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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Best friend's choice of baby name

49 replies

Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 09:47

All opinions gratefully received. I promise not to flounce. Much.

OK, so my best friend is expecting her second baby in December, and doesn't know the sex. However, the boys' name she has come up with is, possibly, going to bother me a bit.

The history:
When I was 23, I was engaged to a wonderful boy who I had gone to Uni with. We had our own house, good jobs, and it looked like everything was going to be rosy in our garden. We were due to get married in September 2001. And in the June of that year, when everything, and I mean EVERYTHING was arranged, he called it off and dumped me. I moved back to my parents' house, and I was completely heartbroken. He continued to torture me for about a year, with 'Oh I'm not sure if I did the right thing, blah blah'.

Now I am fully aware that I have now been married for 4 years, I am 31, and a lot of water has gone under the bridge since then, but it really was an awful time, and I can remember those feelings like it was yesterday.

Best Friend has chosen his name for her baby if it's a boy. Obviously not as a namesake or anything!

I don't want to sound completely pathetic and bring it up with her, but I suspect if I called my baby her ex-husband's name, she might think .

AIBU???

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 29/08/2008 11:32

It is not your ex following you on to MN, as he is not pregnant and proposing to call his son his own name, it would be your friend on that other thread....

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 11:33

I can't pretend that the thought hadn't crossed my mind...

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 29/08/2008 11:35

In that case, get on the thread and say "Unless your best friends expartner who jilted her at the altar, is called Ben, then go for it"

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 11:37

I'm not brave enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 29/08/2008 11:45

Right, I'm going home now, but I will just say, I still think she's being mean.

OP posts:

kitsmummy · 29/08/2008 13:47

God, you are married to someone else. This is a totally common name that just happens to be the same name as an ex that jilted you 7 years ago. In theory, you've moved on? I could understand if the name was something like Ignatius, but it's Ben!!! if that makes your best friend mean, it must make you pathetic

Nocca · 29/08/2008 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anglepoise · 29/08/2008 14:00

I'm going to buck the trend and say that I understand where you're coming from, especially as I think you know it's something that you just need to have a moan about on here and never ever mention.

When my cousin had her DS 18 months ago, she named him the same name as her younger sister's long-term, on-and-off, non-committal heartbreak boyfriend. Granted, it was a slightly more unusual name than Ben (I think I've only met two - no-good ex and baby cousin), but then he wasn't quite as bad as a jilter. I know that the younger sister and indeed most of the family found that quite an odd choice - there are a LOT of other names out there! No one ever mentioned that either though.

18 months on, I would think of the baby cousin, not the ex when I heard the name (haven't asked the younger sister though!).

skidoodle · 29/08/2008 14:03

i think it is mean too

greenandpleasant · 29/08/2008 14:12

Perhaps look at it like this ... I have a bf whose husband is called James. James has treated my friend very badly and is now considered by all to be a complete bastard. I also have a nice friend called James and another very dear friend called James. who is also godfather to ds1.

James is also a very safe, straightforward, popular name. If I were to have another baby AND it was a boy, James would probably be at the top of my list. It would not occur to me to not call him that because of associations with someone else. there are lots of James's out there, lots of Bens and Toms and other popular names. Once in a while one of those people called by a very popular name is going to turn out to be a less than pleasant person and sometimes it will be you on the receiving end. You cannot expect people to veto those names because of your associations with them.

She really isn't being shitty. I appreciate that you were left heartbroken by your ex, but you have moved on, you have a dh, dc, etc. Or have you moved on? tbh this sounds more about you being over - or not? - what the first Ben did to you than your friend's choice of a popular, straightforward, safe name for her child.

dingdong05 · 29/08/2008 14:14

My sister randomly decided that if she had a boy (not preggers, or even trying, just hypothetical) she would give him my exs name. Not because of him, but she decided she liked the name
"Of all the names in the world why did you bloody well have to choose that!" She eventually understood where I was coming from, and I came to understand where she was coming from too. She said she'd probably change her mind if it ever had a baby to go with it...
I should bloody well hope so too

skidoodle · 29/08/2008 17:20

there are many popular and safe boys names.

Why choose one with such negative connotations to your BEST friend?

If one of my best friends had been treated so cruelly and i had helped her through it, I wouldn't dream of calling my child the name of the person who caused all the pain.

Seems somehow so unthinking, so disloyal. For a best friend I would find another name. It's not like they're in short supply

Not that you can say anything...

bubblagirl · 29/08/2008 17:25

i had a really abusive x and a friend called her son the same name and didnt bother me at all the little boy was so gorgeous and gave me a new feeling to that name instead of the negativity i felt about it

didnt take it personally justa name they both agreed on and suited there baby very much and now when i hear that name i think of the most gorgeous child not an arse of an ex

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 29/08/2008 17:26

YABU.

If you feel she has done it to annoy you then let her go as a friend. But she probably just likes the name.

You need to get over it. Sorry.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 29/08/2008 17:29

Why is it "shitty?" She hasn't done it to annoy or hurt you. Has she?

lulumama · 29/08/2008 17:33

it is such an 'ordinary' name though.. not like she is naming him after this man..if he was called something like horatio

you might still have some feelings to work through if, years later, and married to someone else, with a child, the name still bothers you

and you know i adore you but YABU!

MaureenMLove · 29/08/2008 17:47

My best friend would have struggled to find a boys name for a bloke I didn't have a relationship with!

It is a bit daft and lets face it, you know that! Everything will be lovely and rosie in the garden, when the baby is born and you won't give it another thought!

skidoodle · 29/08/2008 18:16

oh come on, this isn't about any friend giving her son the same name as any boyfriend.

This is a best friend giving her son a name that will always remind someone she supposedly loves and presumably wants in the child's life of a really painful time.

I just can't see that the name Ben is special enough to risk those associations for someone so close. Are there no other boring names she could pick?

HarrietTheSpy · 30/08/2008 00:28

What skidoodle says - re the name not being special enough to risk those associations, etc.

It wouldn't appeal to me to name my child after a person who did that to my best friend, not so much out of 'disloyalty' but because it would have a negative assoc for me too. "Remember that JERK X?!" I agree it's a bit of a bizarre decision.

BalloonSlayer · 30/08/2008 08:10

My DS2 has the same name as the lovely chap my niece dumped while I was pregnant.

He was the first person I had ever met with that name (though it's not madly unusual) but we did not name DS for him, we had been vaguely considering it before we met him - it actually made no difference.

I was sad my niece dumped her lovely boyfriend, and therefore I was worried that she would think the name we had chosen was somehow "in tribute" to him and be .

Fortunately she is a sensible girl and never let it bother her for a second.

FlightAttendent · 30/08/2008 08:19

Oooh I had a boyfried called Ben. He asked me to marry him one day and gave me a cut-out-this-ring-if-it's-yes drawn on the back of a cereal packet!!

He was lovely and I was an arse to him but we lived together for about a year.

Then he was with another girl for about 7 years, left her, I think he is with someone else now as he won't meet up any more

I think you just have to move on. Maybe the name is reasserting itself as something you shouldn't hate just because it belonged to a horrible bloke

BalloonSlayer · 30/08/2008 08:40

Sorry I didn't mean to imply that you are not being sensible.

If you want to dissuade her from her choice, you could do worse than point out that - to paraphrase Sam Goldwyn - "every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Ben."

I think I know four just within my closest circle of friends. It is the most popular boys name I can think of. I can see why though - it's a lovely name.

skidoodle · 30/08/2008 08:46

Yes Harriet, I think that was what I was getting at when I said disloyal. It's not quite the right word.

FluffyMummy123 · 30/08/2008 08:50

Message withdrawn

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