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Original poster

To be dissapointed that dh didn't put more thought into my birthday

46 replies

lotuseener · 20/08/2008 11:27

Today is my 32nd birthday. Dh isn't the most thoughtful or romantic guy when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

We've been working on a fitness program for me to get in shape so we can start trying for dc2 in Jan. I asked for new headphones for my Ipod a few weeks ago as the ones I have are too big for my ears and constantly fall out at the gym.

When he gave me my gift this morning, no headphones. Oh well, as we live in the town centre I can pop to Argos and buy some myself. I would have done that anyway, but dh was complaining that he didn't have any ideas on what to do for my birthday I'd really like some new headphones.

My gift was a cheap bottle of perfume that he purchased from the University's small ads website. He is a PhD student and small ads is a website for people studying or working at the University to sell things new or used.Which means it was probably a gift that some woman got and didn't want so she sold it on small ads to make a few quid.

And the card he gave me probably came from the campus gift shop. It was some attempt at humour about a woman aging and putting too much lipstick on. ha ha ha.

To top it off he stayed home with ds all weekend while I worked and then took Monday off from the lab to watch the Olympics. I'd think in that time he could have popped up the road into town and put some effort into my birthday, even if it meant getting a nice card and writing something kind in it.

All of my family is in the US so I get a bit homesick and sad at birthdays and holidays because we have no family or close friends around us either.

And no, it's not about me not getting headphones, or an expensive gift for that matter. It is about wanting dh to make an effort 1x a year to show me that he loves me and values me. 3 years of marriage and I am still waiting.....

OP posts:
NigellaTheOriginal · 20/08/2008 11:33

Happy Birthday though.
my DH constantly disappoints me in the birthday present department. i drop hints, i tell him what i'd like then have to feign enthusiasm when he gets something very different and a bit rubbish. although it is nice that he uses his initiative and does get me something i suppose. I always wonder if he knows me at all.
a few years ago when we were rather more well off than we are now he dropped hints about getting me something expensive - we were after a second car so i thought he had got me one (just a banger but it would have been nice) then he turned up with a bike (!!!). I don't do bikes. but i had to ride it up and down the street smiling, then put it in the shed.
it is my birthday tomorrow (fellow leo) we'll see what he turns up with.

VinegarTits · 20/08/2008 11:35

YANBU men are thoughtless beggers at times

claudiaschiffer · 20/08/2008 11:39

Oh you poor darling YANBU at all, men eh?! They are useless creatures sometimes .

But tbh he probably wasn't being mean just thoughtless. I guess you can go two ways on this one . .

Scenario a . . . Make a HUGE scene, throw the crappy perfume and card at him and let him know , in no uncertain terms that this is NOT good enough. He will get the message but will also be miserable, and so will you.

Scenario b . . . Make light of it, be your gorgeous self but let him know that a teeny bit more thought in the future will result in a happy you - work in the fact that you are coping with children away from parents/home country and that some kindness from your husband would be a wonderful thing. Result . .. he will feel guilty and probably manipulated but he may appreciate you a bit more in the future.

If he doesn't then resort to plan A.

Good luck x

claudiaschiffer · 20/08/2008 11:41

Sorry I meant to add, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

MamaG · 20/08/2008 11:41

The thing is , some men just are crap at birthdays. They just ARE. You know your DH is so you need to tell him, before your birthday, "I would like A B or C and a small surprise from you"

You know he's crap, he isn't going to just suddenly appear with a diamond ring

Happy birthday though

chapstickchick · 20/08/2008 11:42

happy birthday !!!

it was my bday on the 7th my dh bought me

a bottle of shampoo nd conditioner#
a tin of hairspray
2 books that are not my thing

we had a huge row and he dragged it on for days he spoilt my birthday nd next year i will not be celebrting my birthday,

men can be such nobs

loler · 20/08/2008 11:48

I got neither a present or a card this year! Have bided (not sure how to spell that!)my time though and have just bought myself a very lovely necklace. We went to a wedding on my bday so it was like going to someone elses party too!

DH is absolutely rubbish at presents - he once was very pleased with himself by buying a suprise for me. Was very exciting - it was a foot pump! Apparently I needed one.

The only time he has been successful was christmas after ds1 was born - I got an eternity ring - think it was called an eternity ring as it is all my presents for eternity!

I'm trying to decided what to do for his birthday next month - feel like being really petty and doing nothing for him. I supose just have to accept that is the way they are and they aren't going to change!

Have a very happy rest of your birthday - let him put dc to bed while you have a relaxing bath with wine and good book!

TheHedgeWitch · 20/08/2008 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cthea · 20/08/2008 11:52

I think he put quite a bit of thought into it, though. If he'd got you the headphones there would have been none of his initiative in it. That would have been the easier option. He could have spent 2 hours in a card shop reading every single one of them for which one was best for you. I'd have seen it as wasting 2 hours for a card company rather than for you IYSWIM. I think he did quite well.

VinegarTits · 20/08/2008 11:52

Oh yes, i meant to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY too!!

Jahan · 20/08/2008 11:54

I think men are rubbish because they don't expect much themselves. Would your dh be upset if you put no effort into his birthday? Mostly, they couldn't care less so don't get that we do.

I gave up with dh and now I insist on being taken out for a meal (with kids for an early dinner if need be) on occasions instead of expecting a gift.

Jahan · 20/08/2008 11:54

Happy birthday btw

Tclanger · 20/08/2008 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claudiaschiffer · 20/08/2008 11:59

I really think Tclanger has the answer. Very unromantic I know and we would all like our DHs to be more romantic/thoughtful etc but I, at least, have to face the fact that i married the wrong kind of man for that sort of thing.

He is terribly good at chopping wood tho, so there's a comfort.

Next year buy yourself something lovely it will take the pressure off him so he will be grateful. Then get him to have the kids for a while so you and your friends can go out and have a screaming good night out.

whispywhisp · 20/08/2008 12:02

Firstly...Happy Birthday xxx

Secondly...men are crap at birthdays. Mine definitely is. It was my 40th in February this year. Been married for just over 14yrs etc etc. I rec'd the following....

Bronnley talc
Bronnley soap
Bronnely bubble bath

All he bought from a local chemist, all had an inch of dust on them and all in lavendar. I asked him if he'd managed to get me some new velcro-with-bauble-on-top slippers to go with the talc, soap and bubbles and was my Zimmer due to be delivered at some point too? He could not see where I was coming from but was very quick to say that DD1 suggested he bought the Bronnley.

I had some balloons put out on our front fence, which by the time I looked outside most had popped and a banner put across the bonnet of my car.

In years gone by I have had a rolling pin, hot water bottle, chopping board, tea/coffee/sugar storage jars and the odd box of chocolates.

I've even had a bouquet of flowers delivered...and when I've rung him to thank him he's asked if I'll pop down to the florist and pay the bill!

...anyway Happy Birthday to you lotuseener....Hope you have a lovely day. xxx

muddleduck · 20/08/2008 12:04

This might make you feel better.

My birthday is next month and I have mentioned repeatedly 3 things that I really want. Then I mention to him that the plumber is coming round to quote for installing a water softner and he gives me this gutted look and says "I was going to get you that for your birthday!"

ffs. A WATER SOFTENER!!!!

his response: "well I knew you wanted one!"

I give up.

nickytwotimes · 20/08/2008 12:07

I don't think it's an exclusively male thing though.
I'm shite at birthdays and anniversaries, unless it's for a kid.
Sorry that you feel hurt and disappointed - I do understand.

snowleopard · 20/08/2008 12:11

aww, happy birthday lotus.

I'm stunned by how often I read on here about people whose DHs/DPs don't get them anything on their birthday or even acknowledge it at all. So at least he tried... very hopelessly.

I would come out with it next year - just say, I would love XXXX for my birthday, please will you get that for me? Or suggest you go shopping together so you can choose something you like.

Furball · 20/08/2008 12:12

i do understand where you are comming from especially when you specifically said headphones.

we don't bother with birthday pressies unless it's a biggy. If there is something we specifically want and it's birthday time of year we pipe up, is it ok if I buy xxx from you for my birthday, but we don't dwell on what we should of got or the effort put in. It's so easy, no pressure to buy the best or original present ever, I highly recommend it.

Don't even get me started on christmas! I buy all my own stocking, but then in all fairness I get exactly what I wanted.

I've 'got over it' now after 11 years and wouldn't want to go back.

anyway

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

go and make yourself a delicous cake and cut an extra large slice just for you

zippitippitoes · 20/08/2008 12:13

happy birthday!

well at least you did get something

i think scientists are possibly worse

Beelliesebub · 20/08/2008 12:20

Happy Birthday!

Look on the bright side, he could've been like my ex. He never got me any cards for any occasion because he'd decided that they were a waste of money and as for presents, he'd draw me some money out of the bank and I could buy myself something.........

Notice I said ex!

legalalien · 20/08/2008 12:26

I think a lot of it has to do with how you experienced birthdays/ xmases etc as a child. In our house, there wasn't much money to spend but a lot of emphasis on the thought / effort / wrapping / making sure there were lots of small things to try and guess at / unwrap. DH's family are much bigger on the "get a voucher, the person can then choose what they want" approach. Causing us to be hopelessly mismatched:

DH: what would you like for you birthday

me: : oh, I don't know, you have to choose it

DH: but I don't know what you want.....

etc

(I got flowers on my birthday (no gift) but gather from DH that he is still researching (the week after my birthday, it seems that the actual date isn't that important either . I have indoctrinated DS though - he was so shocked that I didn't have a present, he gave me one of his plastic animals and announced that I could keep it forever)

lojoesmammy · 20/08/2008 12:31

One valentines day, I gave dh his card and he said thankyou. His card had the words: To G, Love You ? He gave me my card some time later ... Same card, he had just crossed out the G and changed it for an S. I was not impressed, but then he has not brought me a card or present for Xmas, birthday, Valentines day for 16 out of the last 17 years that we have been together.

jelliebelly · 20/08/2008 12:40

Happy Birthday

Afraid to say that many men are just like this - you probably knew that when you married him though. You won't change him now - afraid you just have to live with it and make sure that you put the same amount of effort into his birthday - he might get the message eventually.

jelliebelly · 20/08/2008 12:41

Happy Birthday

Afraid to say that many men are just like this - you probably knew that when you married him though. You won't change him now - afraid you just have to live with it and make sure that you put the same amount of effort into his birthday - he might get the message eventually.