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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit miffed about Bil.

56 replies

Milkysallgone · 24/07/2008 12:29

In a few weeks time it is ds's 2nd birthday, which actually falls on a Thursday so we are planning on having a small BBQ with close family as a celebration on the Saturday.

Bil has known about these plans for some time, and when the subject came up a couple of weeks ago he mentioned that his finacee's Dad and siblings were supposed be coming to stay withn them that weekend, but probably weren't arriving until Sunday anyway. We said they were all more than welcome to come if they should arrive on Saturday.

So dh was chatting on the phone to him last night and he says "I won't be coming over for ds's BBQ weekend as fiancee's family are now coming up on Saturday to spend the week with us". They are about 6hrs away from Bil's house and Bil has apparently offered to buy a train ticket which will take him 2.5hrs south, in order to meet fiancee's family and drive the last leg of the journey for her Dad.

The Dad is fit and healthy and as far as I'm aware, perfectly capable of completing the journey without Bil's assistance. Now I know it's up to him how he wants to spend his time etc, but I was just so when dh told me this. Bil is, to put it politely 'thrifty', it's just so out of character for him to do something that will take him out of his way and put him out of pocket.

He told dh "I'm not bothered about coming to the BBQ anyway, I'll just pop over and see ds on another day". He thinks it all revolves around him and I just find it incredibly rude. He's obviously just licking fil to be's backside. .

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 24/07/2008 12:57

YABU

my kids' only aunt and uncle (dp's brother and sister) have never met my ds who will be 2 on monday. they haven't seen dd since she was 17 months old and have met her a grand total of 3 times each... all of those times we brought her to them.

they don't get presents from them for birthdays and christmas and have never once rung to see how they're doing.

be fucking grateful your bil is involved at all and stop being so precious about a toddler's birthday party.

he's obviously going out of his ay for the future inlaws as he wants to start of on the right foot with them before the marriage.... get over yourself and ask him if he needs and help while they're staying.

RubySlippers · 24/07/2008 12:58

well we don't know him

his behaviour therefore sounds really nice

i still can't get my head around how doing something nice for his future BIL is such a bad thing in your eyes

unless this is a £££ issue as you say he is usually thrifty

Kewcumber · 24/07/2008 12:58

you said "arse licking" not strange.

RubySlippers · 24/07/2008 12:58

future FIL

ComeOVeneer · 24/07/2008 13:02

How on earth has this "put you out"? You haven't had to change your plans etcin any way. I think YABU and a trifle self centred tbh.

Original poster
Milkysallgone · 24/07/2008 13:04

PInktulips - sorry your dc's don't have a good relationship with their uncle, but I don't think you need to be so agrressive and swear at me.

OP posts:
nametaken · 24/07/2008 13:05

YABU
and precious
and self-absorbed
sorry

ThePettyandIllinformedGoat · 24/07/2008 13:05

omg he do doesn't want to spend the afternoon at a 2 year olds birthday party and in the company of an hysterical sil! what is wrong with him.

tbh i would avoid my own dd's birthday parties if i could think of a good enough excuse. YABU

Original poster
Milkysallgone · 24/07/2008 13:06

I said I feel put out.

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 24/07/2008 13:10

Ok you feel put out. I still don't understand what you feel put out about. None of yourplans have changed at all, there is nothing to feel put out about.

lulumama · 24/07/2008 13:14

thanks ruby

i don;t understand why you feel put out

i really don't

if you think he is weird or odd or there are other issues, then fair enough, but on the surface he is doing a lovely thing for his fiancee's father

and taht makes you shake your head

Original poster
Milkysallgone · 24/07/2008 13:16

Don't think I can explain my feeling in a clearer way. It isn't all about me, or even my ds. It isn't a childrens party Btw, and their grandmother who neither see all that often will be coming too.

Looks as though I won't get any sympathy over here then .

OP posts:
Worryingaboutit · 24/07/2008 13:23

Milky - YABU, every single poster has said so. Just hold your hands up to it.

He doesn't think it all revolves around him - that would involve something like asking you to rearrange the date for one more convenient to him. Kind of like the way you expect him not to help his FIL to be out just to suit you - you think it all revolves around you.

Your attitude to your BIL and his new family absolutely stinks.

Also, you say his fiancee drives - I drive, but not long distances, certainly not 2.5 hours down a motorway.

lulumama · 24/07/2008 13:24

dunno, it just comes across as 'how dare my brother miss the party to spend time with his fiancee and do a favour for h er dad. his FIL to be' i don;t get it !

hey ho

hope your DS has a lovely day

love2sleep · 24/07/2008 13:25

What do you think he should have done differently?

wannaBe · 24/07/2008 13:30

I don't see that you have anything to be put out about tbh.

It's a bbq. which, given the weather athm, probably won't even happen anyway.

his fiance's family are coming up and he's offered to help. Even if this is out of character for him normally I don't see why him doing this is any of your business really. Maybe his fiance is a really good influence on him. Maybe he likes her family and actually wants to put himself out for them, as opposed to his own family (and marriage-related family) who seem to expect him to be there even if he doesn't want to be.

Original poster
Milkysallgone · 24/07/2008 13:31

Thanks Lulu .

Lovetosleep - I don't think he should have done anything differently as such. I'm not outraged that he isn't coming, both dh and I are just at his motives for helping out I suppose. I know it is a nice thing to do but we both know (and love) bil and the way he usually is. If I say any more you lot will flame me even more!

OP posts:
love2sleep · 24/07/2008 13:35

oh go on - say some more

Do you suspect him of ulterior motives?

Maybe his fiancee is pregnant?

wannaBe · 24/07/2008 13:38

does the fiance's family have pots of money and he wants to get his hands on it?

Is he marrying her for her money and is therefore sucking up to daddy to get his hands on it?

does she not have any brothers so to daddy he is going to be like the son he never had and?

wannaBe · 24/07/2008 13:41

seriously though, we all do things for ILs that we might not do for others - especially in the beginning of a relationship. Presumably once they are married his true colours will show and the ILs will see him for the selfish inconsiderate twat you all know him to be.

Given he never does anything for anyone anyway why are you surprised he's not coming to your ds' party?

Original poster
Milkysallgone · 24/07/2008 13:42

Stop it!! .

Any further talk would be debasing Bil's good character and that makes me sound like even more of a bitch!

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 24/07/2008 13:43

Why on earth does he have to have "motives"? is it beyond the realms of all possibility that he is just being nice? Doesn't say much for what your opinion of BIL is

kerala · 24/07/2008 13:45

Also at 2 they dont really get it anyway. We ditched the idea of party and went to a childrens farm. The look of happiness on DD face as she fed the lambs and rode on the tractor eclipsed anything she might have felt at a noisy party really orientated at the adults there.

Original poster
Milkysallgone · 24/07/2008 13:45

Right point taken. I will concede that being cross about not coming to the BBQ is U, but at least allow me to raise eyebrows over the good deed??

OP posts:
love2sleep · 24/07/2008 13:46

Nah. She's definitely pregnant. All the clues are there...

can't drive a long journey.
wants her fiancee with her when she sees her family.
making her of a fiancee behave nicely to her family.

it must be so!