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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to be upset with my friend & worried about her son?

38 replies

flamingnora · 29/08/2008 21:01

Her son is 10 - she split with his dad when he was just 18 months old & has had numerous relationships subsequently. In the past 5 years she's had 4 "serious" relationships - one of which was an engagement that only ended a year ago. Her most recent relationship is with a guy who lives in France so she takes her son over there every month & this guy & his daughter join her & her son every holiday they have. She's just come back from a month in France & calmly told me that her DS was "acting up" & "giving her back chat" all the time so she told him he was no longer welcome there & put him on a flight home to his dad in London. I feel sick for her son as I think that he must feel vulnerable that he'll a)lose his mum &/or b)be uprooted from home & moved to France. We went out last night & she asked me what I thought so I told her (in what I truly think was a measured & non-judgemental way) that I'm worried about her boy & tried to point out that he's maybe not just being a pain in the arse but is feeling upset & trying to get her attention. She bust into tears, refused to discuss it further & I've texted her today to ask how she is & she'd not responded. Where do we go from here?! What should I do?!

OP posts:

Original poster

flamingnora · 29/08/2008 22:15

Spicemonster - absolutely not. Not judging at all but this is not about how many sexual partners you have or failing to settle down with a life partner early on in life AT ALL. It's about the fact that your child has to be the top priority in your life, surely? I'm sure it's perfectly possible to have multiple relationships which do not impair your parenting but your kids have to come first.
These aren't just affairs she has - she has been serious with all these men (i.e. her son has to deal with these men as replacement father figures, just about gets his head around that and then they're out of the picture again & there's someone else on the scene who she'd suddenly going to settle down with again)

OP posts:

Kimi · 29/08/2008 22:17

I do not think nora is judging, she is seeing a situation that is wrong and trying to work out how to make it better.

Sadly by not worrying about others for fear of being called judging means children suffer

Kimi · 29/08/2008 22:22

I am 37, I met my husband at 14 married at 21 and had two children at 26 and 30, shit happened and we split up it almost killed me, no one else involved by the way. I now have a new DP 8 years younger then me, but DH1 and I are the parents of our two children, DP is a step parent and we all work together.

When I stood in front of god, our family's and friends and made my vowels to DH1 I meant them and it was a shock to me more then anyone that it did not work out.

But when all is said and done DH1 and I have 2 wonderful children and they come first....judge me, go on I dare you

spicemonster · 29/08/2008 22:24

What I meant was that everyone read that into the OP and it sounded a wee bit sanctimonious when nora hadn't explicitly said she was introducing her kid to these different men. Now I see from nora's last post that her friend has done exactly that and obviously I don't think that's great parenting.

TBH though kimi I don't see how your judging nora's friend for her behaviour is going to prevent her son from suffering.

nora - I'm not sure what else you can do. What a horrible situation for you to be in

Kimi · 29/08/2008 22:29

Because sometimes someone has to say NO this is not right.

To pack your child off on a plane because you cant parent is not on....I get back chat, pocket money is stopped, PC time removed, I have yet to stick my child on a plane and wash my hands of them...no one said being a parent as easy

3andnomore · 29/08/2008 22:30

I think it was good you said and therefore alerted her to this and now it is up to her and you.....firstly let her calm down and if she doesn't phone, try again, and say sorry if it sounded harsh, but I felt it was unfailr to your chld, etc...

beanieb · 29/08/2008 22:31

flamingnora - you sound like a great friend. Everyone needs someone who can tell them what they don't want to hear. She's bound to be upset but IMO even if she thinks she's doing the best for her son it's good for her to see it from another perspective.

It sounds like her new man means a lot to her and I expect she will have to make some tough decisions if they make their relationship more formal.

Does her son have a good relationship with his dad, perhaps sending him home wasn't too much of an upheaval? He may have enjoyed his time with his dad.
I hope you make it up with your friend. Can you call her and if no response email her explaining that you felt you had to give an honest opinion but you are here to talk to if she needs to explain or talk more?

beanieb · 29/08/2008 22:33

Oh and unless you really know her son was very upset, try not to worry about that.

beanieb · 29/08/2008 22:35

"she has been serious with all these men " ok, flame me, but surely that is 100 times better than having a series of men she was not serious with in shorter relationships?

Elasticwoman · 29/08/2008 22:46

Flamingnora - I think you were brave to say what you said and should now leave it there and be careful not to add any more criticism on this matter. You could make it clear you are there for your friend and ready to help her in any practical way you can.

Sounds like she has taken your opinion on board but it may take her some time to figure out what to do about it. She has to make her own choices.

I know it's hard to stand by and watch what's happening to this little boy but I don't think there's anything more you can do than what I've suggested.

KerryMum · 29/08/2008 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

giraffescantdancethetango · 30/08/2008 15:04

yanbu at all

silvercrown · 02/09/2008 15:24

Whilst it's nice that she has been serious about her previous relationships, what has been her reasons for splitting with each of them?? I don't want to sound like I'm judging her here and I'm sure some people will thik I am but we don't know this boy or how he reacts to another new partner in his mum's life. He has to devlope his own relationship with these men which cannot be easy in itself and then as Nora says - when he is used to them (and maybe even close to them) they suddenly disappear from his life which can be as difficult for him as his father leaving - all this will have an adverse affect on his behaviour as a whole and she should see this and give him more time and affection and try NOT to rush into another relationship. In a few years her son will be a teenager and he probably won't mind so much - but he does still need to come first in her life - he's not going to be young forever so her life isn't over - she'll have plenty of time to continue looking for Mr Right. Of course it's not easy speaking to a friend in this way because they will feel judged but eventually something has to be said when that mother is going to such extreme lengths like putting him on a plane alone.

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