To want more information before i attempt to form an opinion on WOHMs/SAHMs?

[GodzyGoesBananas]

My only experiences of WOHMs are negative ones. I am going to call them Cases as i don't want to disclose who they are to me.

Case 1: WOHM since late teens, seperated from DDs father due to violence, left DD at home alone or with a friend for fairly long periods. DD now an adult has VERY close (too close some might say!) relationship with her mum, but some serious mental baggage including security issues.

Case 2: WOHM who had severe PND and went back to work when LO was a toddler. Is upset because her LO seems more attatched to carers than to her. Issues with discipline arising (from what i can tell) from inconsistency/discrepancies between childminder/nursery/home.

Case 3: WOHM who feels forced into work because financialy they can't afford to pay the rent if she doesn't (although theoretically the family could make cut-backs, but don't want to), but struggles to pay for the childcare during holidays. Also disciplinary issues, but i think mostly from parenting style rather than anything else.

Case 2 and 3 when they talk to me often gripe about not seeing their children enough and them being more attatched to the carer. they always seem exhausted and they hardly see their partner (resulting in a split for one of them).

Please can someone enlighten me to how it can go well - how the heck does anyone manage their home, relationship and have a bond with their child(ren) whilst working full time? Do all children of working parents behave so badly even up to the teenage years? Do you have any time to yourself?

If your so fed up of these discussions on MN then why the feck have you started another one? its only gonna go down the same road, round in cirles and kick off, people will never agree to disagree on this issue it is just too controversal which is why you get stupid trolls like the last one starting these threads because they know where it will lead! and before you jump on me i am not saying you are a troll but this post is going to kick off again.

Also why should i have to enlighten you to how well i manage my life and bond with my children just because i am a wohm? and who said children of working parents behave badly? mine are the most well behaved children you will ever meet, and thats not because i wohm, it is because i am a good parent.

I work 4 days a week. dd has been looked after by a combination of nursery and nannies since she was 10 months, as has ds. I think, by and large, they are rather well behaved and we are very close. And my relationship with dh is fine. And the house is ok. I have time to myself - on the way to and from work, in the evening when they are asleep, and from time to time when my parents or dh look after them. I think your experience of WOHMs sounds very unbalanced to me. Do you really only know 3 of them? Doesn't sound like a big enough sample to draw conclusions.

That is an option i didn't include, but i wouldn't know how to go about anyway!

Please feel free to keep your current opinion. I can't say I'm over fussed one way or the other TBH.

GGB, how old is/are your DC(s)? Are you worried about behaviour degeneration? Because I would think (I don't know) that if you carry on being the same mum as you are now, then there shouldn't be a huge amount of difference in their attitudes to you.

In reality it is all about how you manage your own situation and tbh if you have 3 negative examples to look at, then you can look to see the pitfalls and avoid them. But if you are really worried then perhaps part time work would be better to start with, no?

Sorry if that's not much help, I am trying to answer with a level of usefulness.

if God had wanted me to look after my kids 24/7 he wouldn't have invented Whatley Manor.

Snickersnack - that's why i am asking on here. I am a quite shy person and don't know many people full stop!

Bowddee - but my (not so current) opinion is clearly wrong, as you yourself have pointed out! I don't like being wrong.

My mum was a quite strict disciplinarian and i mainly have her styles to go by for myself unfortunately, but i am being alot more relaxed as time goes on. I just wonder now if i am putting too much stock in the idea that 'mum knows best' and that a parent should be available all the time.

I started a new thread because i am not saying WOH is bad - just would like more info! Why is it bad to ask other people's opinions for that? I can't know what i haven't experienced otherwise, surely?

thumbwitch - 11 yos and 20 month old.

Back tomorrow (hopefully).

I hope you get some more positive input rather than just sniping - sorry I can't be any more help to you.

I should imagine your 11 yo won't really cause you any problem, so it's just your 20mo that is worrying you - again, best thing is probably to start part time and see how it goes. Good luck!

Right sorry for jumping on you, i am still on the defensive from the other thread. I think i manage well as wohm because i have a routine that i stick to, my dc are happy and secure because i am happy and secure, i always try to think positively and make the best of a bad situation, i am lucky that my ds1(now 18) has turned out to be a lovely young man and was never badly behaved, considering he grew up on a council estate and we were very poor, he could have gone down the wrong raod but he didnt and i like to think that is because i am a good parent. My ds2(2.1) goes to nursey full time, he is a creature of habit, as long as i stick to his routine he is happy, he is very well behaved and a little bit of a mummys boy, my house is not always tidy but it is clean and homely, i do get time to myself when ds2 goes to stay with his grandparents one day a week, i have a very strong bond with both my boys, they are happy, secure and loved. HTH

I can't speak from the mother side yet, DS due to start 3 days with childminder next week. But from child point of view. I don't remember if I went to nursery, childminder etc. but I must have, as mum worked, so it can't have been a bad experience. I know I went to kindergarten, but also have no memory of being there.

I DO remember being a latchkey kid from an early age, although remember mum picking me up from school a few times, so must have had flexi time. I remember having to start dinner, get washing in, do jobs if we were in before our parents. I resent that side of it, didn't feel I should have to do ADULT chores such as those as a pre-teen. Also never remember mum coming to a sports day, swimming day etc., which is disappointing to me.

Overall I seem to be fairly normal so can't say it's a been a bad thing for me.

I will be working 3 days a week, and appreciate that we are in a good position so that I don't have to work at all, let alone FT. One thing I will try to do is be there for DSs' school activities as a supporting parent, that's important to me. I have been off work for 15mths and it's a little boring for me, so I'm hoping the 3day work /4day at home split will spur me on to engage more with DS on my off days. I do find the busier I am the more I can do. If that makes sense. Whereas if I am drifting about, no real plans, the days just get wasted.

It's about finding the balance that is right for you and your family. What is right for someone else, won't necessarily be for you. But it obviously does work for a large proportion of people, it's probably about how you do spend the time with your kids when you are off work. Talking with them, helping with homework, taking them on days out. I'd say give it a go, see how you find it, and reasses in 6mths, if you or the kids aren't adjusting/liking it, there's nothing to stop you becoming a SAHM again. But you won't know until you try.

Oh god another troll. S'all we need.

Right, let's deal with the questions

Please can someone enlighten me to how it can go well. YOU CLEARLY DON'T KNOW MANY WOHMS BECAUSE ALL OF THE WOHMS OF MY ACQUAINTANCE THINK IT GOES WELL

• how the heck does anyone manage their home, relationship and have a bond with their child(ren) whilst working full time? TRY BEING ORGANISED. IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE. MOST OF THE TIME IT'S NOT EVEN DIFFICULT

Do all children of working parents behave so badly even up to the teenage years? MINE BEHAVE REALLY WELL. YOU ARE TALKING COMPLETE BOLLOCKS. UNNECESSARILY RUDE BOLLOCKS IN FACT

Do you have any time to yourself? OH YES

Everyone comments on how well-behaved my children are and what lovely manners they have. They are 12, 9, 3 and 3 months. (Obviously no-one comments on the manners of the 3 month old!) I worked FT till I had ds3, then 4 days per week
One nursery provide bad food, the 2 others provided excellent food. 80% of the time there will be a healthy meal cooked from scratch in the evenings, the other 20% there will be convenience foods. However, my SIL is a SAHM and my children eat more healthily than hers.
The nursery check homework but dh or I check it again once we are home.
We don't have a cleaner, the house could be better but I prefer not to have a cleaner and we just accept there will be inevitable mess.
I have virtually no time to myself, neither does dh but so long as the children are happy and healthy, we accept that for a few years things will be chaotic for us.

Oh and if there is a school cake sale, I always manage to bake something nice!

What's with the misogynistic OPs lately? Let me save some time - last time I checked I was rocking 2 X chromosomes so yes, I am guilty of whatever you choose to charge me with.

Did that answer your question OP? Now off you fuck!

I would be marginally more inclined to post seriously if I thought this were a genuine query rather than another stick to beat women with.

I am a WOHM. I work nights and weekends so my DD is cared for by DH when I am at work. DD does now go to nursery 2 mornings a week, but that is because I think this suits her personality and does her the world of good. She loves it. Her going to nursery has nothing to do with my work. So where do I fit in on your opinion? I must be really awful if I send her somewhere where she adores her carers when I don't even work at that time In fact that is where she is right now and I am MNing better go set up a therapists saving account.

Message withdrawn

Thank you those of you who have provided positive and encouraging answers.

To those of you who screamed 'Troll', well sorry to disappoint but you won't find any WOHM bashing here, that was the point. If i were to write a troll thread it would probably be to highlight that a large (handful?) proportion of MNers seem to be all too ready to try to persuade other people how right their view is when the OP is clearly un-budgable (is that a word?), but when someone begins by simply asking about their views they can't believe it's true and start inventing things the OP has said whichhaven't even happened

How unbelievably hypocritical. Lucky i know a lot of lovely MNers so i don't tar most of you with the same brush.

ft wohm here

not experienced anything you mjentioned in OP

have a greatt childminder, DCs love her but not more than me or their Dad

most mothers i know wohm and have no real probs

like you mentioned i think mosr behaviour issues are probably down to parenting style in the majority of cases

i think to enjoy being a wohm it has to be something you do out of choice and not necessity, same goes for being sahm and for most things in life tbh

hoping you manage to find some answers

apologies for typos, feeding ds

and for the record GGB
is definitely not a troll

I've been a WOHM, full-time since dds were 4 and 6 months old.

They're now happy, well-adjusted and independent teenagers and people frequently comment on how well-behaved they are. One recent comment was that they're a credit to me.

We worked hard to get the best possible childcare available and I think that makes a difference - when dd2 expressed unhappiness with one CM we moved her to someone else.

They both speak fondly about their time in daycare and later with one CM in particular. We also had a brilliant nanny when I went back after dd2.

We've also worked hard to to lots of things together as a family - mainly outdoor activities and music.

Staying at home when they were very small would have frustrated me - much as I love the children. I have an interesting, well-paid career and enjoy the mental stimulation.

The dds also enjoy the lifestyle our income gives us...I've asked them about this, and they say they prefer me to work and continue to live the way we do - of course they don't know any different.

Sometimes it's exhausting, but someone gave me very good advice when they were small about making sure you look after yourself physically and mentally if you're trying to do two jobs (which parenting and a career are).

And we're lucky that dh and I have natural stamina, which the dds seem to have inherited.

Case 1: Violent father
Case 2: Severe PND
Case 3: Unhappy with financial difficulties

Godzy, that is what I see when I read your Cases, yet you seem to think that all this is linked to WOHM. Are you looking for a convenient scapegoat which validates your life choice, because if so, it sounds like you are blinkered. Best to tell your friends not to confide in you because their letting off steam is just giving you grist for your judgment mill.

Children and teenagers are a law unto themselves. I work pt and there are ups and downs, just like with children of SAHMs. Be very afraid.

Hmmm... tricky one. Let's see...

I work part-time.

My children are bloody awful part-time. Hey! Light bulb moment ! You may be on to something there OP.

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Archive search. for the information you require.

Try not to form an opinion while you are at it and live and let live.

If you can.

I wanna know what "too close" for a mother/daughter relationship entails!!