To be dissapointed that dh didn't put more thought into my birthday

[lotuseener]

Today is my 32nd birthday. Dh isn't the most thoughtful or romantic guy when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

We've been working on a fitness program for me to get in shape so we can start trying for dc2 in Jan. I asked for new headphones for my Ipod a few weeks ago as the ones I have are too big for my ears and constantly fall out at the gym.

When he gave me my gift this morning, no headphones. Oh well, as we live in the town centre I can pop to Argos and buy some myself. I would have done that anyway, but dh was complaining that he didn't have any ideas on what to do for my birthday I'd really like some new headphones.

My gift was a cheap bottle of perfume that he purchased from the University's small ads website. He is a PhD student and small ads is a website for people studying or working at the University to sell things new or used.Which means it was probably a gift that some woman got and didn't want so she sold it on small ads to make a few quid.

And the card he gave me probably came from the campus gift shop. It was some attempt at humour about a woman aging and putting too much lipstick on. ha ha ha.

To top it off he stayed home with ds all weekend while I worked and then took Monday off from the lab to watch the Olympics. I'd think in that time he could have popped up the road into town and put some effort into my birthday, even if it meant getting a nice card and writing something kind in it.

All of my family is in the US so I get a bit homesick and sad at birthdays and holidays because we have no family or close friends around us either.

And no, it's not about me not getting headphones, or an expensive gift for that matter. It is about wanting dh to make an effort 1x a year to show me that he loves me and values me. 3 years of marriage and I am still waiting.....

Oh dear, depressing thread. Perhaps you could sit down with him and explain, but very gently and tactfully, that for you and a lot of women, putting thought into birthday presents etc equates with how much they love you. It's not about cost, so much as thought.

I think a lot of men just don't see gifts and cards the way we do. My DP used to get very anxious about gift buying, to the extent that he used to rather not get anything than get the wrong thing. I gave him HEAPS of encouragement, made a huge fuss about anything he managed to get, and then a huger praising fuss about things I actually liked, and gave him such a glow of pleasure than he's actually good now. I had a pair of Christian Louboutins for Christmas, so he has surpassed himself for years to come.

YANBU

Men use the "I can't do it coz I'm a man" excuse for no other reason that pure laziness.

He asked you what you wanted. You told him. He couldn't be bothered to get it.

The only way to cure this is to do the exact same thing to him every bday and xmas till he gets the message.

Ask him what he wants, then get him something else. He'll soon learn honestly.

YANBU

happy birthday fellow leo!

it is thoughtless and upsetting.ladythompson makes good sense though.

make sure you get some time off later. and if you do try and tackle him about it perhaps you should wait till tomorrow - you dont want to spoil the day even more.

What gets me is that DH knows its my birthday for 364 days prior to the actual day. I can leave corners down on the Argos book with asterisks next to bits I'd like, a row of empty vases lined up in the kitchen, drop hints with the kids or a list of books I'd like to read stuck to the fridge and I still end up with Bronnley soap and talc.

He's always been useless with birthdays and christmas. He's the same when it comes to cooking a meal from scratch...he'll look in the fridge and shut the door and he'll say .. 'I don't know what to cook because I don't know what you like'..!!!! WHAT? This is the man I've lived with for almost 18yrs, cooked his meals for almost 18yrs and he doesn't know what I like? OMG. Needless to say I do the majority of the meals in this house unless of course I want raw boiled eggs - ie he times the 3 minutes from when he drops the egg in the cold water, pre-boiling or burnt toast.

Whispywhisp your posts have just made me laugh out loud, thank you

I get flowers though.... but they're always carnations...

Why do we accept the 'men are crap' thing? it's bollocks. total bollocks.

Men are capable of holding down jobs, having social lives, getting an education, driving....they can do anything they want to do and that is important to them. Men can learn new skills and do, throughout their entire lives. They can take in information and understand it. They have memories.

So why do we act like men are incapable? That they have some physical condition that is totally beyond their control. It's total CRAP!!! Some men just can't be bothered and we pretend that the fact someone has a penis means they can't be considerate or thoughtful (oh well, he's a man) because it is less hurtful to us than the truth, which is some men don't care enough about our feelings to make the effort. If it doesn't matter to them then it doesn't matter Full Stop. It's SHIT.

I dont have a husband to buy me presents of any shape or variety...my husband died seven years ago...

I had a birthday disappointment this year. The day before my birthday DH went to town with the ds's but without me. They had some task to do, I forget what. Aha, I thought, he's helping them get me a present. I'd better not say anything as that will spoil the surprise! Less than an hour later they are back. Oh dear, I think, but don't say anything. My birthday dawns and no presents from dss, not even cards from them...
I was really upset as I am banking on dh to train them about how important remembering birthdays is!

Actually I was mostly upset because my dad also forgot my birthday - my mum died 2 years ago and it just really brings it home to me, and makes me really angry that he can't manage to remember in her absence. I cannot bear the thought that my sons will be similarly useless. I think dh understands now though

He did make an effort, he bought you a card and a present. YAB both unreasonable and ungrateful...imo hope you had a nice bday anyway

Dump the perfume in a dark corner of a cupboard, buy yourself the headphones and forget about it.
Is it worth asking to be taken out somewhere for your birthday if your DH is crap at presents? We normally do this and it works quite well. I get to steer the choice of restaurant etc, and because DH gets to "join in", he seems a bit more enthusiastic. He is not a confident gift-giver but I am partly to blame for that, after I failed to disguise my disappointment at one particular, memorable gift and upset him.

If ever anyone asked my Dad 'how old are your kids?'....he'd sit there and count on his fingers, um and arr, and then go and get a calculator. Most of the time he was about 3/4 years out on each of us. As for birthdays he would never remember them and would often be prompted by my Mum to say Happy Birthday to any of us. Bless him. He died 3yrs ago.

But anyway...yes DH is 'crap'. Always has been and with all the years that have gone by I doubt he'll ever change. If he did I'd probably be that shocked I'd fall over.

migola...I'm glad I've made you smile today!

happy birthday!

Let me make you feel a little better.. I met my dh in the May and it was his bday in the sept- I bought him ferrari racing experience and then stood in the cold ooohhing and ahhhing at him for 5 yes 5 hours! We then got engaged in the oct and people bought us some vouchers. One was for the pier and I thought we could get some nice cushions, he didn't and we have a little arguement which resulted in no cushion. I soon forgot about those vouchers and my bday came round in the April... after the sparkler I got for my engagement and the sheer wonderfulness of his bday present prior I thought I was in for a treat.. instead... he bought me a cocktail tumbler and two glasses from the PIER with the bloody gift voucher!!!!! his excuse was that I liked coicktails- yes at TGIs and if that was the case surely I would have liked some booze too...! My husband is an accountant- see the link.. still married him though -

Just wanted to say, Lottie, that my husband died as well - DP is someone I met later on. I know how rotten birthdays can be when you are missing someone very special, and so I am thinking of you. Food for thought, people!

Thanks for that, my husbands last two birthday presents were a book of Joyce Grenfell poems and a camera both of which are of course very precious... i didnt mean to feel sorry for myself really just to make people realise that they are lucky to have dh/dp's!!

my partner got it right once....tickets to see robbie williams! my best pressie ever. he sent me a picture message halfway through my day....a pic of the tickets.....i was literally running round the room. i had thought up to then i'd only got a card from him.

thing is,i love practiacal gifts. i wanted a bird feeder one year......wooden thing that stands in garden you put seeds etc on.....he got me jewellery instead,and next vouchers!! i'd love a new toolbox,or a sander maybe...

I agree with training them. My dh just isn't interested in receiving presents, hence it doesn't occur to him that anyone else is. I've had to teach him that its the thought that's important, rather than the present per se. If I did the 'never get him anything then he'll learn' then i'd just never get anything.
He actually remembered our anniversary this year, and I got some foot cream (can't reach feet - am 35 wks pg!), some shower gel (nice) and some tinted moisturiser. Not a bad haul, he hasn't got a clue what tinted moisturiser is though, but what is lovely is that he left work early to go to Morrisons (MORRISONS?!!!!) and choose me something, and told me how difficult it was coz he knows I like 'products' but doesn't know which ones to get and finds the choice is overwhelming. For that he gets massive brownie points for having learnt to put time and thought in, even if the end result isn't that spectacular (anyone out there like tinted moisturiser?!). So they can be trained I tell you!!