to be aghast at size of neices and nephews?

[Tittybangbang]

.... barbecue at SIL's last week, children playing in the pool. Knew they were all overweight but hadn't quite realised just how fat until seeing them in swimming costumes. Her 13 year old is wearing an adult size 16. Two of the younger ones are obese - not overweight, obese. The youngest one has legs that are so fat his thighs rub together at the top and get sore. They all have what looks like adult beer bellies - big, wobbly spare tyres that hang over the tops of their clothes.

SIL is wonderful mum. She's a super-bright, educated woman who is devoted to her children. However, her attitude when it comes to any lifestyle related health issue is this: so and so lived until 90 even though they were obese and smoked - therefore it's not worth fussing over things like smoking/drinking/overeating. I've gone to family parties and sat there silent while they discuss the pointlessness of healthy eating.

As an outsider coming into the family I see things differently. I see that my FIL (obese and hypertensive) has had a stroke at 73 and now has very poor mobility, partly because he weighs 18 stone. I see that MIL (also obese and with type II diabetes) had obesity related complications after hernia surgery and was ill for 2 years following her operation. I see that BIL (overweight, heavy smoker) has had heart attack at 46. I see that other SIL (obese and hypertensive) took 4 years to conceive her first child - something her obstetrician put down to her weight.

The children are constantly being told they're just 'big' and nobody ever says 'no' to them when it comes to food. They are allowed to eat as much as they like - huge portions, seconds of everything, snacks between meals. They are active and sporty (which as far as SIL is concerned makes them healthy, and stops her worrying about their weight), but they'd have to be on olympic training schedules to burn off all the calories they're eating.

Last week when we were round there the children got their new toy out - a Wii Fit. The 8 year old stepped onto it and it told him he was obese. He stepped off it and shoved it back into the box. He looked quite taken aback. I don't think SIL realised when she bought it that it functions as a set of scales and a BMI monitor.

So - am I a health fascist and a worry wart to think that it's betrayal for a parent to allow their children to become really overweight without at least trying to do something about it. I do feel incredibly sorry for these lovely kids, who have been teased at school about their weight.

Wanted to add - there was an article in the paper the other day. Apparently 95% of parents of overweight and obese children don't recognise that their children are overweight or obese. How is this possible? I'm very conscious of how much weight my children are carrying. I don't weigh them, but it's easy to see if they've got a 'spare tyre' surely?

I get the feeling this is about your bad relationship with your sil.
You sound a bit smug

DH nd I are both overweight - in the obese category and, as such I make a particular effort to make sure that my children eat a well balanced diet and get plenty of exercise because I know first hand what it feels like to be fat and I do not want that for them. I try to set a good example in their presence by eating healthily and we have lots of days out etc - I am physically able enough to run around the park or the garden with them. My overeating tends to be done in private - not good but at least my kids aren't witness to it. I don't think it is unreasonable to be shocked by the size of your neices and nephews but I don't really think there is anything you can do about it. At least they are active and maybe one day your SIL will realise that she needs to try and help them to normalise their food intake.

I don't think titty sounds smug at all - I'd feel exactly the same: nothing to do with smugness, just the feeling you get when you see spectacularly bad parenting - you can't say anything but it doesn't stop you wincing inside and -yes- judging. But I don't see anything wrong with judging; if it's done internally. It'd be like asking everyone to not have opinions on anything: just impossible. It's whether you voice it or not... and calling the op 'smug' indicates the hostility with which subjects like this are greeted when the debate is started.

My dd1 is tall and very slim but has a huge apetite which borders on greedy, imo. It's almost embarrassing sometimes, trying to get her to manage her own portion control when we go to parties or other people's houses. I think she'll follow dh and be tall and carry her weight well but always be greedy - she doesn't seem to have that 'switch' that controls your apetite and tells you that you're full. We've tried saying to her to listen to her tummy when it says it's full and all that stuff, but she says she can't hear it .

Having said that, her diet is very balanced - loads of healthy stuff but some 'junk' in moderation. She would quite happily eat half a cake if we let her, but she also will ask for radishes for her pudding if she sees them in the fridge after eating her tea!

As far as your SIL is concerned, in her case I think the Govt monitoring of kids' weights would be useful. A letter from school in black and white (rather like the read-out from the wii that your nephew had) might just shock them into realising how their children's weights might well be affecting their health - now or in the future.

appetite - DER

I used to work in a special needs school with a very obesean dvery lovely 11 year old whos typical diet would be a full fry up every morning ( his mum who was also obese would wake him up at 6am every morning to eat it) he would then have a snack on the bus, he would arrive at school and have other snacks at break always asking for more, then he would have school dinners and dessert always wanting seconds, then if we did cooking he would eat whatever we prepared on the bus home, followed by a whole pizza or huge takeaway for tea
( he once boasted that he was taken to an all you can eat chinese resturant and had 5 full plates!!!)he was also given his own fridge in his room full of snacks, sweets, chocolate and fizzy drinks to eat at his leisure!!!!
His mother refused to discuss his weight issues and if anyone dared mention it in passing or on a school report she would phone up to complain- her reasoning was that life too short not to eat what u want!!!

My son never has sweets.

He might have a biscuit at home once a month.

Yet he is obese.

School nurse complains frequently, paed says 'don't worry'

I can't win!!

my eldest ds is quite slim although hes been working out so hes building muscle-recently he had to go to the drs and he was described as 'spindly'-i did wonder then what the dr would have described him as if he were obese?

There was an article in The Times yesterday
this page
saying that overfeeding children was child abuse and in extreme cases they should be taken into care.
I don't think this is the answer but perhaps more education is necessary. I was on holiday last week and was shocked at the sheer amount of obese (not merely fat)people on the beach. Whole families were obese and so must have had bad diets.
In the case of OP it is very sad but I don't think you can interfere. I have an intelligent, overweight friend who just doesn't see that her DS is obese.

there's nothing you can do, but i was just at a family fun fare that included a soft play area and was stunned at the size of many of these kids!

man, it was dead shocking. and sad.

titty - I totally see where you are coming from, but I dont think theres a lot you can do except lead by example, and as someone else said take the opportunity to explain your pov when they talk about the pointlessness of healthy eating.
where I work there was a child who was obese at age 5. s/he (so as not to identify at all, incase anyone knows me) was given a lunchbox full of chocolate, cake, biscuits etc - no nutrition at all. was greeted at the end of the day with a chocolate bar. SERIOUSLY obese - couldnt run because they would get out of breath, toilet problems, no energy.
we talked to the parents about healthy eating and exercise and all credit to them they followed our advice. over the holidays they came back transformed - slim, energetic, better concentration.
I think it is very sad that children are allowed to become obese becuase of parent's misconceptions about portion size and sensible eating. And I firmly believe schools / doctors etc should talk to the parents about obesity and what it does to the child. and not pussyfoot around using the term obese either.

I think as a society we have become more accepting of larger people, it has become almost 'normal' to the extent that we can't differentiate anymore as to what constitutes being a bit overweight or very overweight, or even obese.

Look at what's going on with clothes sizes for example.

Compared to my childhood, quite a lot of people have more disposable income now and this is being spent on food. Look at the the number of cafes and restaurants there are now.

Snacking has become a pastime.

i used to be able to buy cherokee trousers and jeans to fit DD1, as they were adjustable waist.

now, they adjust the other way, towards a heavy child and can no longer be adjusted to suit her slenderness.

only GAP fits her.

It is very sad, think you put nail on it when you said it was entrenched in their lifestyles. I have a very good friend who is seriously overweight for same reason.

Really don't think there is anything you can do though unfortunately as saying anything would just cause offence all round and wouldn't help situ.

Disagree about the so called 'lucky' people who can apparently stuff their faces??? If you eat more calories than you burn off then you put on weight. I have heard that one so many times from people who think they are only heavier because of bad luck. They have all eaten far bigger portions than anyone else and don't do any/enough exercise to burn it all off.

Every time you give even your pre-school child raisins or a carrot or apple or a goodie bar or whatever as a snack, another mother will think you are judging her for not giving sweets. It's like a breach of the sisterhood. It's an unbelievably fraught area. The OP needs to be aware of this. It will be a disaster to raise the issue - completely counterproductive. Only a grandma could get away with saying something like this.

By the way, our headmistress told an obese boy at our school that he needed to watch his weight "because you are too fat".

The mum withdrew him from school and sent him to private school. Interesting one. Perhaps "obese" or overweight would have been a better thing to say but sometimes you need to learn the truth. I'm sure the OP's nephew hasn't forgotten what the Nintendo Wii told him.

I am overweight

I am morbidly obese apparently

My mother was terrible with me as a child. I lived on crap that one sticks in the oven for 30 mins at 230 degrees. I was also given cake whenever I was upset so that my mother never had to deal with my feelings. This is why I have continued to be fat into adulthood.

I was never offered fresh fruit and veg.

She does it to my children when she has them. UIt breaks my heart.

I am fairly strict with my children's intake of food and they are both active. My mother thinks I am cruel not letting them stuff their little faces with sugar, salt, hydrogenated fats and artificial sweetners day in day out.

I want the poor relationship food cycle to end with me. I don't want my children to be fat and to be bullied like I was, and still am every day of their lives.

Lemonstartree - I am terribly sorry you find people like me so offensive and repellant. Maybe the fatties you see have learnt to eat food as comfort, like I have. Maybe judgemental attitudes like yours are a contributing factor.

All you can do, TBB, is be in charge of cooking whenever your ILs visit. this means NO BBQs. Cook enough for everybody to have just enough, no more. I was not aware that my eating habits were bad until I went to someone's house and they had a small dinner and nothing else.

Shiek brings up a really salient point: the use of food, particularly processed crap, as a treat or reward sets a person up for a pretty shaky relationship with food.

It's usually an easier option, but in the long-term it can cost a lot.

Sheik,

my acquaintances enjoy passing comments when I give my kids carrots, apples etc, saying things like "he'll react later" and "mine never asks for sweets because he knows he can have them".

They make it sound as though I am anxious, paranoid, abnormal. Please tell me I'm not! It's not like I ban the stuff.

No, they won't react.

I eat healthy diet now as an adult. I just comfort eat too much

I think that's the key tbh. Teaching your children that food is a crutch for their emotions is an extremely dangerous thing to do. It's also terribly easy.

I was on holiday in Cornwall when I saw so many obese people on the beach. I was shocked at the amount of junk food on sale. We had pizza one night and most people appeared to be having pizza and chips. I can't imagine how anyone thinks you would eat chips with pizza!

sheik yuo look gorgeous!! and yuor kids do too!

my mum(of the 70[s) gave us similar food to your mum.

I do find myself treating food as a 'treat'when i t comes to dd.

I guess I would think about it more if she were a chubby kid, but she's a bean pole.
Whic i know is not a good excuse, but i think my attitude would change if i thought i was causing her to put on weight. She has a very small appetite too.

Its weird, one family i know have two kids, theyoungest girl is veryy stocky and round, the elder is skinny, and I pressume they get fed the same.

Yeah Sheik fab cheekbones

I don't think you are unreasonable to be taken aback at the size of your nieces and nephews, but agree that you cannot hope to change things much in their home.

You say your SIL and BIL do offer healthy food, but just too much of it - and the children have an active lifestyle. Well there's a lot to be hopeful about. And so many teenagers do change shape as they get older.

dh or I are about average - neither of us particularly fat or thin. We do eat quite a bit as a family, but quite healthily.

My oldest ds has been on the chubby side since he was around 8 years old, despite playing lots of sport. He is now 14 and although he is not getting any bigger round the waist, he is not getting any smaller. I am hoping a growth spurt (when it happens)will help.

FWIW, ds1 eats no more than my youngest ds who is nearly 9 years old and has no weight problem at all. Ds2 just seems to have a faster metabolism.

I think it's too simple to say that bigger people are greedy - I know plenty of slim people with huge appetites.