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AIBU?

.... to think that dh won't pester me about wanting to go out, I have said NO!!!

59 replies

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 13/08/2008 08:56

Ok, he plays badminton on a Monday night. However in a couple of weeks time their club plays host to a visiting club for the weekend and they hold a tournament. He asked if he could play in the tournament which is all day on a Sunday with meal afterwards and I said no. He then asked again about half an hour later and I said no. Since that day until now (approx. 6 days) he has asked every day and he gets the same answer 'NO'.

So, why does he keep on asking? Isn't it bad enough that I have 3 children that ask and ask and ask for things? Isn't NO enough?

Sorry, summer holidays getting to me and I don't need dh acting like the children do aswell!!!!

OP posts:

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mayorquimby · 13/08/2008 11:00

this just seems bizarre.
the fact that he will let you tell him he can't do something but will continue to ask constantly hoping you will change your mind is beyond weird.
and then the fact that despite your obvious powers of veto and control when it comes to things he is allowed to do, you are not able to stand up to him and organise to do something yourself.

as others have said, you guys need to talk and you need to start going out on your own from time to time.

Neeerly3 · 13/08/2008 11:35

this is very odd indeed, as mayo said, you have the authority to tell him what he can and can't do, but you are unable to TELL him you are going out by yourself and thus he has got the kids for a few hours/the day/a few days.....

On one hand I'm gobsmacked that you said NO in such an outright way, like you control him and I wanted to shout straight away, "what gives you the right?"...but then on the other hand I'm also gobsmacked that you get no time to yourself either.

The synic in me thinks that you limit your own alone time, to play the martyr so that he can't do stuff alone either - some sort of control mechanism....."only I know how to look after the kids properly, i can't possibly leave them with him etc etc" In which case yes YABU and a fool unto yourself.

However, if I'm reading this wrong and he has some sort of control over you and refuses to look after the kids alone, I sympathise but it still needs to be dealt with. I speak as a lady who has just returned from Portugal for 5 days WITHOUT kids and feel fantastic. I am 3 months pregs with baby 3 and am really optimistic about what the future holds as I know we will tackle everything 50/50. It didnt used to be like that as some people on here may or may not know....took a huge kick up the arse from me to DH, but we are sorted now.

Whichever scenario it is, you cannot STOP someone doing something (i mean badminton, christ, at least he's keeping fit!), you need to sort out the basics of your relationship and then look at the childcare issues - you will find yourself a much more relaxed and tolerant wife if you get to be YOU sometimes......

Dropdeadfred · 13/08/2008 11:40

Hmmm...I think your resentment over no time alone is very obvious and is tainting your relationship..of course he should play in the tournament.

the kids belong to you both equally..tell him he will be reciprocating and you think that time off without children is something you both need and are entitled to.

FlirtyThirty · 13/08/2008 14:30

Oh my goodness!!!
YABU!!! For not letting him play!

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 13/08/2008 14:33

Ooop, hello just seen this. He limits my time I have to myself. Not me.

So, yes, I do resent the fact that I dont go out and probably my only reason for saying no to the tournament.

OP posts:

Neeerly3 · 13/08/2008 14:35

so why do you let him limit your time? if you are bold enough NOT to let him out to play badminton, surely you are bold enough to say, "i'm meeting friends, will be a few hours, bye...."

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 13/08/2008 14:39

Because then I have to deal with the consequences of doing that. It is usually hell on earth.

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Love2bake · 13/08/2008 14:42

Sounds like to need to talk about these issues and come to a fair agreement.

Neeerly3 · 13/08/2008 14:43

wot consequences? they are HIS kids......sorry to keep on at you, but this is a topic dear to my heart as i had a long battle with my DH after our DT's were born, and i've come out the other side. DC3 wouldn't be on the way if we weren't 100% sorted.....

tiredemma · 13/08/2008 14:44

what would be the consequences?

MrsMattie · 13/08/2008 14:47

Your husband has to ask your permission to do things? And he won't give you a day off...what, ever? That all sounds really miserable for both of you

CuckooClockWorkOrange · 13/08/2008 14:49

Say yes to the tournament, and then tellyou wll be out all day Sunday the following week.

It'll open his eyes a bit. At least he asked. My x wouldn't have asked. He just used to go off doing his motorbike things at the weekend. But If I wanted to leave the kids with him, he was on my case "what time will you be back, how long will you be? why so long?". So I see your point, believe me.

slavemum · 13/08/2008 14:53

A whole sunday without him under ur feet..and someone else is making his dinner?
If ur dh can't go can I send mine??

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 13/08/2008 14:59

I have said yes to the tournament. I gave in after he hounded me for 6 days.

I have just been out with our 2 dd's and he called whilst I was gone. So gave him a call back when we got in and he wanted to know where we had been, why, how long were we, what did we get etc.... its a nightmare.

Oh and I do think that for a man with a family and responsibilities he goes out far too much yet he doesn't seem to think so.

He is going to get a shock when I tell him that we went to check out shoes for the 2 dd's and they have chosen what they want, he's paying!!!

Recently he has been to golf for the day, France for the day, Chelsea Football Club for the day, table tennis, badminton (twice a week), 4 bbq's, pub 3 times a week plus once at the weekend, that is in about a month if that, oh and 3 friends birthday parties and a wedding.

I was at the wedding!!

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Treeny · 13/08/2008 15:00

What are the consequences if you leave the children with DH? Does he have trouble managing them by himself? Or does he make you feel bad about leaving him with them?

I really hope you can get it sorted - a life where you have no time to yourself or to do your own thing is no life at all. I can definitely understand you not wanting DH to go off for the day at a weekend if you never get the opportunity to do anything similar - but you should make the opportunity. Otherwise you're both going to feel resentful, and you won't give your best to the children.

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 13/08/2008 15:00

slavemum, you can send yours!! I would like a whole Sunday without dh AND the dc's under my feet and someone else cooking for them!!

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HappyNewYearFeet06 · 13/08/2008 15:03

Dh hasn't ever had all 3 of them for the whole day on his own. They are 11, 5 and 2. He would then make me feel bad if I go out for the day as he would hate spending time with them and would be stressed when I get back.

I do it all day every day and yes it is hard work but very rewarding too. I wouldn't change my children for the world, quieter ones would be nice. Tee hee!!!

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VictorianSqualor · 13/08/2008 15:13

HappyNewYearFeet why on earth are you putting up with this?
HE checks up on where you've been? and goes off out to whatever he wants but you can't go out at all?

Neeerly3 · 13/08/2008 15:17

it's HIS problem if he finds them stressful, not yours, its not for you to smooth things over for him and make his life peachy and remove everything that stresses him out. Looks like he gets his own way far too often and he's used to it now.

Do you have family or friends that could have the kids for a while, so you and dh can talk as this is looking more and more unhealthy everytime you post. Do you and DH have fun together? when he's home with you and the kids, do you laugh and joke together, slob out on sofa with pj's on, eating popcorn watching disney movies? You sound like you are functioning as two seperate units - you wife and mother, him, well, party animal and breadwinner, just don't get what part of that you are happy with....

My situation only resolved itself when i walked out for a few days with the kids, i would hope you don't get to that stage.

CountessDracula · 13/08/2008 15:18

He sounds rather odd

Does he not like the children?

Why is he out all the time without you - a lot of those things sound like they would be family friendly.

How would he make you feel bad? Would he sulk? Be verbally abusive? Or physically abusive?

I think he has to learn that you need your time and the children are his too. And you need to learn to stand up for yourself and not allow this awful controlling behaviour from him.

Dropdeadfred · 13/08/2008 15:18

I wonderwhy you had a third child with him when you must have guessed what he would be like after the first two...he sounds like a selfish twat but you are allowing him to continue to be...

slavemum · 13/08/2008 15:23

HappyNewYearFeet, do feel for you. If this was just a one off day out fair enough, but he does seem to be getting the best of both worlds. He cant have the social life of a single man and expect you and the kids to be sitting at home waiting hand and foot on him.
Could you get someone else to watch the children one night and just go out yourself with your friends? give urself a break without the stress of getting him to watch the kids?

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HappyNewYearFeet06 · 13/08/2008 15:27

He can't sit and have a conversation about things without it turning into a full scale slanging amtch. Usually because the conversation isn't going the way he wants it to so he turns nasty and starts saying horrible things to me which aren't true.

My friend suggested moving out but I haven't got anyone that will take me and 3 children in. He would probably like it too much too!!

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3andnomore · 13/08/2008 15:28

YABU about saying no to him in the first place....surely this is a special occasion....why can't he play in the tournament, etc...honest....poor guy....

Dropdeadfred · 13/08/2008 15:30

God, thta sounds awful that you are with him becuade you don't want him to be happy ( even if that was tongue in cheek).

Why not just ask him when you can expecr him to offer you a day child-free like he expects on Sun?

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