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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so totally utterly furious with my brother and SIL

60 replies

BananaSkin · 04/08/2008 22:14

My brother rang me in the week. We use to be very close, which his wife has a problem with (??) so after a decade and a half of her rather unhinged behaviour, we have little to do with them. Until they want something that is. He talked for quarter of an hour in the week before asking whether we would have their children for the week-end while they went to a wedding.

Well, we would, we could, but then again, since receiving abusive texts both times I have been pregnant when she is not, hearing how she shoved my then seventy-something mother while she was standing at the top of the stairs, ranting at my father, coming to stay week-ends with my parents and usually turning up after midnight etc etc, we would really rather not. The 15 years of nastiness is glossed over of course as it is in all 'nice' families. No apologies for vile and unforgiveable behaviour have been asked for and none offered. But, as you can imagine, we don't feel particularly inclined to help them out at a time that is quite inconvenient to us (middle child will have just started school and is already feeling displaced by baby).

So, what do they do in the way that only they could? They get my parents (both nearly 80) to agree to have them. Whenever I have expressed envy at my friends who go off for week-ends whilst leaving their children with their parents, my mother has expressed regret that they are too old to help. Every flaming time. I don't know who I am crosser with actually. This has happened so many times - my parents saying they are too old to babysit now, us therefore not asking, brother SIL then taking the mickey. Apologies for typos and spelling - too angry to check it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaSkin · 04/08/2008 23:09

Exactly Bunchoflowers - I'm worried that if we say yes this time, the same will happen again, and I just don't want to.

I don't like their slightly underhand way to be honest. My brother literally never calls me unless he wants something - I feel used.

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 04/08/2008 23:11

I would - not take the children. Worry about my parents. But not get involved. I certainly wouldn't let it tie me up in knots. She's 'won' if you let it get to you to this degree.

DonnyLass · 04/08/2008 23:11

Have the children.

Otherwise you are giving batty bird ammunition and likely your parents will be wiped and impact will be on you anyway.

Sending abusive texts when someone is pregnant is low.

Don't let your standards suffer because of someone else's bad behaviours. I totally understand about being fair and at the end of your tether ... but you sound lovely and you will only be cross at yourself ultimately if you change YOUR good practices.

bunchoflowers · 04/08/2008 23:13

Ugh.... totally understand where you're coming from. Is he older than you? Mine is.

If you've got a bad feeling about it, don't do it - if I were you I'd probably make some plans for that weekend which you had forgotten about, or something like that. What's a little white lie to those two, they wouldn't think twice about it, would then?

My brother never calls me either, but it's viewed as my fault that we don't have a good relationship. He will even try and humiliate me in front of his children. He's so pathetic. He's basically a selfish pig, although I think deep down somewhere he cares about me.

handlemecarefully · 04/08/2008 23:15

I think you might as well have 'doormat' and 'pushover' tattoed onto your forehead if you do take the kids.....

Don't allowed yourself to be manoeuvred into it against your will

Original poster
BananaSkin · 04/08/2008 23:19

No, younger (looks older ).

I think we both care about each other deep down too (well I do), but I am the family 'baddie' because I can't just forgive the years of nastiness. She has been a real worry to my parents in the past. She called them a couple of years ago and they thought she said he had been arrested because they had had a row. They were up virtually all night trying to find out what had happened (my Mum must have been 77/78 at this time) - only to find out they had been at home but not answering the phone/returning calls. My parents are really conservative types - this really isn't their thing at all.

Ho hum. Will sleep on it I think. Thanks all.

OP posts:
ghosty · 05/08/2008 08:15

Well, if you want to throw your toys out of the pram go for it. Don't have them.

fabsmum · 05/08/2008 08:28

Have the children.

I've had 13 years of snubbing and spite from my SIL, so I have some idea how you feel. I've carried on being nice to my SIL despite really vile, bullying behaviour from her over the years. I let it all out by writing her the odd letter telling her what I think of her - then tearing it up. I'm really proud of the fact that I've managed to be accepting and kind to her in the face of everything, and I've managed to maintain a loving relationship with my brother, which is the most important thing.

So have the kids. Do it for your parents.

chelsygirl · 05/08/2008 08:42

banana, no way would I have her kids. Why should you?

And you'll have to tell your brother the kids are too much for mum and dad, he'll have to get other arrangements

I know how hard this is, my mum is 81 and has agreed to financial matters with my sister for a quiet life without realising the consequences and it makes me mad my sister being totally selfish

good luck, YANBU

chelsygirl · 05/08/2008 08:43

I'm getting too old to "rise above it", I think now stuff it, if someone is shite to me they'll get it back

TheMadHouse · 05/08/2008 08:51

I think that you should think of your mum and dad and the children.

IMO life is too short and if something happened your would never forgive yourself.

I know you dont want to pick up your toys - but....... you know it is the right thing to do.

Original poster
BananaSkin · 05/08/2008 09:00

Opinion seems very split. Most probably, I think, between those with difficult SILs and those without!

OP posts:
kitbit · 05/08/2008 09:01

Let them go to your parents. Then go and help your parents. You won't have "given in" but neither will your parents have to care for the children alone.

She sounds horrible.
Will your parents really not say no?

Katisha · 05/08/2008 09:11

That does seems to be the best compromise. For them to go to your parents and then you turn up as well.

I have experience of someone, in fact more than one person (our family is a nutter magnet) causing strife between family members because of their own sheer lunacy and unpleasantness. Because we are the sort of people who don't like a scene, they were never challenged and all was swept under the carpet as you say in your first post. Thank heavens eventually the worst offender finally pushed it too far and is now off the scene.

We are the sort of family that dislikes conflict and therefore much damage was done, and these people weren't challenged enough. It's really difficult isnt it. Do you think this may be the crisis that provokes you saying something straight to your brother about his exploitation of your parents rather than making excuses and hoping they get the vibes (which they won't).

Original poster
BananaSkin · 05/08/2008 09:58

Things have moved on actually. My Mother is disappointed that we didn't immediately offer to help. She is so desperate not to loose contact with my brother, she can't see why I feel like I do about my SIL.

It is a very difficult situation to describe on an internet forum. In the early years my SIL told my brother she hoped my parents would both die of cancer (my Dad has cancer, so she got that wish). She called my second child a 'F***ing baby' when I was pregnant. We still eventually asked her to be Godmother to keep the peace (crazy, but true).

I think I'm fuelling my own upset even typing this, so I'll end now, but thank you all for your thoughs on this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaSkin · 05/08/2008 09:59

'thoughts', not 'thoughs' obviously!

OP posts:
Heifer · 05/08/2008 10:12

I would have looked at it this way.

I loved my parents much more than I hated my SIL so I would have helped, either by having the children stay with me (but telling brov the reason why was that you thought it was too much for your parents),

or by letting the children stay with your parents but going over to help out (take the children out for the day etc).

I used to be very cross with my brov/SIL when I thought that they dumped the children on my parents, but found out when I had DD that my mum offered to look after her even if she had other plans and didn't tell me about them). Parents tell one child one thing and another child another thing. My mum would never tell my brov/sil how tired it made them looking after their children, but would tell me.

Dropdeadfred · 05/08/2008 10:15

I could not have let my elderly parents look after 3 children unaided - especially a 3 yr old.

I can see why your parents are desperate to keep contact with your brother.
I agree that your concerns over your parents (and the children whilst in their care!!) should overrule your feelings for your SIL.

Original poster
BananaSkin · 05/08/2008 10:39

'I used to be very cross with my brov/SIL when I thought that they dumped the children on my parents, but found out when I had DD that my mum offered to look after her even if she had other plans and didn't tell me about them). Parents tell one child one thing and another child another thing. My mum would never tell my brov/sil how tired it made them looking after their children, but would tell me'. - they don't look after hours. My Mum always says it is too much work at their age, so we don't ask them.

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaSkin · 05/08/2008 10:41

What an honourable lot you are! I used to think like this too - I think 15 years of rubbish must have taken its toll, and I am disappointed in myself.

To rub salt into the wound, it's for my SIL to go to a wedding of someone that she spends half her time falling out with anyway!

OP posts:
CaptFabioHiltsCatInTheCooler · 05/08/2008 10:48

I would take the children. Or at least take them off your parents' hands for the day time. I would give them a brilliant weekend of staying up late, eating sweets and as many fun trips out as I could afford.

Becoming favourite Aunty BananaSkin bound to get up SIL's nose.
Children all have great time.
Your parents see gcs but aren't exhausted.
Everybody wins.

Heifer · 05/08/2008 10:52

I do understand BS, although I know my mum would have I didn't ask often (Especially once she got cancer, but she still would have)..

My brother/SIL still asked, despite it being too much for my mum. And as they asked she said yes...

Just know that you are the better person in all this, you know your parents can't really cope, so you don't ask them to look after yours.

I still think it would be good for you to help out, and you will feel good about it afterwards. Just remember, you are not helping your SIL out, you are helping your parents ..

PS I am not honourable, but having lost both my parents I see things differently to how I may have done years ago...

TheBlonde · 05/08/2008 10:52

I would not take the children
Your parents need to say no if they can't cope, otherwise it's up to them to deal with

Heifer · 05/08/2008 10:55

that's harsh... some parents are just too kind and don't want to say no (whether they can actually cope of not)....

Miggsie · 05/08/2008 11:00

Oh weirdiness, but this sounds like MY mad SIL and my brother, who lets her get away with it.
Basically I have stopped even pretending to be nice and my Dad has said he would not lift a finger for them any more. My brother has been informed bluntly by both me and my dad that we find his wife's behaviour unacceptable (we put up with it for years)and we will not house-sit while they swan off round the place on 5 star holidays...

I would not be blackmailed into taking the kids.
Speak plainly to your parents, tell them about how you find SIL an abusive cow and your brother is letting her shit on his own family so frankly needs to sort himself out.
Tell your parents they also should not be blackmailed into looking after the children.
Insist on talking about it, you are basically letting this woman trash brother and 3 children's lives, and what happens? She is allowed to do it...she'll not change, and she'll pass this terrible attitude to the kids.

I would also suggest that living in a household with a mother who is barking will mean the kid's idea of behaviour is poor and no wonder they are a handfull.
Tell your brother he should sort himself out for the sake of the kids and stop letting them perpetuate the shite behaviour of SIL.

I've been there within my own family so I think YANBU.

My brother has finally spoken to his wife after 20 years to say he thinks she is out of order...better late than never, but he finally has had enough, she started belting the kids you see.