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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my SIL spoke inappropriately to my 5 year old

124 replies

susia · 25/08/2008 20:47

My son and his cousin both 5 were playing in my parent's garden. My parents have a big garden about 200 foot but not enormous and it is surrounded by a hedge/fence all around. Anyway, they were playing outside alone which I think is completely fine.

Anyway, my son came in and said 'Is someone going to steal me?' and I said 'of course not! who said that to you?' My SIL said 'I did, because they were playing in the garden on their own, which I'm not happy about'.

I said I was fine with my DS playing outside on his own and I had to keep reassuring my DS that noone would steal him.

I think was really wrong of her to say, I have in the past had a chat with him about going off with strangers etc but have not felt it appropriate to worry him about abduction. I also feel that at 5 he is fine along/playing with his cousin in an enclosed garden!

OP posts:
notforgirls · 25/08/2008 22:44

"the things that I have said to try to warn my DS is that if anyone tries to take him away from his friends/me/etc he should not go and should tell either a policeman/trafficwarden/shop assistant/woman with children (if any are around). Otherwise, just refuse to go with them"

I am shocked, all it takes is for an adult to easily over power a child.

Original poster
susia · 25/08/2008 22:46

NGF - no I wasn't kidnapped or sexually abused and God forbid that happen to my DS but the point is it is very, very unlikely.

He needs to be brought up to have fun, enjoy the company of other children, do all the things that children get up to when adults aren't around and be streetwise enough to recognise danger.

Of course, there are terrible cases around and it is my job to try my best to not put him in danger. I would not allow him at 5 to play in the streets! but I hope that when he is 8 if he is sensible, I will be able to be calm enough to allow him to.

OP posts:
speckyfoureyes · 25/08/2008 22:46

An adult can overpower another adult,so shall we all stay in the safety of our homes?

ThatBigGermanPrison · 25/08/2008 22:46

All it takes is for ANY adult to develop paranoid schizophrenia and decide your child's eyes are the root of all evil and try to carve them out with a high heeled shoe.

And that's not particularly likely either.

But what if it happened to a teacher? how would you stop it? Is it a risk you feel it's appropriate to take?

hester · 25/08/2008 22:47

notforgirls - yes, she was abused; it was a horrific case. My memory was that she was a bit older - 6/7, I thought - but in any case, my point was that we cannot and do not adjust our lives to take care of all risks. Our kids could be stolen from our beds tonight, but most of us won't be sleeping in with them.

I don't want to imply that I think this is easy. I have to say that my instincts are rather in line with yours - I can't bear to think of anything harming a hair on my daughter's head, and have to work very hard not to be a completely overbearing over-protective parent. But I do recognise that as one of my parenting challenges, and I will try to raise her to be confident and independent - that's my job.

notforgirls · 25/08/2008 22:47

Susia - I might allow my kids when they are 8 too! Depends where we live though.

Heated · 25/08/2008 22:47

"Why take a risk with your children?" Notforgirls for you any risk is unacceptable, however infinitesimal. But imo the greater danger comes from not allowing dcs to take risks at all.

We have friends who have a 'house child', they live in luxury flats abroad, their child is driven to school, driven to indoor play and home. When visiting she just about coped with the completely secure garden but the park was terrifying.

msdemeanor · 25/08/2008 22:49

It is really REALLY offensive to imply the mother in the bath snatch case was at fault. The child was SIX actually. And the mother left her 'unattended' for a few minutes while she took out her baby brother who was sharing her bath.
Next you'll be saying we shouldn't allow our kids to have baths. Or be in our own homes.

speckyfoureyes · 25/08/2008 22:50

Parents need to encourage childrens independance.Being over protective is as harmful as not caring at all

notforgirls · 25/08/2008 22:50

"Notforgirls for you any risk is unacceptable, however infinitesimal. But imo the greater danger comes from not allowing dcs to take risks at all."

That's just no true, my kids play in the garden(on their own), I take them to the park (happily), my 7 year old plays at friend's houses (has done since reception).

I do not allow them to play 'out' as I feel that this is too dangerous.

msdemeanor · 25/08/2008 22:52

Exactly. Filling their heads full of terrifying horror stories is putting them at risk IMO. It can really damage a child's confidence. Children need to play without fear, to get exercise and to socialise. And if they can't do that in their grandma's garden, then we are not bringing them up properly.

notforgirls · 25/08/2008 22:53

md

I thought the child was 3. I was not implying it was the parent's fault. But I do not have alot of sympathy for people who take stupid risks - there door was unlocked - was it not? I feel sorry for the poor child.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 25/08/2008 22:53

I leave my 5 year old in his bath while I deal with his younger brother. He has as yet completely failed to be abducted, despite being left unattended in the garden quite regularly.

IME, children who are constantly told to 'be careful' fail to develop coping strategies for why being careful wasn't enough to keep them out of trouble.

I'd rather my child knew what to do if in that situation then panic completely because I'm not there. I'm talking about the future here - but as for the bath thing, I am NOT going to allow fear of the unavoidable ruin his childhood.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 25/08/2008 22:54

You are blaming the parents because of something a paedophile did?

Could you be any more offensive?

Heated · 25/08/2008 22:55

But you see that as risky behaviour - whilst that's just not, from my perspective.

msdemeanor · 25/08/2008 22:55

I often leave my back door unlocked when I am at home. So I assume you'd think I was to blame if one of my little children was taken and repeatedly raped? You really don't sound a nice person at all.

notforgirls · 25/08/2008 22:55

I think some parent's are over protective. But i also think that for some parents it is easier to chuck their kids in the street to play than to have them under their feet.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 25/08/2008 22:56

My Lord, at what age are you allowed to undo the handcuffs? When they hit 18 stone and nobody can pick them up and walk off with them?

notforgirls · 25/08/2008 22:57

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notforgirls · 25/08/2008 22:58

MD

I am gobsmacked.

Original poster
susia · 25/08/2008 23:00

I find this thread really interesting - how much freedom will I allow my DS. I hope as much as I had.

I have two friends with 14 year old sons. One mother picks her 14 year old up from school still, does everything for him still. The other left her 14 year old to look after her 12 year old while she and her husband spent the night in a hotel. Think 14 may be a bit young for that?? but on the other hand I was left for 2 weeks alone at 15 because I didn't want to go on holiday with my family...

OP posts:
speckyfoureyes · 25/08/2008 23:00

I certainly don't chuck my kids out on the street to play so they're not under my feet.Thhey enjoy it,they run,ride bikes,climb trees and interact with their peers.All normal things to do that encourage their confidence and independance.All being done while I am indoors lonely.

notforgirls · 25/08/2008 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
susia · 25/08/2008 23:06

NFG - I don't leave my back door unlocked but I honestly think that is because of the number of horror films I have seen - the risks are really minimal.

I wish we lived in the kind of world where people could trust their neighbours as they used to do or at least I could.

OP posts:
Heated · 25/08/2008 23:08

I understand your wish to keep them protected & free from any harm whatsover; I fight the need to go and fight their battles for them...but they have to have the experience so they can cope as adults.

I grew up in London and have always played out. When out one lunchtime at secondary school, me & 2 friends were flashed - we just looked at each other and roared with laughter and walked on. We then heard he had done the same to the larger number of girls queueing outside the bakery, who attacked him and he was forced to shut himself inside the phonebox and call for the police!

It even got a mention in assembly, the dep head trying to give a message about not taking matters into your own hands - an unfortunate turn of phrase that .

The point being that being street savvy enables you to deal with things if or when ever anything does happen.