to want DH to stay at home with the children while I am away?

[2point4kids]

We have 2 children aged 2yrs and 6 months.
I'm a SAHM and am happy with that, but its bloody hard work as I'm sure lots of you know.
DH works 5 days a week, long hours and a long commute. He leaves before the children wake up and is home well after they are in bed.
At weekends we do things together as a family and really enjoy our time together.

This weekend I am going on a hen weekend. I'm away Friday lunch time till Sunday evening.
I have never left the children that long before and DH has never been on his own with both of them! (purely because when he is around we want to be all together)
I am completely confident they will all be fine and muddle along without me though

I am looking forward to the weekend away and nervous about leaving the children in equal measures

Anyway to get to the point!
DH has mentioned to me that one of his friends from school (someone he keeps in touch with but doesnt see regularly) is getting married that weekend. He asked if I'd mind if he asked his Mum to babysit for the weekend so he could go to his friends wedding.

I have said I do mind and I want him to look after the children himself!
Absolutely nothing to do with his Mum - We are very close and I'd trust her in a second to look after them well - its just that it doesnt feel right!

I cant even explain it to him really.
Its part that he doesnt get to see them very often and this is a fantastic opportunity for him to spend some quality time with them.
I also think its a good chance for him to realise himself how hard it is to do what I do all day.
Another small part of me thinks that we dont very often get a chance to go away just the two of us, so I would rather save babysitting favours for something like that.
The IL's have never looked after the children for that long a period before and it seems to me a shame to 'waste' it on DH having a night out on his own! (which he can do any old time when I am home anyway!)
It just seems like a real cop out on his part to me
Disclaimer - DH is not trying to get out of looking after the children, he is happy to show what he is made of (and is very hands on at weekends etc) he is just seeing it in black and white ie. A friend is getting married. He'd like to go. MIL would be happy to babysit. Kids would be happy at MIL's. Therefore why not go?

DH has agreed not to go now (he says he wouldnt go without my blessing) but he thinks it is me saying to him 'You get to have nights out and weekends away while I am at home with the children so now you must have a turn' in a sort of punishment way.. which its not... I just cant really explain why I feel so strongly about it!

So AIBU to ask him to spend the time with the children?

Yanbu. What kind of father would want to go two weeks without seeing his children if he had the choice? Family comes first.

"If the OP wasn't going to this hen night they would both have been going to the wedding without the children anyway, because it was a child free wedding"

surely this is the most valid point raised so far.if the op wasn't going on the hen weekend she would have had no moral objections to er husband not looking after the kids for the weekend as that would have meant her missing out on the wedding. so what's the difference between both of them being at the wedding and him being at the wedding and her at a hen night.
either way both parents are awy from the kids for the purpose of having a night oput

"Saying he cant see a friend get married as you want him to stay home and see how hard work it is is a little childish"

agree that this seems very petty and pointless. i doubt that when the op wants a day off from the kids orto go out with friends he insists she goes into the office to se how hard his job is.

ooooh lots of new posts here!

To answer a few points....

DH has lots of nights out and weekends away. He is out 2 weeknights every week. Since DS2 has been born 6 months ago he has had 5 weekends away - 2 stag do's, 1 boys camping weekend, 1 weekend visiting friends and 1 wedding. I have been fine with all these.

Since DS2 was born 6 months ago I have had 2 nights out (combination of being tired with new baby, not having babysitter as DH gets in so late of an evening and not knowing a lot of people here yet as we recently moved areas)

MMJ is correct in saying that if the in laws babysat this weekend then we would feel as though we couldnt ask again for some time so would have no time out just the two of us for a while (in laws love the kids but they are older and find it very hard work especially as the baby doesnt sleep through the night yet)

If DH had booked to go away for a weekend and then I found out a distant friend was also getting married that weekend, I wouldnt dream of asking the in laws to babysit so I could go by myself, I'd just think what a shame it was we couldnt both go as we already had plans.

Regarding how well DH will manage both children on his own having never been on his own with them before. Rather than being worried about it and thinking 'best not leave him alone', I actually think its time he did learn how to manage it. One day he may need to do it in an emergency and it would be better if he had confidence!

I am reading all posts with interest here.
I fear so far that IABU.
Although I am confident that DH is accepting of my unreasonableness on this occasion seeing as I am usually VERY reasonable

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. He sounds like he gets a helluva lot of child free time. 5 weekends in the last six months = alot of time when he hasn't seen his kids! This is the wedding of a distant friend and he wants his mum to babysit for the whole weekend?

He is shirking.

Think he should certainly stay at home and look after his kids.

2p4k your DH sounds like mine . He has a good social life, loves his weekends away and nights out but is great and very hands on with the boys when he is around.

It does grate with me when I feel he should want to spend more time with the kids and relish the idea of 'daddy time' with them. I can't complain because he would never begrudge me having the same time off if I wanted it, I just don't want it as much as him or have the same opportunities for weekends away.

Out of interest, if you had not been going to this hen weekend, would you be going to the wedding? If so I think you should forget about the babysitting favours problem, as it is a side issue.

If I were you I would let this one go, simply because it is a friends wedding, and if the roles were reversed I'd be really p*ssed off if there was a way I could go and DH wouldn't 'let' me.

I said earlier that you should make it clear that he is still 'on duty' for that weekend, so if the ILs need a contact, or if a parent needs to come home for any reason it should be him, as he changed the plans.

I think that if going to this wedding means a lot to him, putting your foot down is likely to cause resentment on his part. However, if you state why you would rather he didn't go and he accepts it, then he probably is not that bothered about the wedding anyway and was just seeing it as an opportunity for another weekend away .