To hate having my dp's family here?

[lauraloola]

My dp's mum lives in America and has come home today for a week to see my dd who is now 11 weeks old.

I have been dreading it. Dp and me are not getting on as it is and he has the whole week off. I just want it to be me and dd like always.

Anyway, dp's mum came here at 11am. Dd did good and cried at her and then fell asleep on me - I didnt move for 3 hours so that I had her to myself. Dp's brother and nephew turned up and walked grass all on my hoovered carpet and farted and burped thinking it was funny.

Then dp lets slip that his Aunt is coming up tomorrow probably with her dp and son.

AHHHHHHHHH. I dont like them. I used to, they are nice people but I just dont want them around my dd. I also want my house back. Why should I be the one to entertain? I love my family being round her.

Am I being unreasonable. I barely spoke today, she probably thinks I have pnd!

To make it worse, they are back for Christmas for 2 weeks - My dd's first Christmas x

lauraloola, I just wanted to say that I felt a lot like you did and I did not have PND. I was simply totally addled with hormones and not even slightly rational. As DS got more settled things got much easier.

I do very much agree that extended family and a close MIL is really of benefit to a child but what you're experiencing is nature's way of keeping your baby safe. You are driven to be protective and to keep your baby in a close circle of your family and so of course your DP's family, to you, feel alien. Logic says that your family and your DP's family should be equal but your DP isn't packed full of crazy hormones and stuff. You are. Don't assume you're definitely depressed because for me, although i did wonder on a few occasions, it was actually just postnatal muddle and I am much, much more rational a year later.

how would you feel if your dp said he hated your parents and didnt want them near hid dd?
i think you are being unfair

Of course she's not feeling OK - she's just had a baby for goodness sake! Poor girl probably hasn't slept for more than an hour or two uninterrupted for nearly three months, her partner isn't helping out and now his family have landed on here.

You would be being unreasonable in normal circumstances, but given the situation I think you are probably shattered, hormonal and dreading having to clear up after house guests for a week when you are so tired.

'landed on her' I meant.

I think that you ought to talk to your health visitor or doctor, it is early days and maybe it will sort itself out in a few months. Your DPs family are your family,they are as closely related to your DD as your parents. Just think how you would feel, in the future, if your DD has a baby and her DP says that he can't stand having her mother around!

I didn't realise she took a while to conceive - even more explicable.

oh dear - you do need to get home.

i understand where you're coming from but you need to put yourself in mil's shoes. She's come all this way to see her new grandchild and you've gone off to your parents who you see all the time.

you can probably tell i'm the mother of two little boys and already fretting about how i'll be excluded from their lifes when they're older.

in-laws are always tricksy - i found that giving mine jobs to do really helped. I let her do the ironing and then let her have cuddles but when i felt i wanted the baby back just said it was time for a feed and went upstairs for a bit of quiet time with my baby.

Perhaps your dh feel shut out by the fact that your parents (his Ils) visit EVERY day, how must that make him feel?

You need to sort something out before the situation eats away at your marriage.

I think you can easily tell those of us who are mothers of boys, traceybath! It gives me a lot of disquiet on here, because it seems so common for women to rely on their own mothers but treat MIL as a stranger!
I don't think that being hormonal is an excuse for being very unkind to other people.
You should always treat people the way you would wish to be treated -however hard.

My mother isn't closer to my DCs than my brother's DCs-they are all equally her grandchildren. She stays with my brother in the same way that she stays with me and she is equally welcome.
If you are feeling tired and hormonal I would go and have a lie down in the afternoon and leave DP and Grandma to do things with the baby-have a break.

Got a doctors appointment for today. I feel better today but I know that she is visiting other family and wont be calling round. Fingers crossed something positive comes out of my doctors visit.

ah you poor thing Lauraloola. It is a tricky adjustment and I do feel for you with regard to not wanting anyone else to hold your baby. However, I really feel for your MIL; she has travelled a long way to see her GC. I realise that you are upset (and hormonal as we all are after having kids) but your husband must be really upset too. He will want to proudly show off his DC to his Mum; your DC is his baby too. I hope that your docs appt goes well.

Well the doctor gave me a leaflet and said he would let my hv know??

Any ideas how I should handle tomorrow. I have a whole day of mil and more of dp's family. Not looking forward to it and have a feeling I am going to spend most of it in tears.

I havent told dp that I think I have pnd yet. We still arent talking.

If you're okay around your family, what about a group thing? get your mum round/take MIL round to your mum's house? Maybe even go take a bath, trusting your Mum to look after things, but knowing that she'll let MIL have a turn?

Why not sit down and have a chat with your MIL, tell her how you feel and that you are upset by it and have been to the doctor? Explain that you are trying your best and it isn't her fault. She seems quite an understanding lady as she didn't crowd you at the birth but gave you almost 3 months with your DD before visiting.

My mum wont come here when mil is here. We have told her not to stay away but I think she feels its a bit over crowded aswell.

Mil was going to wait until Xmas to see dd, it was because a friend of hers made her feel guilty that she came now!