

Paedophiles will tell you that is morally OK to have a sexual relationship with a child. Do we have to agree?

Original poster
Kimi · 29/08/2008 23:24

On paper you can all judge me..
I am the illegitimate child of an alcoholic father and a mentally unstable mother, I missed a lot of school,i am dyslexic I grew up on a council estate and when my Dad died my mother was a one parent family on state help. I have a criminal record for hitting a woman who attacked my 4 year old son,my marriage broke down and I now have a DP eight years younger then me.
BUT I have a good home, two happy healthy children, a loving family and I support myself and my children, I do not get drunk, I do not beat my children, If I did I would expect to be judged for it

OP posts: