To hate having my dp's family here?

[lauraloola]

My dp's mum lives in America and has come home today for a week to see my dd who is now 11 weeks old.

I have been dreading it. Dp and me are not getting on as it is and he has the whole week off. I just want it to be me and dd like always.

Anyway, dp's mum came here at 11am. Dd did good and cried at her and then fell asleep on me - I didnt move for 3 hours so that I had her to myself. Dp's brother and nephew turned up and walked grass all on my hoovered carpet and farted and burped thinking it was funny.

Then dp lets slip that his Aunt is coming up tomorrow probably with her dp and son.

AHHHHHHHHH. I dont like them. I used to, they are nice people but I just dont want them around my dd. I also want my house back. Why should I be the one to entertain? I love my family being round her.

Am I being unreasonable. I barely spoke today, she probably thinks I have pnd!

To make it worse, they are back for Christmas for 2 weeks - My dd's first Christmas x

Think of the plus point-she lives in America-you don't have to see her every week!

i really feel for her to be honest she lives in america her most important family are here and her grandchild you have said nothing bad about her she sounds lovely

my dp mum doesnt get to see our ds very often and i loved being able to step out the room and allow them some bonding time they wont bond if not given opportunity to

its ok to feel welded to the baby but its also very good to step away too and let others in to help

we are also very maternal like lionesses very protective and thats ok but family shouldnt feel awkward or not wanted

if your tired exscuse yourself leave dd with dp and family and lay down trust other people including dp that all will be ok if he was left alone

they tend to do things differently to how we may do them but that is perfectly ok no harm will be done parents always parent differently but as long as the end result is the same it fdoesnt matter

i really hope you can relax and see its ok for others to help and its ok to ask for help but ask nicely he maybe hasnt really known what to do you need to sit together and give him certain tasks you want him to do such as last feed or bath before bed

you dont have to do everything i know you probably really want to but let him have some responsibilities and that will give you some you time in between x

men tend to feel like spare parts as mums go on overdrive and then complain there not helping i know i did it

it wasnt until we sat down and i realised if he was doing it id be pulling him up he wasnt doing it right i dont do it like that etc realised i was undermininding him and made him not want to help as i was always there saying something

i learnt to go run a bath and leave them together and let him do it how he wanted as ds wasnt going to come to any harm

rotate each night who settled who started dinner etc then snuggle on the sofa i used to be ssshhhh you'll wake the baby and moaning alot but learnt to relax as we still had to make time for each other

Sorry, but YAB very U. She has come all the way from America and all you do is want to keep your daughter to yourself? Not only that, it sounds like you don't want anyone else, even your DP to be involved with your daughter.

You are a family, and other family members have a right to see your (and their) new baby.

YABU your parents get to see their DGC nearly everyday, but you resent her other Granny wanting to? It doesn't sound like your MIL is interfering, you said yourself she nice. Realistically how often is she going to see your DD? Nobody's asking you to entertain, just be polite.

i'm .

i wish i had an MIL to come round who was willing and able to look after the girls so DH and i could get a break.

that would be excellent!

even as babies, the ILs didn't look after them.

just came to visit.

i wouldn't be on MN if i were you.

i'd be out with my husband on our own having a blast knowing our child was in safe hands.

i can't think of anyone who has more interest in your child than a grandparent, other than the parents, of course.

YABU.

I think you are being unreasonable BUT I know exactly how you feel

My DD is now 7 months (and I am so so much better but its still about having to "try" to share her with people).

I would suggest saying that you would like christmas day to yourselves as a first christmas and then really trying to be nice to her for the rest of her day.

I keep reminding myself that MIL's must find it tough.

Today I saw an 11 month old with her mum and grandma, and even though the grandma looks after her 5 days a week it was clear that the little girl turned to "mummy" for loves & cuddles. If you are anything like me, its partly about making sure that your child loves you more, silly I know!

Sometimes I think I am more a child myself!

I swear that trying to relax about it makes everyone feel better, most importantly yourself.

Thanks Pamelat, and everyone. I think my feelings are because I want dd to love me the most - How selfish am I. I think its because we tried for so long for her.

I am going to try to relax tomorrow and let MIL have lots of cuddles - Under my secret supervision!

Dp and me just had an argument and seem to have cleared the air slightly. Maybe having a week together will do us good.

Your DD will love you the most! Love for one person doesn't take away from another -there is more than enough to go around.

my ds stayed with his nanny when he was 3 mths old for few days again when he was yr so me and dp could have some us time as we have changed so much for who we were we take life so seriously now and i think i forgot how to have fun

my ds is such a mummys boy he was always passed round at family do's i always had time to myself as i let others have quality time even now at 3.3 theres no love as a mothers love or a fathers when it comes to there child

they will have many people in there life and a lot of love going round but you have to allow others to show her that love as its important she bond with the family

my nephew was kept at bay from everyone as my sis was so protective and sadly no one as much as we love him had an opportunity to really bond so alot of children are favoured over him as terrible as it sounds no one loves him less just never had chance to bond from young age

all the other children have special memories with said members of the family and he hasnt as he was never given the chance

all im saying is at the end of the day after everyone has there cuddles and shown love its you that will be cuddling her to sleep kisseing her rose bud lips but your allowing her to feel loved and special by all her family which is the greatest gift she should be special to everyone

have 5 mins to yourself with dp and clear the air and start again its ok to feel anxious but children dont stop loving there parents because someone else cuddled her and she will love you and your dp the same as your her parents he waited along time also

Super post bubblagirl.

Totally unreasonable but totally understandable and I predict you will feel very different this time next year. 11 weeks in I was still a demented mess of hormones and wildly protective over DS, so much so that I would feel terrible (angry almost) whenever anyone who wasn't DP or my own close (very close) family touched him. In fact, I think I posted something similar to your OP

It was crap because I was in hospital for 48 hours after the birth (a section) and then when I got home DP's family were staying in our house and stayed for a week. The help was ace but TBH I really hated not having personal space to adjust as a family. I found the whole having-a-first-baby thing very emotionally exhausting, as most mums probably do, and felt very unstable/moody/disoriented/confused. Having to be a hostess while I could barely walk and I had a jaundiced baby who wanted to sleep when he should have been feeding was horrible, and I really just wanted to curl up on the sofa with my baby and lock everyone else out.

11 weeks in was much the same except by then he had colic and I was around 50x more tired

It's all hormones but it's really shitty and I can completely understand your feelings. You know they're unreasonable though, so just try as hard as you can to be gracious and accepting and the preciousness slowly wears off. Your MIL might even be surprisingly understanding (as mine was a year down the line when I apologised )

If your dd loves her grandparents it doesn't mean she will love you less. Its like when you have another baby, you don't remove love from your PFB and give it to the new baby. Her life will be enriched by having a loving family who she is close to. It will become obvious to your dp that your mother is treated so much better than his mother. I love my dh but I wouldn't tolerate him being mean to my mother. Think how you will feel if your dd has children and you are not allowed to have a relationship with them because her husband will only let his family see them.

Today I am going to be nicer. Thanks everyone, mn is great for things like this. If I hadnt posted it I would have been the bitch from hell all week!

She is out at the mo and then Im going to my parents for lunch. MIL will have first cuddle when I get home though.

Ps Dd slept through the whole night last night!!! Hopefully me not being so tired will also help x

hooray excellent maybe once she starts sleeping you can think more rationally and begin to be you again will give you and dp more snuggly time together

Its no good. I tried but I cant do it.

Me and dp had a massive row last night and I ended up telling him I hate his mum. We are now not talking.

I do now believe I may have PND. Trouble is, I dont think dp will believe me.

I have been out all day today and am trying to stay out as long as I can with dd to avoid them.

It is not fair on the grandmother that you are keeping the child away as if it were a possession of yours. Couldy ou leave it with her for 2 hours once you've breastfed it and then go out for a couple of hours yourself without it tomorrow for example? Are yo back at work yet? That might help.

Oh Xenia, you are so predictable!

Her baby is 11 weeks old.

Get a life!

I'd been back for 9 weeks by then and it does stop this feeling of I am the only person who can see to the needs of this child feeling etc. so it might be the resolution of her problems.

Wow, you are, Like, superwoman @ Xenia

oh no Could you book an appointment with your gp or the health visitor for tomorrow morning
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}
try and stay strong until she goes (is it Friday?)

Your dp's relatives are just as related to your baby as your relatives are and should be treated the same way. Your relatives aren't more important. This baby is as much your dp's as it is yours. You need to remember that. This is 50% his baby. Don't shove him and his relatives to one side. You sound like you need some help because you do not sound at all rational. I would advise you to go to gp asap, or phone nhs direct or something, because I think you should be reviewed for poss pnd.

You should encourage the relationship between MiL and DD.

My MiL is besotted with my DS2 (he is her first GC) and the first thing I do when I see her looking at him is say 'I think Nanny wants a cuddle' and pass him over. MiLs can be fabulous tools to utilise or the biggest thorn in your side ever.

Days like this are what will determine your long-term relationship.

Believe me it's great when you get to a point that you know your MiL would never say No to you and would bend over backwards to help, much much better than the Dragon That Sticks Her Nose In, MUCH BETTER.

As for christmas, when I got with DP (I already had 2 DCs) I knew his Mum would hate that he was going to be 'missing' on Xmas day, and I like Xmas day to be me, DP & DCs so I suggested starting a new 'tradition' of Xmas breakfast.
We go to MiL's, kids in PJ's, straight after we have opened the stockings and have breakfast there, she gets to do a big spread still and see us all, we exchange presents and the such and then we are back home by midday to do our own Xmas, open the presents, eat dinner, play games etc works a treat. Could you suggest something like that??

I know, I feel really awful about how I am treating them but I just cant help it.

I am at my mums now and am more then happy for them to fuss over dd and do things with her. I am dreading go home as I am sure mil will be there. I just dont want her near dd.

It is the weirdest feeling. I was good yesterday but today I am back to how I was. I was in tears all morning but as soon as I am with my family I am fine.

She cooked for everyone yesterday and just left all of the washing up. I have to have a whole day of her and other members of their family on Wednesday and I am dreading it. I am dreading the thought of going home now.

I really think you need to talk to your hv.

and btw - your FAMILY is your dp and your child.

Everyone else --- relatives

And again - the father's relatives are just as important as the mother's relatives.

Please talk to your hv.