AIBU to not want my MIL to come and stay with me just after the baby is born?

[Boobz]

I'm sure I will get lots of yes YABUs, but I just can't help feeling the way I do.

My husband's parents are really lovely, but I find them quite difficult to be around, especially when my hubby's not there with me for moral support. They are both ever so posh and worried all the time about the social ettiquete of how one must go about things, and get really upset and work themselve up into a frenzy about all sorts of things which I wouldn't even bat an eyelid at. We were at their house this weekend to make the pregnancy annoucement, and I try to give FIL the picture of the scan, and he bats it away as if I've tried to show him a picture of my fanjo... and all the while saying "Oh gosh, I don't want to see that! It's probably just a picture of your epiglottis, you can't see anything anyway!"... and then MIL starts telling me that I shouldn't talk about birth (what I'm planning - home birth) or to anyone else about their birth (was planning on asking hubby's aunt about it as she had all 4 of her kids at home) and MIL shrieks "you can't speak to anyone about birth - it's just not the done thing and it's very private and very messy". She also then goes on to tick me off for eating a curry the night before because everyone knows you harm the baby if you eat curries whilst pregnant.

Later in the weekend, FIL refers to my reading material (active birth books) as "Those AWFUL books you've been reading"...

Finally, I mention that my mum is coming to stay with me for a few days after the baby is born and hubby has gone back to work and MIL announces "of course I will come as soon as she has left, to take the baton" and I am mortified at the idea! If my mum does anything to annoy me, I can tell her to bugger off, and I can be hormonal and make mistakes and cry in front of her or whatever, but I could never do any of those things with MIL, who would just make me nervous all the time that I wasn't doing it right, or that I wasn't allowed to talk about the birth I had just gone through because it's not the done thing etc etc.

I just feel totally uncomfortable around both MIL and FIL all the time and I really don't want to have to feel that way when I've just had a baby. Am more than happy to travel to their house with baby and stay there and do all the gran-parently things, but am I obliged to let her come and stay with me on my own when hubby has gone back to work? Do other people have both mum and MIL come to stay?

Husband knows how I feel and says it's only fair that if my mum comes then his mum does too... so the only way I can get out of his mum coming is if I tell my own mum she can't come and stay.

Ready for it.....

First of all, you're being totally reasonable. Your mum is your mum, you're the one who is going to give birth, and want support and help after that and with the baby. DH's mum is not the same.

I think you should reassure your dh that you do think his parents are "lovely" as you said at tge start, but that you should also hould remind your dh of the conversations mentioned in your first post - that your MIL doesn't think you should talk about birth - before or after having a baby? Are you going to be trying to breastfeed? If you have any problems, it will be hard enough without that.

I think you should try and offer your MIL short visits as soon as you feel able and when your dh is there, and on the understanding that she or he makes cups of tea or anything else and that if you need to go and have a bath while they hold baby, or to feed/change baby, you will get on with that as and when.

i go with everything pooty says!!!!!

you simply must sort out ground rules NOW or will end up with years of this nonsense

YOUR HOUSE

YOUR HUSBAND

YOUR BABY

YOUR RULES

you sound a lovley person, tell dh 'of course you don't hate them, you have a great deal of respect for them and would hate to offend them, so you would ask that they stayed away until you feel able to show of the baby in a way that makes you feel most comfortable, pref, once you are not having the blues, leaky tits and a gait like john wayne'

It is a very different relationship between mother and daughter and MIL and daughter IN-LAW. Your DH must realise this and put you first. Stick to you guns, or you will end up like me, with the MIL from hell and a DH who is oblivious to the fact...

YANBU, it's a very important time where you are the mummy and find your own way to organise your own family. Also I think it will change your DH's experience as your partner to work all of the new-baby-stuff out with like what to do when the baby's crying. If someone else is there interfering (whoever it is) I believe your DH will just sit back and won't take as active a part in learning how to be a new family together - you can never get this time back and, as someone else said, it's YOUR family, not hers.

i also agree with everything pooty says

and also suspect that your Dh has NO IDEA whats its like after you have a baby.

besides, if you MIL is so uptight how will she react to you feeding the baby most of the time? Will she be changing nappies?

honestly for the first few weeks it can be pretty relentless. you sit/lie and feed the baby, get up and go to the loo /change pad/have a shower, & get something to eat. then you have about half an hour befroe you start it all again. sorry i know its TMI

if you have any time free you need it for yourself, not for entertaining

Thank you for all your lovely posts.

I should point out, as I feel my poor hubby is getting a bit of a pounding here, that he is NOT a selfish bastard who has no sense of what I need and want, as part of this pregnancy and birth. I think he just doesn't really understand what it's going to be like straight after the birth, nor does he really understand that being able to just be 'me', and not the person I put on when I go to visit his parents, is going to be important. He loves his parents dearly, and they ARE lovely, well meaning people, they just don't realise how much they put me on edge by being on edge themselves, all the time. If they knew how I was feeling now they would themselves be horrified that they were making me worry about all of this, and would offer to not come at all. But of course that's not what I want, I just don't want her to physically stay in the house with me.

Ho hum. I think I have got to a happy medium and of course you are all absolutely right - this is AGES away so maybe things will all just fall into place anyway. I will insist on the weekend thing only however, if they or hubby insist on her staying.

And I will say something to DH, just not now as I think it's all a bit raw.

x

Sorry boobz. Really didn't mean to cause any offence with Hyacinth bouquet comment. Hope you sort it all out OK.

I would perhaps have NEITHER of your mothers stay in the first couple of weeks (if your DH is taking the 2 weeks paternity leave that is...)

It is a very special time and i you can find your own way and routine, just the three os you, you wil be far more confident when you do have visitors.

It is really awkward, isn't it? I must admit I felt for your dh when he asked you why you hate his parents although of course it's clear you don't. I have the same issue with my IL's, and it's really hard to be diplomatic without him feeling that I do hate them (which I don't). FWIW, it may get easier with them once you have a baby for them to coo/fuss over, at least it's a topic of conversation if you're stumped at times! As time goes on, you may feel more relaxed about being with them and it won't be so uncomfortable for you.

I think it's a good compromise. I know that you would rather MIL didn't come but I must admit I think your dh has a point - why should his parents be excluded? He's obviously v.close to them and wants them to share this huge new event in his life. As long as you're v.clear on rules before the baby is born (and I mean crystal, because men are so weak with their mothers!) everything should run smoothly.

No Giddly - no offence taken at all! You're quite right - they are EXACTLY like that (he might have been called Sheridan in another life)... all I was saying is that he is so oblivious (ok, not totally oblivious, but for the most part) to what they are like, and are like to me (he thinks I am always being over sensitive) that if he read that himself, he would not think it was funny.

I on the other hand, thought it was hilarious.

Another vote was what pooty says. There is a possibility that you won't be able to sit down - if you're having problems with your nipples then the recommendation is that you air dry some milk on them after feeding. If you're trying to establish breastfeeding, then the baby will not be discrete at first and will latch and unlatch leaving your nipples on show. You will be bleeding heavily. OK, so it's not that bad for everyone, but these are all possibilities, and if your MIL comes then you will end up hiding upstairs with the baby, so that MIL doesn't accidentally see evidence that you've actually just had a baby. How on Earth is that going to be fun for anyone?

YANBU. I couldn't bear my MIL to be at our house at all when I got home from hospital, BECAUSE she was so bloody useless and no help at all. The day after I got out of hospital - after a C-section, she came to our house - under the guise of "helping" when all she actully did was lounge round on the sofa while I hoovered round her!

Sorry, have posted this before on other threads, but it still infuriates me.

So, say no now - and save youself a lot of grudges in the future!!

This shouldn't be about what's fair for the respective grandmothers, but what's fair for you. You are the one who will just have had a baby, possibly have a number of physical problems about which you will feel vulnerable, will be trying to establish b/feeding and be all over the place emotionally. There is no way in the world you should be expected to have in your house anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable in these circumstances, regardless of their relationship to you or your dh. Point out to your dh that, quite apart from a lot of remarks made by your PIl which have made you feel uncomfortable now, they just aren't your parents with whom you feel totally at ease, not worried about them seeing you in a physical or emotional state.

Ask your dh how he would feel if he was ill, involving lots of throwing up and upset tummy, possibly not making it to the loo in time and then you suggested that your mother come to look after him and clear up any mess.

Hmm, I am thinking that your MIL maybe has only offered to "take up the baton" because she thinks that might be what she should do. Rather than actually wanting to come and stay and help with the messy bits. Perhaps she feels obliged to offer seeing as your own mum is coming to stay and help? I think, if she's so squeamish normally about all the messy stuff that she might actually be quite grateful if you and DH turn round and say actually, thanks for offering but we don't need you to come and stay.

Thankfully my ils live close so they didn't need to stay.

They are very difficult and snobby people who worry endlessly about doing things the right way. They like to perceive themselves as quite posh. Fil is also very self absorbed.

We had one or two incidents (offensive to them) just after I had given birth. FIL came right up to me and baby invading our space, I said twice oh by the way I am feeding. He leapt back and kept saying "oh how embarrassing". I also deliberately wore my pjs, so that they would (in theory) understand I was still recovering, I think they found that v embarrassing.

If they are staying, there will be all kind of rude and embarrassing paraphernalia about the place - maternity pads, soggy bras etc. Laundry probably piled up everywhere. All of this is normal of course, but not to people who probably don't even admit to using the toilet themselves!

I would stall until after you have had the baby, see how you feel? The thought of having my MIL here for a few days would have driven me nuts, I said to my DH that I wanted time with him and the baby - to settle into a routine. Also wanted to be able to suss out BF i.e. walk around with no top on without feeling uncomfortable.

If they do come and want them gone I recommend getting out the most gruesome pictures of the birth and discussing the experience in full detail I found showing pictures of me in the birthing pool (I had my DD at home) straight after the birth enough to send my BIL running for the hills oh that and my boob accidently falling out of my PJ top

You must, must, must go with your gut feelings on this. If you don't want your in laws around after the birth, say so. And get your husband on board if possible. The period after the birth of a baby is an extremely important time for bonding and for finding your feet as a family. You need uninterupted, stress-free time to do this. I speak from experience.

p.s. tell your husband to stop being so immature re: your mum and his mum. It's entirely natural for a woman to want her own mother around to support her in the days after the birth of her child, but not to necessarily want someone else's mum around, too!

Now I feel like as the thread has gone on, the PIL have become the most vilified most terrible in-laws ever! They aren't! They are normal, lovely grandparents to be, who aren't very good at not getting embarrassed about things and who do things differently to me. This is why I feel uncomfortable about her being there, not because she isn't a lovely person, because she is. They both are. They are just very worried about all sorts of things all the time which will in turn make me feel rubbish when I will probably already have a lot to deal with.

Just spoke to DH about this on the phone as I was asking him about something else family orientated, and had gathered some courage from all your posts. He says he understands but says it's his baby and his mother too, and that we can just have her around when he's there. He said he would support me if I decided I really didn't want her there, but that I had to tell her. I said I wanted him to tell her as it's his mother and he already knows how I find it difficult to talk to them (even more so now she's said she doesn't ever want to talk about the birth with me) but he's said he thinks it's unfair that I'm the one who doesn't want her to come and he then has to tell her.

He then said he would kill me if I posted on AIBU..... ooops.

At least he knows how much I want to start as I mean to go on in terms of space after the baby is born... I think now the aim is to just hope that what bellababy says is true, and she was just being polite.

Oh sob.

p.p.s agree with the poster who says your husband is going to have to start putting YOU - the mother of his child - first, above his own mother. He really, really will have to do this if he wants a happy, stress free home life. From the moment your baby is born, what his mother wants doesn't really come into it, I'm, afraid. It's not about her.

Your ILs could be the loveliest people in the world. That's not the point. The pojnt is that it is going to be really, crucially important that you are supported 100% by your husband and by the people you instinctively and naturally want around you for the first few weeks after the birth of your child. I hate to sound patronising, but I don't think your husband really understands exactly how most women feel after giving birth. You are going to be extremely hormonal, trying to establish breastfeeding probably, sleeping very little, trying to get to grips with this enormous change in your life. It is of course his baby / life, too, but initially, the brunt of the whole thing is going to rest squarely on your shoulders. You really don't need house guests - no matter how helpful and lovely - in your space while you're doing this, at least not ones you don't 100% want and need to be there. And I do think he should be the one to tell his own parents. Surely if they are lovely they will understand?