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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to be upset with my friend & worried about her son?

38 replies

flamingnora · 29/08/2008 21:01

Her son is 10 - she split with his dad when he was just 18 months old & has had numerous relationships subsequently. In the past 5 years she's had 4 "serious" relationships - one of which was an engagement that only ended a year ago. Her most recent relationship is with a guy who lives in France so she takes her son over there every month & this guy & his daughter join her & her son every holiday they have. She's just come back from a month in France & calmly told me that her DS was "acting up" & "giving her back chat" all the time so she told him he was no longer welcome there & put him on a flight home to his dad in London. I feel sick for her son as I think that he must feel vulnerable that he'll a)lose his mum &/or b)be uprooted from home & moved to France. We went out last night & she asked me what I thought so I told her (in what I truly think was a measured & non-judgemental way) that I'm worried about her boy & tried to point out that he's maybe not just being a pain in the arse but is feeling upset & trying to get her attention. She bust into tears, refused to discuss it further & I've texted her today to ask how she is & she'd not responded. Where do we go from here?! What should I do?!

OP posts:
Notalone · 29/08/2008 21:09

God what a mess Flamingnora. I think you have absolutely done the right thing and her reaction shows this is probably something she knew already / is living to regret. Give her space and she will probably come round.

How close are you? Have you been friends for long?

shoot · 29/08/2008 21:09

I think maybe she knows what she did was wrong and she may have acted a little selfishly. She's not upset with you, she's upset with the situation, and if she felt the need to ask for your opinion then she was probably looking for reassurance to ease her conscience, and is upset that the niggly feeling she's handled it badly is right.

She'll come round.

Original poster
flamingnora · 29/08/2008 21:11

we've been mates for 20 years. She went through her parent's messy divorce when she was 14 (before I even met her) and has been affected by this. I just don't know what to do for her son?

OP posts:
shoot · 29/08/2008 21:11

sorry cross posted with notalone.

Kimi · 29/08/2008 21:12

I do not think you are being unreasonable in the least, you do not pack your child off like an unwanted christmas gift.
Your friend need to realise that she is a mother first and foremost and until her child is 18 SHE is responsible for his well being.

I am seperated from DH1 and I have a new DP, but I would never put him (or anyone) before the well being of my children, I would never take my children away from their dad, and I just spent two weeks with DPs parents where DS2 was evil itself but I would not drem of shipping him back to dad.

poor little boy, tyo be subected to a stream of uncles then to be shipped off like last weeks rubbish, your friend needs to grow up and stop acting like a teenager on heat.

shoot · 29/08/2008 21:13

Perhaps you could call her and ask if her and her son would like to do something.

Do you have children of the same age?

Depending how old her DS is, maybe the zoo or an adventure park or something? That way he'll get to spend some fun time with his mum and you'll get to patch your friendship up.

Notalone · 29/08/2008 21:16

I think you are probably doing the best by being there for his mother and also by being honest with her. Lots of people may well have nodded and agreed with her to her face and then been shocked / talked about it behind her back. You have expressed your concerns and therefore got it all out in the open. She knows that what she has done is not right and is probably trying to sort it as we post.

If you live close perhaps you could try and pop round in a couple of days. I think she may well be avoiding you because she is embarrased of her behaviour. Show you are there for her and not judgey and you will probably both come out of it with a much stronger friendship

3littlefrogs · 29/08/2008 21:16

She put her 10 year old on a flight back to London. OMG that is awful. Poor little boy. She really hasn't a clue has she? That is heart breaking. Is his dad prepared and able to look after him?

SqueakyPop · 29/08/2008 21:17

It must be awful for her boy to see her jump from one bed to another.

nappyaddict · 29/08/2008 21:20

How old is her son?

Original poster
flamingnora · 29/08/2008 21:20

Hi Shoot - my DS is just 6MO so I can't very easily do that. Kimi - you have just put into words exactly what I feel, thanks! I would love her to meet "the one" and settle down and be happy but given her trck record I have no faith in her taste in men & think she treats her son dreadfully. I can't stop thinking about him & feel sick about it.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 29/08/2008 21:20

You've confirmed to her what she already knew herself but maybe didn't want to hear. I would call her rather than text her.

Original poster
flamingnora · 29/08/2008 21:23

nappyaddict - her son is 10
I told DP about her putting him on a flight home & he said "is that even LEGAL?!". I live over the other side of London not sure if I can just pop over as I'm not sure she'll even be in. I wish she'd just respond to my "how are you?" text.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 29/08/2008 21:24

in normal circumstances i would be find with a 10 year old going on a plane alone, but not when he is going to be feeling rejected and pushed out.

silvercrown · 29/08/2008 21:24

She's being selfish. Whilst it may be important to her to have someone to be in her life other than her child, her child should always come first and clearly doesn't. No wonder he's giving her back chat - he's had various "uncles" flitting in and out of his life. She needs to sort herself out and well done for saying how you really think about the situation.

Original poster
flamingnora · 29/08/2008 21:26

Thanks so much for the warm, wise words. I'm glad it's not just me - it'd been great to hear the views of some smart women - thanks.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 29/08/2008 21:26

Exactly nappyaddict. I can only begin to imagine what that journey must have been like for him.

fizzbuzz · 29/08/2008 21:31

He won't be so easy to push around like lost luggage when he is a teenager, which isn't that far off.

She is in for a huge shock then

Kimi · 29/08/2008 21:34

Flamingnora, I tell it like I see it, don't make me many friends but there you go

I feel that no one has to become a mother, and if you choose to be a mother and are blessed enough to have a child then for the next 18 years your life revolves around that child, he/she is not something to be taken out of the cupboard when convenient.

No one in their right mind would say motherhood is easy, but once you have a child you do what you have to do for that child, I would kill or die for mine without question.

Packing a 10 year old off on a plane is selfish and wrong on so many levels I don't know where to start.

DS2 was a little sod at DPs parents to the point DP said boarding school, given the choice over DP or children Children win hands down every time, DP knows this.

Original poster
flamingnora · 29/08/2008 21:53

Yep, Kimi, nail-on-head and all that! The thing is that I honestly think she doesn't get it & thinks that she's behaving in a responsible way - it's that which I find most worrying.

OP posts:
Kimi · 29/08/2008 21:58

What does the childs father say?

Original poster
flamingnora · 29/08/2008 22:04

I don't know and I'm not going to get the full story from my friend. She does nothing but bad-mouth the kid's dad & berate him for poor parenting (pot-kettle & black!) but at least his dad is consistent with him & has had the same partner for years etc etc. I think that's so important for kids.

OP posts:
spicemonster · 29/08/2008 22:04

Because someone doesn't have relationships that don't work out that doesn't mean that her son 'sees her jump from one bed to another' or that he's 'subjected to a stream of uncles'.

That doesn't mean that I think the way she's behaved wrt her son is acceptable, I don't. I'd just like a little less of the judgey, judgey re people who don't have the happy ever after.

spicemonster · 29/08/2008 22:06

Sorry x-posted. Did I misunderstand and was that the subtext of your OP flamingnora and I'm the only person too dense to see it?

Kimi · 29/08/2008 22:13

OK FN as I see it it takes two people to make a child (and I do wish people would see having a child for what it is and not a right or a folly) it takes two people to raise a child, in fact I truly believe it takes a village to raise a child, I am blessed with two sons and a village to raise them, I never lose sight of the fact I chose to have them and I was blessed to get them.

I think your friend needs to take a good look at what being a mother means to her, ok the boys dad bailed and that was wrong, yes she is entitled to be happy but NOT EVER at the expense of that little boy.

In a million years I will see no justification in putting a hild on a plane alone cause you could not be bothered to parent said child.

She does not deserve a friend like you, sadly her child needs more people like you in his life, poor little boy....kids play up,,,parents/adults deal with it, not by shipping them off to the next person