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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DH to stay at home with the children while I am away?

31 replies

2point4kids · 11/08/2008 19:31

We have 2 children aged 2yrs and 6 months.
I'm a SAHM and am happy with that, but its bloody hard work as I'm sure lots of you know.
DH works 5 days a week, long hours and a long commute. He leaves before the children wake up and is home well after they are in bed.
At weekends we do things together as a family and really enjoy our time together.

This weekend I am going on a hen weekend. I'm away Friday lunch time till Sunday evening.
I have never left the children that long before and DH has never been on his own with both of them! (purely because when he is around we want to be all together)
I am completely confident they will all be fine and muddle along without me though

I am looking forward to the weekend away and nervous about leaving the children in equal measures

Anyway to get to the point!
DH has mentioned to me that one of his friends from school (someone he keeps in touch with but doesnt see regularly) is getting married that weekend. He asked if I'd mind if he asked his Mum to babysit for the weekend so he could go to his friends wedding.

I have said I do mind and I want him to look after the children himself!
Absolutely nothing to do with his Mum - We are very close and I'd trust her in a second to look after them well - its just that it doesnt feel right!

I cant even explain it to him really.
Its part that he doesnt get to see them very often and this is a fantastic opportunity for him to spend some quality time with them.
I also think its a good chance for him to realise himself how hard it is to do what I do all day.
Another small part of me thinks that we dont very often get a chance to go away just the two of us, so I would rather save babysitting favours for something like that.
The IL's have never looked after the children for that long a period before and it seems to me a shame to 'waste' it on DH having a night out on his own! (which he can do any old time when I am home anyway!)
It just seems like a real cop out on his part to me
Disclaimer - DH is not trying to get out of looking after the children, he is happy to show what he is made of (and is very hands on at weekends etc) he is just seeing it in black and white ie. A friend is getting married. He'd like to go. MIL would be happy to babysit. Kids would be happy at MIL's. Therefore why not go?

DH has agreed not to go now (he says he wouldnt go without my blessing) but he thinks it is me saying to him 'You get to have nights out and weekends away while I am at home with the children so now you must have a turn' in a sort of punishment way.. which its not... I just cant really explain why I feel so strongly about it!

So AIBU to ask him to spend the time with the children?

OP posts:
Original poster
2point4kids · 11/08/2008 19:33

God, sorry that ended up so long

OP posts:
beanieb · 11/08/2008 19:36

HAs he only just sprung this on you? Surely he would have known about the wedding a long time before this?

I think it's pretty unreasonable for him to spring it on you now tbh.

bubblagirl · 11/08/2008 19:38

i think personally this is a resentment thing you want him to do what you do every day etc

i can understand why you would want him to look after them quality time and all but if its a wedding i wouldnt want him to miss out for me as that would hang over us forever

well i couldnt go because you didnt want me to etc

i would let him go providing when you get back on the following weekend he has children for the day while you maybe arrange to see a friend

it would do you both good to have something to talk about outside of the home would he have one day with children at least or would his mum have all weekend as i would insist he had one day if possible

but i wouldnt feel it right in all honesty to stop my dp going to friends wedding i would be happy that both of us were doing something and chuildren being well looked after

make sure he has quality time following weekend you can go pamper yourself somewhere and let him have the time with the children

it is frustrating when we feel we do so much and in all fairnes if they werent working all hours they would do more iyts a shame the wedding is on same weekend but that cant be helped

as i said i wouldnt want him to miss out for me i would want him to enjoy his friends weddinga s long as children were ok

charliecat · 11/08/2008 19:38

Wouldnt you also be invited to the wedding?

bubblagirl · 11/08/2008 19:40

oh yes if he has only just told you then i maybe wouldnt be so happy as could have said a while back i dont mean whole thing beingg a resentment thing as i completely understand my dp works long hours and would probably go out if had opportunity and id want him to have quality time with ds i meant the you want him to see what you dop evry day bit etc

bubblagirl · 11/08/2008 19:41

do every day lol

shatteredmumsrus · 11/08/2008 19:41

I would feel the same as you. Selfish in some peoples opinion but it is true, they should see how loody hard it is and spend some quality time with ths children. And you have a fab time and try and relax on your hen weekend x

Original poster
2point4kids · 11/08/2008 19:42

We were both invited to the wedding yes.
The invitation came through ages ago and at the time we agreed that I would send a 'sorry we cant come' note as my hen do plans were already in place.
However DH saw this friend last week and the friend asked him why we couldnt go and was saying that he hoped it wasnt due to it being a child free wedding. Dh said no it is because I am away and friend said there is still space for just DH if he changes his mind and can get babysitters - it obviously put the idea in his head!

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 11/08/2008 19:49

I don't think he should go really.

On 1 hand you think you will all be happy if he goes, no harm done, on the other you think but you should save babysitting so you can go away together as a couple for a change and he should look after dc's on his own for once and get some quality time (although you might want to bear in mind the mnetter that did this and came back to a totally trashed house so be prepared to hire a cleaner )

If he goes to the wedding will he get drunk and have hangover the next day or will he spend one day at the wedding and 1 day spending time with dc's?

WideWebWitch · 11/08/2008 19:51

YANBU, he should look after HIS children, it's a cop out to ask his mother tbh. He shouldn't go, you jointly turned down the invitation, he should stay at home as agreed.

Original poster
2point4kids · 11/08/2008 19:55

If he went it would be ALL weekend. Its quite far away so would be a drink lots and stay in a hotel job.

I honestly dont mind coming back to a trashed house (within reason! lol) as then I will know that they all had fun together, that he knows how hard i work to keep it all under control and that he will help to sort it all out under my guidance

OP posts:
largeginandtonic · 11/08/2008 19:57

Tricky, i would be exactly the same as you and probably want him at home with the children. Clearly this is a rare occurence for you and one you have been looking forward to for a long time. I think it is only fair he has the children and you save your babysitting hours for the 2 of you to use together.

If the situation was reversed would you turn down flat the offer of a last minute invite? I would without even thinking about it as i would have already agreed to the plan of events.

Men don't see this side though do they?

unknownrebelbang · 11/08/2008 20:03

I don't understand the need to turn down the wedding invitation in the first place, if you're happy with MIL looking after the children.

You can always book yourself another day/weekend away so that DH can look after the children, if you feel that strongly about it.

mayorquimby · 12/08/2008 10:42

i don't really see any problem with his parents looking after your kids so he can attend the wedding.
would you accept him telling you that you couldn't attend a friends wedding because he was away and he insisted the children were looked after by you and not your mother?
if so yabvu

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/08/2008 11:47

I think YABU, you have plans for the weekend but your DH cant? I could see a problem if you had no alternative childcare but thats not an issue in this case.

Saying he cant see a friend get married as you want him to stay home and see how hard work it is is a little childish. I can just imagine him telling his friend he cant attend as his wife wont let him! If circumstances were reversed i'm sure you would not be happy.

I assume he works hard all week to provide for his family, so I'm sure he has an idea what hard work is without you ensuring he does.

meemar · 12/08/2008 12:02

I think as long as you are both happy that the children will be properly looked after then it's fine for him to go. If you stop him on the principle that he 'should' be spending time with the children then YABU.

However, as it was his weekend in charge of them and he changed the plans, you should make sure that any MIL contacts him in the case of any problems or issues arising. You shouldn't have to spend your weekend away worrying about anything to do with the children.

oopsadaisyangel · 12/08/2008 12:09

Personally I don't see the problem with letting DH go. As you say the GP's would be happy to have the kids and the kids would love to be at your GP's. Kids would probably see it as a mini holiday if they haven't stayed with GP's for that long before, I know my DS did the first time he stayed over for more than one night! Mind you my son is obsessed with staying at granny's now and constantly wants to know when he can go back (even though granny looks after him every day after soon )

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/08/2008 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heifer · 12/08/2008 12:23

I think YABU.

Doesn't seem right that is ok for you to go away for the weekend, but DH can't.

IF MIL if perfectly happy with it, and you think she can manage etc, then why not both go away.

By using her this onces doesn't mean you can never ask her again.... You never know she may enjoy it soo much that she offers to do this more often and you can get a weekend away together soon.

You go, he goes, everyone happy.

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/08/2008 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meemar · 12/08/2008 12:41

tmmj - it's only a one off occasion. I don't think the children will be too damaged from a fortnight without their dad.

If the OP wasn't going to this hen night they would both have been going to the wedding without the children anyway, because it was a child free wedding.

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/08/2008 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lakelover · 12/08/2008 12:46

YANBU in my opinion. I think he should stay at home and spend some quality time with the children. However, you mentioned that he has NEVER spent any time alone with them - do you think he's a bit nervous about it? Perhaps this wedding option was a way of avoiding being alone with them, not because he doesn't want to spend time with them, but because he's worried about something happening while you're away? Sorry - not presuming to 'know' your DP - just a thought?!

meemar · 12/08/2008 12:53

I think I'd agree with you if it was a regular thing. But weddings, by nature are a one-off occassion and exeptions can be made for one-offs.

The OP says he is very hands on and loves spending time with them all as a family every weekend, so I don't really think the children will suffer from this.

FWIW, I think I'd be pretty p*ssed off if my DH did this for all the reasons 2point4kids has stated. But I wouldn't insist he didn't go, because deep down I'd know that I would be unreasonable to do so.

Elasticwoman · 12/08/2008 13:00

I left my dc with dh for a week, a few years ago when I was a SAHM. ( I went to look after my mum following an op.) Dh keen to be hands on father, took time off work (it was half term.) He then managed to let ds, then aged 4 get really sunburned and throw up in the car.

My point is: your dh may make a mistake if he is not used to looking after dc full time. Do not underestimate the skill and knowledge involved. Are you will to take the risk and will you blame him if something goes wrong?

Not saying you shouldn't take the risk. Just be aware of it.

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