AIBU to not want my MIL to come and stay with me just after the baby is born?

[Boobz]

I'm sure I will get lots of yes YABUs, but I just can't help feeling the way I do.

My husband's parents are really lovely, but I find them quite difficult to be around, especially when my hubby's not there with me for moral support. They are both ever so posh and worried all the time about the social ettiquete of how one must go about things, and get really upset and work themselve up into a frenzy about all sorts of things which I wouldn't even bat an eyelid at. We were at their house this weekend to make the pregnancy annoucement, and I try to give FIL the picture of the scan, and he bats it away as if I've tried to show him a picture of my fanjo... and all the while saying "Oh gosh, I don't want to see that! It's probably just a picture of your epiglottis, you can't see anything anyway!"... and then MIL starts telling me that I shouldn't talk about birth (what I'm planning - home birth) or to anyone else about their birth (was planning on asking hubby's aunt about it as she had all 4 of her kids at home) and MIL shrieks "you can't speak to anyone about birth - it's just not the done thing and it's very private and very messy". She also then goes on to tick me off for eating a curry the night before because everyone knows you harm the baby if you eat curries whilst pregnant.

Later in the weekend, FIL refers to my reading material (active birth books) as "Those AWFUL books you've been reading"...

Finally, I mention that my mum is coming to stay with me for a few days after the baby is born and hubby has gone back to work and MIL announces "of course I will come as soon as she has left, to take the baton" and I am mortified at the idea! If my mum does anything to annoy me, I can tell her to bugger off, and I can be hormonal and make mistakes and cry in front of her or whatever, but I could never do any of those things with MIL, who would just make me nervous all the time that I wasn't doing it right, or that I wasn't allowed to talk about the birth I had just gone through because it's not the done thing etc etc.

I just feel totally uncomfortable around both MIL and FIL all the time and I really don't want to have to feel that way when I've just had a baby. Am more than happy to travel to their house with baby and stay there and do all the gran-parently things, but am I obliged to let her come and stay with me on my own when hubby has gone back to work? Do other people have both mum and MIL come to stay?

Husband knows how I feel and says it's only fair that if my mum comes then his mum does too... so the only way I can get out of his mum coming is if I tell my own mum she can't come and stay.

Ready for it.....

Oh and no hubby bashing posts! I think he might come on here when I am not looking and I have already had a 2 rows with him about this!

He also said he wants to find a Dadsnet, so get the other side of the story...

My in-laws are also lovely but golly i just couldn't cope with them post-partum.

First time round they came but stayed in a hotel as house tiny and mil told everyone how she'd found a malteser under my sofa. Funnily enough i wasn't hoovering under sofa at 9 months pregnant!

Second time they were invaluable - again stayed in hotel but helped with my 3 year old as new baby was in NICU for a week. However although i was really grateful i was also hormonal and worried about poorly new baby and found it hard when i'd walk through the door to be greeted with very eager and chatty granny.

Also i'd get irrationally irritated by the way she folded things - mad i know!

Is there anyway they could stay nearby and not actually with you?

One final thing re breastfeeding. To be honest i was quite happy to pop upstairs with baby and a magazine to feed in the early days as gave me some time to myself.

And your DH - he just needs to keep it vague with his parents re staying post-baby. Who knows how you'll feel or when the baby will arrive.

More support here... YANBU for all the reasons already stated!

maybe it would be a good idea to show him the objective opinions of MN... of course pre preparing for some of the comments about MIL 'in general'

Good luck with the birth and after, of course!

Yeah you are right Tracey... I think I am probably working myself up into a frenzy and it doesn't need to be this way.

She may very well not want to come for more than a day or two.

And I might find my mum as hard work as anyone else and only ask her to stay for a short time.

I guess I'm just really really hormonal now it's only 9 weeks! God knows what i will be like when I am 9 months!

And he is a wonderful hubby who only wants the best for me and would stick up for me in every other way... I think he just wants them to be able to share in the baby the same way my mum will, and not miss out... as well as not offending her.

Why do they want to come and stay anyway? To help you? But if you don't want their help in those first few days, how is that actually helping? Confused.

Not bashing your hubby, but I fear he is going to have one hell of a shock at the reality of all this...

Boobz, I understand you don't want to show your DH this thread but the first paragraph of your last post sums it up nicely. Why don't you try writing your DH a note about how you feel? Sometimes it's easier to get things off your chest in a calm manner that way, without getting sidetracked.

No one is saying they won't love their grandchild etc etc or that they don't mean well. But the fact remains that it's a tough time straight after birth and just this once, you NEED to call the shots. You appreciate her offer to come and help and all, but you MUST come first at this time. She can see the baby tons later on. He must realise they have these hang ups? It doesn't mean you are saying they are bad people. I'm sure your DH is lovely as well, but right now, he IS being unreasonable.

OK - ask your dh if he would be comfortable with just your Mum looking after him after a vasectomy?
Hmm - thought not...
No YANBU! Pooty has some very wise words. Also Bella has a point - your MIL may not be comfortable with coming but feels it is 'the right thing to do' to offer. (this would fit in with the way they feel they have to do everything correctly)
How long have you go to go? Maybe leave it as 'once we have had the baby and know when we need help, we will ask. Thank you so much for saying you will be available if required'

Honestly I think you should wait and see how things go. A lot is going to change between now and March.

You may want to have your mom come and be with you for a while and when she leaves, tell your mother in law that you would love to escape to her house for a little while just to change up your surroundings a bit.

She just might surprise you. She may come and do all your cooking, cleaning, and diaper changing for you, and you'll beg her not to leave.

Totally agree with Pooty and FLoatys comments a while back. If they are quite uptight people, nice as they might be, they won't be able to cope with being around anyway.

boobz - YANBU.

I had my inlaws a week after the birth of my first. It was frankly awful. I was just getting used to being a new Mum, getting used to having a new baby, feeling very tired and vulnerable. I hated having my ILs over (and they are lovely). Having house guests was not what I needed so soon after the birth. It was so much work looking after my baby, and entertaining them too, plus having them querying was the baby OK (she had colic), was she getting enough milk (I was bf) etc etc. It drove me nuts. I ended up having going to my bedroom to bf, and simply just to get some time to myself.

2 kids later, and I made it perfectly clear that my ILs were very welcome to come and visit once I had settled down with the baby (usually after 6 wks). This worked out very well, coupled with my DH also being off too to help out with my ILs.

Your dh I suspect just wants to make his parents feel involved too. There's nothing wrong about that - but let your dh know that it is more impt for you and your dh to get to know your baby, and settle down giving you time to recover. Explain that although your Mum will be around, that as she is your Mum you feel more comfortable with her, and that you'd love to have his parents over - but not so soon after the birth. Also make sure your Dh is around on the days that they visit so if it all gets too much you can disappear off to another room without seeming to be too rude

Hello all, Boobz's best friend here...
I'm laughing now because I have an image of her turning up on the doorstep with swaddling rags and shooing you back to bed for at least a month.
But I actually think it's a good opportunity to show her exactly how you intend to raise YOUR baby and let it be known that you're not going to follow some of their hilarious 1930s attitudes to life. Also, definitely think you should open the door topless.
You also know that if it boiled down to it your DH would always support you first! It is just difficult for him because he sees them through different eyes to you. xx

God I hope he doesn't come on here now - he'll think this is all staged managed now you're on here too!

But like the idea of opening the door topless. Boobs are already massive - just imagine what they will be like then! Ha ha.

You are so not BU!

My PIL arrived to stay for a week at 5 days post delivery and I have never had a more stressful few days. FIL endlessly asking how my nipples were as I was struggling with breastfeeding, they never left us alone for a second (but grabbing the baby rather than actually helping); they subtly undermined my fledgling mothering skills whilst boosting dh's ego. I asked dh if they could move to a B&B, MIL cried hsyterically...

It was a nightmare and almost ruined what should have been a really lovely time. I have never really recovered from it and still resent the fact that dh didn't stand up for me.

If I had my time again, I would be clear and assertive - they can stay in a B&B and dh must accept that you may want their visits curtailed. This is your time as family!

I know I'm feeling guilty now - they truly are lovely people! Can you delete the thread before he gets home??
iwillbepostitive - that sounds like a scary line of questioning regarding your nipples! Luckily I'm pretty sure Boobzs FIL steadfastly refuses to acknowledge that such things exist...

Thanks Tenacious -- I'll look into the active work shop.

Just had another conversation with him on the phone -- he has changed his mind and agreed that she doesn't have to come, as the point really is about helping me, and if it doesn't help me to have her there, then there's no point.

I asked whether he'd spoken to anyone at work and he said yes and had got mixed reactions... there should be 'compromise' etc. But in the end he agrees it's about me and the baby so he's going to speak to his mum about it if she brings it up again. I said I would be more than happy to have them both over after 6 weeks or so and I am well into my routine and healed my fanjo etc.

So I got there in the end! Thanks for all your help. Poor BoobzBF -- she's going to have to hear it all again when she comes round tonight (DH is at rugby practice)...

x

Also when my IL's came to stay for the first 3 days after DS2 was born, he never got put down, if he whimpered he was picked up and the nnever put down, I know MIL doesn't like my way of doing things in general (cooking without salt - What am I thinking) so I felt like I didn't want to have to say, can you put him down please. We ended up with a baby who would not sleep in his crib for the first 2 weeks of his life. He was in our bed which I really didn't want(not saying there is anything wrong with it if it suits others) and I'm usre it was because of never being put down.

Sorry, I feel like I'm making the first few days of parenting awful, as are some others but it is such a hormonal time, and nobody can really appreciate that until they go through it

Can't wait! It really is very far away and there's no point arguing about it yet...
And besides let's face it, they already think you're a bit of an uncouth pleb anyway xxx

And of course they are right... I'll just be the added bonus of a leaking, cranky, hormonal, topless uncouth pleb for a wee while.

I said that I just wanted it to be the 3 of us for the first couple of weeks whilst DH was off work, it's such an amazing and overwhelming thing you need time to take it all in and get to know each other. My parents obviously came to see us the day after the birth (they live quite far away) but didn't stay with us. The ILs live close by, FIL wasn't that interested anyway, and MIL came round occasionally but never outstayed her welcome.

errr - if you've just made the announcement it is early days I guess? Tell your DH to save EVERY DAY of his annual leave, find out EXACTLY how much paternity leave he is entitled to, and SAVE UP if you can so that he can take as much time off as possible.

If he's off work for 8 weeks you may well be ready for MIL to come and stay by that stage

Use this as a very valuable first learning curve; DH's family = problem for you = DH's responsibility to sort out NOT yours

good luck

Sorry if I'm repeating others, just had to stick my oar in and couldn't wait to read everything!

Tell your DH that when he's just had something the size of a watermelon squeezed out of his posterior, is bleeding, torn, hormonal, unable to walk, has exploding breasts, and midwives visiting to check his stitches and ask whether he has done a poo yet in full view of anyone not sensitive enough to get out of the sitting room, THEN he can harp on about what's fair in terms of mothers and MILs visiting.

He should be worrying about your needs after the birth of your baby, not whether his mother is getting her fair share of visits.

I completely understand how you feel. My MIL used to burst into my bedroom when I was trying to work out how to breastfeed DS1 and generally weeping all over him. It was a nightmare. Thankfully my DH doesn't care whether his mother gets to see us as much as my mother, so I was able to tell her to back off (nicely of course). She's never forgiven me, of course, but she'll have to get over it.