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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I probably am but I don't want ds to go to Ireland for 5 days with his dad because....

36 replies

AvenaLife · 27/07/2008 22:49

his dad moved 5 years ago because he was bored. He origionally said he'd fly over and see ds once a month. This has never happened. He's seen ds twice this year, once last year, not at all the year before. He only phones at christmas and ds's birthday, he's written once and never emailed ds. He wants ds to go and spend a week with him. I mind a little but I know it will be nice for ds to spend time with his dad and stepmum, however, his dad never responds to emails, I've asked him to confirm a date so I know when he wants ds to go, he's not done this. I've also asked him to find out whether ds needs a passport. He's not done this either. I've also asked him (several times) if he could phone/write/email ds every couple of weeks to ask him how he is and show ds that he's interested in him. He's not done this either. I don't want ds to leave his home and me for someone that can't be bothered to phone him. He does pay regular maintenance wich makes a small dent in what I pay out for ds every month but other then this we get nothing. Am I being unreasonable here? ds is 9 by the way, I've always looked after him by myself after his dad left before he as born. I want ds to have a relationship with him but I can't just be expected to hand him over to someone who ds doesn't know.

OP posts:

muggglewump · 27/07/2008 22:53

YANBU.
Don't go along with it.
It's outrageous that your ex would even think about taking your DS away after not bothering much with him before now.

abbieslife · 27/07/2008 22:53

YANBU. I wouldn't allow a 9 year old to spend a week with someone who is effectively a stranger. If your x wants a relationship with his DS he should do the running.

roisin · 27/07/2008 22:55

Does your ds want to go? At 9 surely he's old enough to have considerable say in the matter.

Btw, yes, he does need a passport.

Original poster

AvenaLife · 27/07/2008 22:59

I keep telling him but it's getting me no where. I had an email a couple of weeks ago asking if I'd sorted his passport out and giving me a guilt trip about me not wanting ds to have a free holiday, I asked him to find out if ds needed one because I have to buy his uniform and can't spare the cash and for a date and he's still not got back to me. I sent it again last week with a nag about ds being a child and he needs to make more contact and show ds he's interested but again, nothing. I feel like ds is a toy for him to pick up and put down when he can be bothered. He often comes over without warning, I had paid for train tickets to take ds to London last time and he had a go at me over the phone because I didn't want to cancel because he'd not bothered to let me know. ds had a day off school so he could see his dad. It really pisses me off.

OP posts:

Original poster

AvenaLife · 27/07/2008 23:03

ds hasn't said anything about it. He say's he doesn't mind but he has never left me for more than 1 night. He'd be very easy to talk around as he's a real mummy's boy but I'd never do that. He's only ever had me, I've done everything for him and I've always been there. He's really attached to me because of this. I don't know if he'd be OK.

OP posts:

inyourshoestheotherwayround · 27/07/2008 23:50

I don't think yabu at ALL. I live in Ireland and my children's English father visits them here. NO WAY would I let them go to England unaccompanied.

Just keep saying "you may visit him here" like a dripping tap. Don't try to reason with him. Just keep saying "you may visit him here".

Original poster

AvenaLife · 27/07/2008 23:58

I've never refused him access (except for when I took ds to London, I'd already arranged it all and he phoned the night before despite asking him for some warning so I could make sure ds was free). He twists things so he's the agrieved person and makes it sound like I'm the one that's being unreasonable. Then he moans to his family, ds has not had a birthdsy card from his aunt and uncle for 4 years. I have explained that ds won't want to go over if he makes no effort to contact him, he thinks that his odd visit once or twice a year is enough though. He only emailed because I saw his dad and told him he wanted ds to go over but we'd heard nothing from him. It's sad for him and ds that they are both missing out, not ds as much though IYSWIM.

OP posts:

herbietea · 28/07/2008 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

AvenaLife · 28/07/2008 00:09

He's only had him for a few hours at a time since he moved, all but one of these occasions he's had his mum there so he's not had ds by himself. ds's gran wanted to take ds over a few years ago but ds got really upset so I said no. She kept trying to talk ds into it by offering him things, I got grief off the ex saying I'd said things to ds to upset him and make him stay here. His dad's excuse is that he can't come over here all the time and ds is old enough to go over there. I'm always made out to be the bad person.

OP posts:

mummytokatieandhannah · 28/07/2008 01:07

YANBU at all. Personally I wouldn't let him go he just doesn't know him, and if he can't be bothered to fly over to see his son why should your son be expected to go over to another country and spend a week with strangers? I'd just tell him a definate no, then let him try and get access. No court would let your 9 year old DS go over there without regular contact with his dad first. Oh and the guilt trip thing, IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE! Hard I know but you don't have to justify your actions to your ex or his family, they'll think badly of you anyway because you're his ex.

Elf · 28/07/2008 09:15

Good grief Avena, sounds like a nightmare. I really agree with you. I would say no too. Sounds like the useless man couldn't get your ds's passport sorted so it won't happen anyway Don't you do it or pay for it ffs.

HonoriaGlossop · 28/07/2008 09:40

with that level of previous contact I wouldn't feel happy either and I wouldn't be surprised if your ds found it quite scary when it actually came to going - the reality of it

Having said that though at this age and from now on it COULD be really important to your ds to know his dad better. What I might do (if money not too much of a problem) would be to take ds over, and stay with him there, letting him have days out with his dad. Bit of a middle ground, gives ds the chance to have that time with his dad but in a more controlled, appropriate way.

I wouldn't get too hung up on 'well he should come over' - yes ideally he should but your ds has been invited by his dad and I'd want to support that as much as possible, purely for ds' sake.

VinegarTits · 28/07/2008 09:43

Tell him to cough up for the passport payment, and dont chase after him about emails, if he doesnt send them thats his loss!

Original poster

AvenaLife · 28/07/2008 15:39

Thanks ladies. I'm not going to email to chase it up again, I have offered to take ds over and stay in a B&B with him whist he see's his dad and stepmum but this has not been mentioned since. I can't really afford it anyway because I'll have to replace my passport as it's expired and buy ds's. He did offer months ago to pay for ds's as long as I sent him the form, birth certificate etc but I don't feel comfortable with his dad having access to his passport IYSWIM. I am a single mum and sole carer for ds. I know that he would put his own details on the passport form if he had the chance and I don't 100% trust him to bring ds back.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/07/2008 15:47

It probably doesn't really help, but you don't need a passport to go to Ireland. You do need photo ID, so if you have a driving licence you don't need to renew your passport. I don't suppose DS has a driving license though lol!

I wouldn't let my DS travel alone in the circumstances though.

elmoandella · 28/07/2008 16:00

"I don't 100% trust him to bring ds back."

doesn't matter who's detaisl you put on form.

the actual passport doesn't hold those details.

well not on any of my 2's passports (fathers italian)

even if you filled out form, his dad could do whatever he wants.if ds is in irelanf and your over here, and they have passport. there is absolutely nothing to stop him taking him. dont wanna scare you. but your line above is worrying.

so if you dont trust him.

he shouldn't go.

simple as that.

CuckooClockWise · 28/07/2008 20:40

Well, if you don't 100% trust him to bring back your son, then never mind about who PAYS for the passport, get him a British passport ASAP and apply for a certificate of sole guardianship which you can down load off the internet and get stamped by a solicitor for about a tenner. Do you have one or would you like me to post a link?

elmoandella · 28/07/2008 20:41

cuckoo whats the sole guardianship thing?

CuckooClockWise · 28/07/2008 20:44

ps, if your x gets him an Irish passport first then you can not get him another passport, not without lying on the form anyway, so vite vite non amie.

If your son has 1) a uk passport 2) you have certificate of sole guardian ship and 3) your son has lived in the UK then if your x took him to Ireladn he would be violating the terms of the Hague convention by removing your son from his habitual domicile.

He would be breaking the law and you would have the British Police and the Gardaí behind you.

Even so,,,,, get the British passport, nail his colours to the mast more definitely iykwim.

CuckooClockWise · 28/07/2008 20:47

My solicitor advised me to get one done. I'll post the link now. It's not absolutely protection, but my solicitor said that just getting my children Irish passports and formalising certificates of sole guardianship would clarify their nationality in the event of a bunfight (which thankfully never kicked off).

The certificate is European, so the same for UK and Ireland. You have probably guessed I am the poster "inyourshoestheotherwayround" from earlier in the thread!

Original poster

AvenaLife · 28/07/2008 20:47

ISWYM. Thankyou. He's set up an email account for ds, which is good so they can contact each other more. I'll sort the passport out myself and take him over for a few days. I havn't told ex yet.

Thankyou for all your advice.

OP posts:

CuckooClockWise · 28/07/2008 20:51

Affadavitt

No reason to panic. Just take these sensibles steps to protect your position in the event of worst case scenario.

noonki · 28/07/2008 20:53

YANBU at all.

If you don't trust him 100% to bring him back don't even think about it. There are several horrible cases of international child abduction I have come across through work.

from your OP it sounds as if you're putting your son's welfare at the forefront, you are not denying access at all, unfortunatley his father is not a decent father.

And in my opinion your son's best interest is to not stay with a man he hardly knows.

elmoandella · 28/07/2008 20:55

i'm scottish. kids have uk passports. but they go regularly to italy to see gp's with their dad. he's full italian still with italian passport. could easily get duel passport and get them italian. we've looked into it. coz his name is on birth certificate thats all consulate need.

we're still getting on great. but things can be pretty rocky.

i'm just wondering what this sole quardianship would mean for us incase we ever split up. (long engagement. not sure if i will ever marry. not into the whole idea of spending a fortune for a piece of paper)

CuckooClockWise · 28/07/2008 20:58

Have you heard of the case of Mr G Ms O in the UK? It was all over the news in Ireland. A couple split up, he was Irish,she English. She took the children to UK, and eventually after several court battles the European court of Appeal ordered her to return the children to Ireland. As a Awful for the mother. But feel reassured. The courts will not look sympathetically on a parent removing the child from his 'habitual' country.

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