Can't win. Same old childcare mum row I've seen on MN million times before, but now it's ME, what do i do?

[jiminy]

Mum absolutely INSISTS she wants to look after my DS in September when I go back to work after maternity leave. However, my sister is a teacher so she goes back to work in September and expects my mum to look after her kids (who are quite challenging) full time.

I told my mum that I didn't want the kids being looked after together as she barely copes with sister's kids (babies) as it is, so it's not good having 3 together being looked after by one person when 2 are hard work.

She said she would tell sister that she would be looking after my DS one afternoon a week so couldn't have her kids then. I thought that was fair considering she'll be having them the other 5 days per week. However, I'd rather she didn't have to look after kids 5 full bloody days a week and there's places I can send my DS.

She isn't having any of it and INSISTS she minds my son.

Sister rung me today asking what nursery I'm putting DS in. Obviously flapping that mum won't be having her kids if she has my DS.

So I told mum the hours today and she said she'll take DS 2.30- 6 one day a week. But then she said sister's kids will be going home at 4.30. I said I didn't want them looking after together. So she starts storming around whinging.

I said it's ok, MIL is desperate to look after him, so is SIL, and there's a nursery where I work.

So then she starts screaming and shouting that she's getting left out.

WTF?

So what am I meant to do?

I'd rather just send DS to MIL and SIL as I'm only working 3 afternoons a week. But now she's all upset.

Tell her she either minds your son on his own or she doesn't get him. He is not a commodity to be lent out.

TBH if she is this much hard work beforehand I wouldn't bother.

id let my mum look after the three of them like she asks. what do you think will happen?? im sure she can share the time/love of a devoted gp for 2 hours a week... really.

For 2 hours she can probably cope so let her do it, she wants to spend time with your ds being in charge. Let her do it, if it's too much for her you can change the arrangement.

I think you are being unreasonable.

If your mother feels she can cope, why not? It is only one day a week after all. I'm sure she is looking forward to seeing all of her grandchildren together. You are putting an incredible strain on your mother, I suspect, by effectively asking her to choose between your DS and your sister's children. Clearly you want your mother to renege on any agreement your sister already has in place, after all, the school term is but a week away.

Is this a PFB?

Book a nursery place for your child. (Especially as you have a nursery where you work). Tell your mother that you are using the nursery because it provides the kind of care you want for your son. Tell her that you would prefer her to be a GRANDPARENT, not a childminder; that you hope she will continue to have a lovely relationship with your son, based on enjoying time spent freely together, rather than as a childcare arrangement.
Then explain the same thing to your MIL and SIL.
Using grandparents for childcare is fraught with issues (just read previous threads!) particularly in your case as you have several family members seemingly assuming that they have an automatic right to look after your child, so will end up playing eachother off in this situation.
Finally, ask yourself, do you really want your son to be looked after by someone who sees this quite aggressively as her RIGHT to look after him? It feels as though your family members are being very coercive in this situation - I wouldnt be happy with it at all.

How old are your sisters children,3 babies at once is a bi of a tall order,has she really thougt it through

My mother looks after my boys half a day a week. Its much more for her benefit than ours!
She is grandmother. They are your baby's cousins. For 2 hours he will have his cousins, then for 1.5 hours granny's devoted attention.
tbh I can't wait for your MIL childcare threads

I send my two to nursery the rest of the time we work. I like a good contractual arrangement guaranteed not to upset any family members.

It would be nicer for you mum to have your DS for a whole day.

Could your sister not arrange alternative care for her 2, one day a week. That would save alot of pissing about.

Families and childcare are a bit of a nightmare altogether though TBH.

Use the nursery. You can pop in and see him at lunchtime.

is your sister your only sibling? Just hinking that your dm obviously has already brought up atleast 2 children of her own, and is probably quite capable of looking after 3 for 2 hours once a week.

thinking. Have no idea what hinking is, although it sounds rather interesting!!

whether your mum feels she can cope or not, it's YOUR decision for your baby and he needs to be somewhere you are happy for him to be, and where you won't worry about him.

Doesn't matter if it's only for a couple of hours a day, it's still Your Choice.

i absolutely agree with honoriaglossop, it is completely irrelevant whether she can cope with the 3 and that they are his cousins, if you are not happy with the arrangement then that is that. If your sister arranges care for 2 hours then you and your mother will be happy and the problem will be solved, I would speak to your sister

If I was your sister and someone was suggesting that my longstanding childcare arrangements should be changed at short notice, so that my sister's PFB didn't have to mix with my "difficult" DC's, I'd be mightily fed up.

Your poor mum, being asked to choose between her 2 children and her 2 lots of grandchildren.

If he goes to nursery he's hardly likely to get 121 attention all the time and it's only for a few hours.

Also, you are really asking for trouble if you start labeling other children as difficult when yours can hardly be walking yet. You're not entitled to judge your sister's children until you have at least an equal number and have been through the same stage yourself. You don't know what you've got coming yet

I dont think you are being unreasonable, you need to be happy with the arrangements for your child. it sounds like your mum doesnt feel able to stand up to your sister, but I dont think that is your problem.

Personally, I wouldn't touch any kind of family childcare with a ten foot pole. As Flibs says, I like a good contractual arrangement, and with a nursery not with a childminder so there's no chance of being let down when the CM or their children are ill. What will happen when your mother, your MIL, or your SIL isn't well or is on holiday or wants to go on an outing of their own or simply doesn't feel like unpaid babymninding? You will end up resenting them. Pay for three half-day sessions at your workplace nursery, then no-one feels singled out for ill treatment.

Your children, your decision but I do agree with whatday.

"If I was your sister and someone was suggesting that my longstanding childcare arrangements should be changed at short notice, so that my sister's PFB didn't have to mix with my "difficult" DC's, I'd be mightily fed up.

Your poor mum, being asked to choose between her 2 children and her 2 lots of grandchildren.

If he goes to nursery he's hardly likely to get 121 attention all the time and it's only for a few hours.

Also, you are really asking for trouble if you start labeling other children as difficult when yours can hardly be walking yet. You're not entitled to judge your sister's children until you have at least an equal number and have been through the same stage yourself. You don't know what you've got coming yet smile"

I too am with honoriaglossop. Going back to work is hard enough without worrying whether your child is OK and you will be with this situation.

I am horrified by the fact your mum is INSISTING on this in this way. She may be able to cope but that's not the point. You are not happy with this and her baltant refusal to try and understand this would be reason enough in my book to say no thanks.

Agree with other posters who say it would be simpler all round to put him in nursery. Then if your mum wants to look after him occasionally when your sister is away she can do so but you have the reassurance of knowing you have this reliable definite childcare you are happy with in place.

You are not being unreasonable.

I think you should send him to nursery so you know where you stand and avoid the family issues (it sounds like there will be many!). If your Mum wants time with DS and you are happy for her to do so she can have him an afternoon or so now and again at the weekend and you can go shopping/have haircut/drink coffee etc. this will really help once you're back at work. You could even try an arrangement where she collects him from nursery and has some time with him on her own now and again.

It's great that you want her to be a grandmother and not childcare. I see you're not asking her to choose between you and your sister and that you're trying to prevent her from taking on too much.

I also don't think you were attacking your sisters? kids but making the point that your Mum doesn't find it easy looking after them without adding another. Whether they are the type of kids that sit quietly and sleep a lot or the type that climbs the curtains, swings from the light fittings and fight with each other (like mine do!) at your Mums house is relevant to the discussion.

WHAT I SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE PUT IN MY OP:

1 is on oxygen, 1 has very bad colic, and mine apnoea. They're not difficult as in horrible children, they're just hard work because they have problems.

All the babies will be under 5 months old.

And all 3, mum, MIL and SIL said they will be 'highly offended' if I put LO in nursery which adds to the burden.

WHAT I SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE PUT IN MY OP:

1 is on oxygen, 1 has very bad colic, and mine apnoea. They're not difficult as in horrible children, they're just hard work because they have problems.

All the babies will be under 5 months old.

And all 3, mum, MIL and SIL said they will be 'highly offended' if I put LO in nursery which adds to the burden.

oops... I meant to put that once, sorry.

Oh and another point is that my sister hasn't arranged childcare yet as she's off until xmas (though her DH goes back in September) as she's been a bit poorly.

But she's going to want my mum to mind her kids, she's made that very clear. She said she doesn't trust anyone else.

OK I can TOTALLY see where you are coming from now!

F*ck them being offended. What is your gut reaction about where you would like ds to be? Go with that and just tell them this is what you wanted for your ds because x / y / z or simply 'because he is my son and that means it is up to me and I shouldn't have to worry about upsetting overbearing relatives who presume very wrongly that this is their decision or on fact any of their chuffing business!'

OK so they are kind to offer but not kind to make you feel guilty for saying thanks but no thanks!