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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend's choice of baby name

49 replies

Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 09:47

All opinions gratefully received. I promise not to flounce. Much.

OK, so my best friend is expecting her second baby in December, and doesn't know the sex. However, the boys' name she has come up with is, possibly, going to bother me a bit.

The history:
When I was 23, I was engaged to a wonderful boy who I had gone to Uni with. We had our own house, good jobs, and it looked like everything was going to be rosy in our garden. We were due to get married in September 2001. And in the June of that year, when everything, and I mean EVERYTHING was arranged, he called it off and dumped me. I moved back to my parents' house, and I was completely heartbroken. He continued to torture me for about a year, with 'Oh I'm not sure if I did the right thing, blah blah'.

Now I am fully aware that I have now been married for 4 years, I am 31, and a lot of water has gone under the bridge since then, but it really was an awful time, and I can remember those feelings like it was yesterday.

Best Friend has chosen his name for her baby if it's a boy. Obviously not as a namesake or anything!

I don't want to sound completely pathetic and bring it up with her, but I suspect if I called my baby her ex-husband's name, she might think .

AIBU???

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 29/08/2008 09:50

Sorry, but Ya a bit Bu.

She likes the name, she doesnt have your history in mind, the name has totally different connotations to her.

In time you will "get over it" and see this new baby for what he is. A darling little boy called X.

FWIW, our youngest son shares the same name as a boy I dated shortly before I met dh. I told dh this when we were discussing names, and he said "so what?"

notsoteenagemum · 29/08/2008 09:51

The thing is once baby is born and has that name you will associate the name with friends lovely baby and not hateful ex.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 09:51

It's so funny, someone has just posted the name in the Baby Names section.

Is BF following me?

OP posts:
sagacious · 29/08/2008 09:51

In the nicest possible way YABU.

I would imagine your friend would have thought you are long over it.

Its a name not the person you once knew.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 09:52

Good point sagacious, good point.

OP posts:
hecate · 29/08/2008 09:53

erm. I think so, yes. I am sure that what happened hurt (it sounds horrible for you), but you have moved on in life. She probably has no idea it would bother you. You have a husband, a baby. What this man did to you was shit, but that's in the past and not related to this baby. (which might be a girl anyway)

combustiblelemon · 29/08/2008 09:54

I'm not surprised you're a bit thrown by it, but I don't think it would be a great plan to mention it to your friend. It's their choice. They might have a girl or change their mind over the boy's name. Could you look on it as an opportunity to wipe away the negative associations? I'm sure that if they did use the name, their DS would fairly quickly replace your ex as your primary association on hearing it.

Cies · 29/08/2008 09:55

YABU. I agree with all the others above. You'll come to associate it with darling cute little baby, not dumping ex partner.

Boco · 29/08/2008 09:55

Maybe it'll be a good thing and help you get totally past this - you'll have different associations with the name and it'll be your bfs baby and not a heartbreaking toad.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 09:56

OK, so it's a good thing. it's a good thing.

I will repeat this until December and pray it's a bloody girl.

OP posts:
combustiblelemon · 29/08/2008 09:56
Grin
HonoriaGlossop · 29/08/2008 09:58

YABU. Well not really U but you are perhaps being Unrealistic. It is just a name after all and it must be her absolute favourite, best name in the world, otherwise she wouldn't have chosen it.......

I agree with boco - seeing her adorable little boy who you will love and adore with the name, will make it new for you

wolfear · 29/08/2008 10:00

I think it depends if it's an unusual or memorable name that you don't hear all the time, YANBU. If it's something pretty standard, like Ben, YABU. I can sortof see where you are coming from though. I'm not sure I'd like it.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 10:00

Ha ha, yes it's Ben.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 29/08/2008 10:02

Two of my favourite names for boys are guys that DP would have reason to veto them over.
They are both guys I used to talk to a lot before I got with DP, and he is sure I had a 'thing' for them both.
One of the names we used for our new DS and the other name is top of the list if we have another boy!
It's true that no matter how painful a name and it's associations are you'll soon get over them and the name will become a part of someone else.

FWIW, DP has the same name as my first serious BF and his Dad has the same name as my XP (my children's dad!)

hecate · 29/08/2008 10:04

Crikey, Ben. You can hardly avoid that name, now can you? It's one of the most common around!!

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 10:06

No, I realise that, but I do think that's a little different than my best friend who watched me go through all this calling her son Ben.

But I did know you'd say I was BU. And you're all being very gentle with me!!

OP posts:
reginaphilangy · 29/08/2008 10:09

'tis just a name pinkjenny. If we go through all of our friends ex's/ex best friends/second cousins twice removed names when naming our dc's we would have frighteningly little choice

You won't associate the name with your ex when baby is born - just with your friends gorgeous little lad

In short, yes, YABU.

VictorianSqualor · 29/08/2008 10:10

LOL.
Ben was the second name I'm talking about. The first was Alex, pretty common standard names, tbh.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 10:15

OK, I wasn't going to mention it to her or anything anyway, so my instincts were obviously telling me I was BU.

But I have to be honest with you, I still think it's shitty. But I'll keep that to myself.

OP posts:
LouMacca · 29/08/2008 10:18

Pinkjenny, I can see where you are coming from.

I associate names due to experiences I have had in the past with people who have those names. I think its natural to be feeling this way especially as she is your best friend.

BTW I had Ben for a boy, then SIL had a boy first and pinched my name.......grrr

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 10:19

It is a lovely name. LouMacca - how rude!!

OP posts:
foxytocin · 29/08/2008 10:20

The more you use the name, the less significance it will have with an old flame and more with the child in front of you. it is all part of getting over it.

WickedBitchoftheEast · 29/08/2008 10:33

My frinds ex was called Adam and I always loved the name, if I had had a son at that time that is what he would have been called, Unfortunately it never occured to me that my friend might have been affected by it if I had called him that, so does that make me a bad friend?

Bearing in mind we choose this name for life, I think its her call and no other thought should come into it.

I called my son what I wanted to call him, not my friends, although the best they could come up with were Stanley & Norman in fact one of them still calls him Normie !!!

But saying that I do sympathise, but I'm not sure your hubby of 4 years would be so understanding

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 10:35

Ha ha, but he doesn't follow me onto MN.

OP posts: