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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ok, never posted in this section before but here goes... To think neighbours are a tad unfair to start ivf when they are going down the adoption route?

35 replies

liahgen · 27/08/2008 10:28

gosh, hope i don't get flamed for this..[worried]

My neighbours, (single sex couple) want children
Considered ivf , and have offers of sperm donation from people they know. But

S wanted child to know it's father, but N didn't so decided no go as couldn't really compromise on such an important issue

Started adoption route, told about 18 mths.

Well now, they've decided to hedge their bets and have started private ivf treatment with donor sperm

I just think, as someone who had fertility issues, and as a Doula, I am currently supporting a couple who tried 14! ivf's, (baby due any day, woohoo)they are being a bit unfair, and using up resources that other couples could be using?

Well?

OP posts:
posieflump · 27/08/2008 10:29

yabu

they can have an adopted child and their own. can't see why that is using resources other people could be using? Aren't they entitled to plan for 2 or more children?

Koshka · 27/08/2008 10:31

good luck!

SlartyBartFast · 27/08/2008 10:31

would they be allowed to adopt a child with all this going on anyway?

NoMoreOlympics · 27/08/2008 10:32

I thought (could be mistaken though), that to qualify to be considered for adoption you had to stop pursuing assisted conception.

I think this is to safeguard against people halting the adoption process anywhere along the pathway if they successfully conceive (which I think has been common in the past, leading to broken hearts all round and never mind the wasted resources!).

Original poster
liahgen · 27/08/2008 10:32

well my client tell me that people are waiting for social workers to be allocated and that they cost about 20 grand.

Thay can't go through their adoptions as there are no spare sw.

Maybe I am being unreasonable. [thoughtful emotican]

OP posts:
JacobsPrincess · 27/08/2008 10:32

I can understand where you are coming from, but if they are having private ivf, then it's their money and their resources.

Original poster
liahgen · 27/08/2008 10:33

well no Slarty, they haven't told the adoption people. That's what pisses me off really.

Kosha

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 27/08/2008 10:33

i meant to say what nomoreolympics said... to adopt a child you would surely need to be committed to that one child?

SlartyBartFast · 27/08/2008 10:34

xposts

giddly · 27/08/2008 10:34

Not getting involved in rights and wrongs on this, but know that when my SIL started on the adoption route she had to agree to stop TTC.

SlartyBartFast · 27/08/2008 10:34

well, i spose they will have to tell sw at some point wont thye - seems like they are hedging their bets

Original poster
liahgen · 27/08/2008 10:35

well imo i am not being unreasonable then.

I know all this cos S told me.

I'll mind my own business, it's up to them, but just makes me a bit cross.

OP posts:
NoMoreOlympics · 27/08/2008 10:36

My sister tried the adoption route but gave up because of the (in her eyes) totally intrusive and unreasonable demands the process put her relationship through.

I am pretty sure one of the first conditions was that they had ceased pursuing assisted conception, private or not.

Original poster
liahgen · 27/08/2008 10:37

posie, sorry wasn't ignoring you.

Original plan for only one child as S didn't really want any. Tis N that wants them and has managed to persuade S.

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 27/08/2008 10:38

in their eyes i spose come 18 months when the wait for sw is up, if they havent conceived -- thye can go that way. can sort of understand it

Original poster
liahgen · 27/08/2008 10:40

yeah i suppose i can too.

N is quite a bit older than S and so is thinking she doesn't want to be much older parent.

note to self, be more sympathetic.

OP posts:
bagofhammers · 27/08/2008 10:40

Why are they paying £20 000 for social workers?

SlartyBartFast · 27/08/2008 10:40

i spect SW are used to all sorts of let downs

LackaDAISYcal · 27/08/2008 10:41

why can't they have their own child and adopt as well? I'm sure there isn't a shortage of parentless children looking for a home, and why would having their own child make them any less committed to their adopted child?

I know a few friends who have siblings who were adopted.

just realised they are a same sex couple. would that change things?

Original poster
liahgen · 27/08/2008 10:43

Bagofhammers, they are not paying sw's. That is roughly how much it costs per couple to allocate sw.

Slarty, yes i guess they are.

Lacka, they only want one child. Being single sex, makes the process little more complicated but they are in a comitted relationship, they were married last year, and they said it does seem to make a difference.

OP posts:
Mamazon · 27/08/2008 10:44

there is no shortage of children looking for a forever home...trust me!

Of course they would love to have a child of their "own"
Adoption is great but i am sure it is no substitute for your own flesh and blood.

i wish them all the luck in the world with both routes.

Original poster
liahgen · 27/08/2008 10:46

yeah so do i. Must learn to put my own feelings to one side.

OP posts:
giddly · 27/08/2008 10:50

Even if they wanted more than one child they wouldn't be able to adopt for some years after the birth of a "natural" child so wouldn't be able to go down both routes at once.

pollyblue · 27/08/2008 11:02

Dh and i looked into adoption as we thought we wouldn't conceive - the agency we contacted said they would not consider us if we planned to also try IVF. They want to know you are committed to adopting, and to get half way through an adoption application(which can tkae many months) then find you are also expecting can throw a real spanner in the works.

Scarletibis · 27/08/2008 11:02

As I understand it if you are going for adoption then you were not supposed to try for your own child at the same time.