to think my SIL spoke inappropriately to my 5 year old

[susia]

My son and his cousin both 5 were playing in my parent's garden. My parents have a big garden about 200 foot but not enormous and it is surrounded by a hedge/fence all around. Anyway, they were playing outside alone which I think is completely fine.

Anyway, my son came in and said 'Is someone going to steal me?' and I said 'of course not! who said that to you?' My SIL said 'I did, because they were playing in the garden on their own, which I'm not happy about'.

I said I was fine with my DS playing outside on his own and I had to keep reassuring my DS that noone would steal him.

I think was really wrong of her to say, I have in the past had a chat with him about going off with strangers etc but have not felt it appropriate to worry him about abduction. I also feel that at 5 he is fine along/playing with his cousin in an enclosed garden!

Your SIL is a very fearful person and should NOT be passing that on to your five year old. Tell her to speak to you in future, not your child.

Susia,

But if there is really small chance then surley we ca'nt take that chance? I agree that kids need some freedom and don't think playing in a secure gareden on their own is a problem although i would be wary of places that someone could be hiding. Years ago geberally children had more freedom but that was because child paedohiles and the like were not publised as much as today. IMO children need to know that that bad things can happen.

Totally out of order. I agree with the sentiment that a life lived in fear is a life half lived. If you see every possible situation as a threat, then what's the point in life?? I'd be really angry for someone to scare my kids like that.

FFS she's a nutter. She's like my SIL who wouldn't let her dcs go on a bus or train on their own until they were 18 in case they were abducted.

notforgirls - there is a small chance of getting killed in a car crash every time you go out in a car. Or your child falling off a slide and injuring themself. Of course no one is suggesting taking unnecessary risks, but to try to live your life eliminating every teeny chance of something going wrong is madness!

findtheriver

As parents we all make choices. My kids are allowed to play outside in my garden on their own(there is no where for anyone to hide, is enclosed). I do let them take risks. I probably would't tell someone else's child they may get stolen but I do tell my kids that because they might if they are allowed to be in that situation.

Years ago geberally children had more freedom but that was because child paedohiles and the like were not publised as much as today.

Notforgirls....you're right, it wasn't publisied (sp?) like it is today, the risk was just the same then as it is now. Our parents knew bad people were out there, they just weren't hysterical about it

I can see where notforgirls is coming from. A while back when my DD was barely 3.5 she had a habit of running off in shops. I tried and tried to get through to her without frightening her, but in the end had to tell her that there were a very few nasty people in the world and if she did run off and meet one of them they might take her away from Mummy & Daddy. I really did not enjoy saying it, as I like her to have as much freedom and possible (and I talk to anyone and everyone so couldn't go down the don't talk to strangers route) but was at the end of my tether and absolutely terrifed that she would get run off and really lost.

That said, I do think it was completely out of order for you SIL to say that to your child. She should have had the common sense and courtesy to have raised any concerns with you first, and they do sound like pretty unfounded concerns under the circumstances.

notforgirls - have you actually ever heard of anyone hiding in the bushes in someone's garden and abducting their child/ren? I'm intrigued.

PS FWIW it didn't have that much of an effect on my DD, she still a pita in shops!!!

Janni,

I would be more worried in that situation that they were molested by someone hiding. No, I have'nt heard of this but I will not be taking the risk. Have you ever heard of parents on holiday leaving their children on their own to go for a meal and one of the children never been seen again?

Notforgirls - for many reasons, mostly to do with a fear that the children whould wake up distressed, I would not leave small children alone in a holiday apartment, but I WOULD let them play in a back garden, without fear. I find it appalling that we have got to the stage where some parents are afraid to even let their children play in the garden!

janni,

agree if its safe - enclosed, they can't get out, no one can hide.

I hate this "the bogey man will come and get you", it is something that I would never say to my DCS.

I accept that there is a (very small) risk of abduction when a child is alone outside but I would rather sit down and speak to my DCs about strangers than rely on the bogey man.

There are ways of telling DCs that it is ok to speak to strangers, but if a stranger asks them to go with them or says anything that makes them scared or gives them a bad feeling then they should run away.

What does the bogey man actually achieve? Does it not give the DCs a fear of an unknown monster? A paedophile does not look like a monster, he looks like a normal man. How are they supposed to know that a man who looks normal is the bogey man that mummy is always warning them about?

OP
YANBU, your SIL is a loon.

"How are they supposed to know that a man who looks normal is the bogey man that mummy is always warning them about?"

Agree, that's why i say that the bogey man/lady can look nice, be friendly etc but can be bad.

Really? You talk about 'the bogey man' ??
I can't see how your children would understand that at all.

Really? You talk about 'the bogey man' ??
I can't see how your children would understand that at all.

J

Do you not?

I hate the way people bring up their DCs to be fearful of everyone they meet. A garden is a perfectly safe place for 2 five year olds.

I would never, ever use an expression like'the ogey man' if I was warning children of a real danger. I would say 'you must never go off with someone you do not know'. I would make it very grounded and real, not a fantasy expression like 'the bogey man'.

Janni,

good for you - am glad that you have superior parenting skills to me.

Sorry, didn't mean it to sound like that. I just think you have to be clear about what's real and what's not real and to me 'the bogey man' is not real.

Janni,

Prehaps you have a point. As with all good discussions I have something to take away and think about.

what an utterly bleak world it is if children are not even allowed to play and be happy in their grandmother's garden. I think it is truly fucked up to make them scared in such a situation. How can you have a happy childhood if someone is constantly whispering horrors in your ear?

Agree with Janni & Abbey, I don't want to fill my dcs with fear about meeting new ppl or to see danger lurking in every bush.

I have said to ds(4) that he should never go off with a stranger and he said, "because they might kidnap you" - I was rather taken aback by him even knowing this word. But ds has enough fears about bears hiding in his rocket when he goes to bed, without creating new ones for him.