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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if dh changes his mind about ttc no. 4 he shouldn't rub my nose in it. :(

38 replies

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 07/08/2008 22:25

We agreed to ttc baby no. 4. Although after the first month of ttc he changed his mind.

I will admit that I am the one who yearns for number 4 more than he does and it is sooooo getting to me more than broodyness ever has done to me before.

Anyway, he changed his mind and said he doesn't want to so we went through a few days of heated discussions again which ended with me saying fine we won't ttc no. 4, even though I don't mean that at all.

However, yesterday dh comes home from work all smiles, being overly nice but not meaning it, if you know what I mean, and spends the night literally rubbing it in that we are not going to ttc no. 4.

As if I don't feel like shite about the decision anyway. He knows that I am not happy and how I feel yet he acts like a complete t**r last night in front of me.

Sorry, rant over but I am not a happy bunny.

OP posts:
missingtheaction · 07/08/2008 22:27

well, if you don't need to conceive then you don't need to have any sex do you? Sure he will think that is perfectly reasonable.

Insensitive git.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 07/08/2008 22:30

The thing is he now thinks that everything is bakck to normal and I am fine with the decision and he is all over me like a rash. Only cos he wants 'you know what' knowing that I don't want a baby, if that make sense??!

I dont want to be near him either though at the moment!

OP posts:
daffodill6 · 07/08/2008 22:34

Presumably as he's taking precautions it won't happen???
As accidents do happen as many can testify to... unless he wants to go the surgical route.. which can be explained to him in graphic detail.. if necessary lol

cthea · 07/08/2008 22:37

Sorry, but I don't understand why you agreed to something when you don't want it. What's the point in "discussing" if you're not honest with each other? Tell him you still want a 4th.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 07/08/2008 22:37

Yep, he is the one taking precautions.

I did tell him to go for a vasectomy and he was happy to, which foiled that plan as I assumed he wouldn't want to. Now I have told him not to as I didn't really want him to anyway. I WILL NOT let him have it done when I still want another baby. Even though he doesn't. Sorry sounds stupid now I have typed it!

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 07/08/2008 22:39

He knows I still want a 4th, cthea. He said I'll get over it. Which I won't. And am fed up of hearing him say in a pathetic, overly nice, patronising way that "There, there you'll get over it, it will be ok".

Sooooooo annoying when I hear that and it really doesn't help.

OP posts:
concealedidentity · 07/08/2008 22:40

Maybe he is playing reverse psychology. Do you think he is trying to take the pressure off as ttc-inc changes the sexual interaction? Is he making sex more appealing by letting it be for "pleasurable" reasons rather than for procreating?

cthea · 07/08/2008 22:40

You say "ended with me saying fine we won't ttc no. 4, even though I don't mean that at all". Only you know the games you play. I go by the little I read on here.

concealedidentity · 07/08/2008 22:41

sorry xpost

GrinningGorilla · 07/08/2008 22:42

I would def. not recommend surgical route! DH is waiting for a reversal because the scar tissue has caused granulomas which cause much pain when he.....well you know. (I may actually get number 4 after all). DH didnt want more, i did.

Sorry you are feeling so broody without being able to fulfil the broodiness. Your DH is rather insensitive to say the least.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 07/08/2008 22:45

concealedidentity, he thinks he doesn't get 'it' enough anyway. So, now it becomes about making babies it tends to happen more than it would usually. Which annoys him as he says that he only ever gets it more when making a baby is involved.

cthea, I didn't say to him that I didn't mean what I said. I said that we won't ttc number 4. He thought I genuinely meant it, I can't see how I would when he knows how strongly I feel about it.

I didn't mean what I said but didn't tell him that at the time, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Dior · 07/08/2008 22:45

Message withdrawn

thisisyesterday · 07/08/2008 22:47

waw, tis a horrible situation isn't it?

what are his reasons for not wanting number 4? what made him agree to it before?

GrinningGorilla · 07/08/2008 22:47

Would Your DH get the vasectomy done without your support?. Marie Stopes does it in a matter of minutes. Make sure he really understands you don't want him to have it done, or he may come back from work having had it done in his lunch break. (No joke)

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 07/08/2008 22:47

Hi GrinningGorilla, definately not going down the surgical route whilst I feel this way.

And cannot see my feelings changing anytime soon which is the annoying part as I can't go on like this for much longer.

I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 07/08/2008 22:48

btw, my dp has said the same about only getting sex when babies are involved lol.

we agreed to try and improve sex life generally before trying for the next one.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 07/08/2008 22:51

Hi Dior,

I do see where you are coming from. There is always another side to the argument.

thisisyesterday, I don;t know what his reasons were for agreeing to number 4 and then changing his mind to be perfectly honest

I don't think he has the brains to know he can have it done that quickly. I think he asumes it will be a hospital job and I would know.

OP posts:
GrinningGorilla · 07/08/2008 22:51

A long time ago when I was really broody and at uni (with a lovely bloke)I was nearly driven insane with the need to be pregnant and have a baby. It drove me to distraction.

I went to a chinese herbalist and got some "medicine" and it really did help. The awful broody pangs did pass. I don't know what it was (probably crushed eyeballs or something) but it did work.

CarGirl · 07/08/2008 22:52

I do understand how you feel, I am fortunate that I have my number 4 but we did nearly split up over it because I just so much wanted a 4th.

However I did have to promise that the 4th would be the last, in my head and heart I wanted 4 and I can honestly say I don't really get broody anymore, occaisionally for 1 minute perhaps but seriously I would be unhappy to find out I was pregnant.

Dh was very worried that after a 4th I would want a 5th etc etc etc and I am not allowed to even pretend/tease him about having another. I am very appreciative that he agreed to fulfilling what I wanted but I very much accepted that once she was here that was the end, no more - baby & maternity stuff all gone!

Perhaps you do need to be honest with him and say that you do very much still want a 4th and he needs to respect that and give you space to grieve for the 4th he's not willing to try for and his attitude at the moment is very hurtful and driving a wedge between you.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 07/08/2008 22:52

thisisyesterday I do try and improve it, lol! However, at the moment he isn't getting any as he has annoyed me so much!

I can't get itimate when he has been like he has over the past couple of days.

OP posts:
daffodill6 · 07/08/2008 22:54

Being practical - one of you is 'going to win and the other lose' in this debate..if you are both so strong minded. Whoever is the winner... maybe you need to ensure your relationship is strong enough to weather the storm. Why does he not want no 4? If you had 4 would you want no 5?

thisisyesterday · 07/08/2008 22:55

you do need to talk to him. tell him exactly how you feel. how much you want another one. and ask him why he doesn't. maybe you can talk it through and reach a proper agreement?

but you do need to be honest. and he does need to be sensitive to your feelings

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 07/08/2008 22:56

Hi CarGirl, long time no speaky!!! Hope you are all ok.

I do need to sit him down and tell him face to face exactly how I feel and go from there. Not whilst we are arguing but in a calm way.

He says that I said number 3 would be the last, which I did but didn't count on me feeling like this, its the worst that I have felt this way.

Lol at the crushed eyeballs, GrinningGorilla, may be a last resort, tee hee!!!!

OP posts:
fabsmum · 07/08/2008 22:58

"I don't know what else to do"

Counselling?

Because, with respect, there are probably lots of us here who have made the decision not to have more children, despite feeling broody. The feeling doesn't go away but you learn to live with it and be happy. Sometimes you have to compromise for the good of everyone in the family.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 07/08/2008 22:58

Daffodil6, my friend said exactly the same thing the other day. I know there is going to have to be a 'winner/loser' and neither of us wants to be the loser.

I said that if we have number 4 he can go for a vasectomy. Then definately no more.

I know I need to be totally honest and then go from there.

OP posts: