Can't win. Same old childcare mum row I've seen on MN million times before, but now it's ME, what do i do?

[jiminy]

Mum absolutely INSISTS she wants to look after my DS in September when I go back to work after maternity leave. However, my sister is a teacher so she goes back to work in September and expects my mum to look after her kids (who are quite challenging) full time.

I told my mum that I didn't want the kids being looked after together as she barely copes with sister's kids (babies) as it is, so it's not good having 3 together being looked after by one person when 2 are hard work.

She said she would tell sister that she would be looking after my DS one afternoon a week so couldn't have her kids then. I thought that was fair considering she'll be having them the other 5 days per week. However, I'd rather she didn't have to look after kids 5 full bloody days a week and there's places I can send my DS.

She isn't having any of it and INSISTS she minds my son.

Sister rung me today asking what nursery I'm putting DS in. Obviously flapping that mum won't be having her kids if she has my DS.

So I told mum the hours today and she said she'll take DS 2.30- 6 one day a week. But then she said sister's kids will be going home at 4.30. I said I didn't want them looking after together. So she starts storming around whinging.

I said it's ok, MIL is desperate to look after him, so is SIL, and there's a nursery where I work.

So then she starts screaming and shouting that she's getting left out.

WTF?

So what am I meant to do?

I'd rather just send DS to MIL and SIL as I'm only working 3 afternoons a week. But now she's all upset.

ALso your mum hasn't even had to get used to minding 1 or 2 of them yet - what are you going to do if you go along with her and then she drops you in it at the last minute as she can't cope?!

Wow that's different. Does anyone know what the rules are for childminders? i.e. if she was an "official" childminder would she be allowed 3 under a year old? If she wouldn't be allowed to have them officially, that could add some weight to your argument that she shouldn't.

Could your MIL/SIL have him until 4:30 and your mum take over then, if she doesn't want to miss out - although by then I should think she'll probably want to put her feet up! I know I would.

Funnily enough, I was going to write "screw them being offended" so I'm glad to see that AliceT has alreay upped the ante! Them being offended is totally irrelevant. And what on earth is your mother thinking? Three babies under five months, all with what might well be termed special needs?

In my ds's nursery it's 3 children to 1 childminder at that age. Sure it might need to be more if there was issues such as oxgen / apnoea etc. DOn't know though.

bluestocking!

All the way through this I was getting ready to type "YABU...of course she can manage". But actually, YANBU in any way. 3 under 5 months? Is she insane? I would go with the "official childminder couldn't do this" line, if I were you. The poor woman would be on her knees after the first afternoon.

Any chance she could have a practice one afternoon with all three of them? Might be enough to put her off and then the problem goes away.

jiminy are you the poster with the problems with your sister & BIL and their attitude?

Perhaps you should say to your Mum - don't be ridiculous, you will see plenty of ds when I bring him around when I'm not work - you can have lots of time with him then.

SIL/MIL thank you for your offer how about........

you have him when nursery can't (illness/closed etc)?
alternate weeks on afternoon per week?

Having family look after him one afternoon per week should be okay as long as you don't mind him being spoilt (which I think is fine one half day per week)

I've not posted about my Sis and BIL before, but they can be very selfish and take over the show IYKWIM. And she's got all funny at the moment because my mum's got a very close bond with my DS.

It's quite a dilema isn't it?

I think the trial afternoon is a good idea. You could be there (say with a book in the garden) to step in as needed.

I can't believe your mum is actually ready to take on the first 2 5 days PW, let alone 3. I think I'd be reluctant to have all 3 even for 1 afternoon, let alone on a regular basis. I'd certainly want to have had a practise before being left completely on my own with them. In fact that's what I did for my Dad and my MIL when they were going to have DS1 for 1 day each and there was only 1 of him! They were both pleased with the suggestion (or at least they humoured me)

I think YABU - I imagine you Mum is feeling quite offended that you don't think she can cope looking after all 3 children at once.

Surely your ds will enjoy spending time with his grandmother and cousins, especially as he gets older.

Kslatts, did you read all the posts?

okay well there is another poster with a sister you had prem twins who were born a couple of weeks before her dc was due sometime this year.

Her Sister and BIL are very strange and very demanding (and miserable!)

You could also point out that your ds will settle better with 3 afternoons at the same setting rather than being shipped out from pillar to post but you'd love her to have him overnights once he is old enough!!!!

Put your child in the nursery. It solves evereything.

OH - and abolutely what Xenia says.

And, Cargirl, it rings massive bells with me too.

Is this what it reminded you of cargirl?this

Yes that is the poster but I thought jiminy might like to know that she is not alone in the 3 gc born at the same time dilema.....!

Is a nursery going to cope with apnoea? (will be a 3:1 ratio as well). I'm not trying to throw a spanner in the works just have had very mixed nursery experiences with a child who needed extra care (one excellent, one diabolical.

I think as it's only 2 hours your mum could probably cope (I have 3 very difficult children - because of problems- 2 hours is fine barely bat an eyelid, a whole day alone has me stressed before it's begun).

BUt your child so you should choose and not be blackmailed. It would be kind of your mother to offer, not on for her to insist/sulk.

I think being looked after by three different caregivers every week might be a bit much anyway (and complicated on the logistics front for you). Has your mum looked after your sister's babies for long periods of time yet? Does she know what she is letting herself in for with two, let alone three? I would choose the caregiver on the basis of what will work best for you and for your ds, not what makes everyone else happy. Otherwise you risk setting something up that isn't sustainable for anyone and that could lead to real problems down the line with your relationships.

It is good to know I'm not alone. Sister isn't usually too bad though, she's just a bit self involved at the moment that's all which she's bound to be as she's got a baby screaming all night with colic.

ERM...WORK IT OUT WITH YOUR mum....because you are luvky to have someone volunteering...
and how bad are the other kids?

1 is on oxygen and 1 has very bad colic.

OMG YANBU at all. How old is your mum by the way?
I am going to have so many probs too re childcare when I go back to work and dreading it as my mum will want to look after dd yet she can hardly walk. Inlawas want to look after too and they are much more capable. I want one day in laws, 2 days nursery. All hell is going to break loose. I totally empathise with you but I think you need to do what you want. It is your child.

She's 53 so still young but getting on. I know what you mean about all hell breaking loose, it's like everyone thinks they are BOUND to be looking after baby. But that's not necessrily the case.

MIL can be a nightmare, SIL is great but MIL would be offended if SIL was asked and not her, and my mum's great and DS loves her but I don't want to cause any fuss for my sister.

politics....don't feature