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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friend punished my son

37 replies

elmoandella · 23/07/2008 20:58

ok,not so much as an aibu. just want clarification and some points of view.

was at my friends house. ds was acting up. he's going thru a bit of a stage of misbehaving.i spent the whole morning putting him in corner for time outs.
i have to hold him there coz otherwise he just runs off when we're out and about.

one of the times my friend took him out my hands and put him on the stairs and told him off. i was kinda having a stressful morning already with his behaviour. i'm a SAHM so getting pretty wound up dealing with his behaviour 24/7.

i know i sat there with a face of thunder. and she gave me a lecture on how he should just sit on the steps like he was doing when she put him there. (think he only did it coz he was so shocked by someone other than me or dh was giving him a telling)

she txt me later that day and next day to apologise. without me saying anything. dont know if one of the other girls said something. as i never said anything to anyone.

i felt like a real failure and embarassed as i'm trying really hard to get him and dd (11 month and wild_) to behave.

OP posts:

minouminou · 23/07/2008 21:02

my initial response is that she was trying to be helpful, as maybe she saw you getting stressed, but realised she'd upset you
i think this needs talking through openly, or it might fester a bit
she's made the 1st move, so she's willing to talk/set boundaries etc

Thisismynewname · 23/07/2008 21:05

Whatever you do, don't lose sight of the fact that she's apologised. She's obviously realised her actions could have been hurtful to you.

itati · 23/07/2008 21:05

It isn't worth losing a friend over.

Sometimes I wish a friend would step in for me and I have asked them a couple of times.

Your son probably DID sit there in shock, have more confidence when you next put him there, pretend you are her if it helps.

Male it up with her.

itati · 23/07/2008 21:05

It isn't worth losing a friend over.

Sometimes I wish a friend would step in for me and I have asked them a couple of times.

Your son probably DID sit there in shock, have more confidence when you next put him there, pretend you are her if it helps.

Male it up with her.

Original poster

elmoandella · 23/07/2008 21:05

the bit that gets me the most was she took him out my hands when i was trying to wrestle him into a corner after trying to ride dd like a horse. felt a bit like i was being undermined i suppose.

maybe i'm just being touchy?

OP posts:

Original poster

elmoandella · 23/07/2008 21:07

oh, and we have made it up. as i said. only really asked for clarification if i should be feeling this way?

OP posts:

vixma · 23/07/2008 21:08

It sounds like this person was trying to help you out. Dont judge them to harshly as they have obviously seen they upset you but looks like they had your best intrests in heart....as they have contacted you to say sorry. Hopefully your child isnt too horrified by the situation, all the best.

Thisismynewname · 23/07/2008 21:08

I honestly think she was just trying to help. She was probably dying of frustration watching you struggle all morning and just wanted to help you out. Don't think it was an attempt to undermine you - although if you feel that it did then certainly discuss it with her.

emmared1980 · 23/07/2008 21:09

Hi, sounds like she could see you were stressed out and was just trying to help. I'd ring her or text her as she is probably sitting at home worrying that she has upset you. I'm sure it wasn't meant in a bad way.

itati · 23/07/2008 21:09

TBH I would probably feel the same, like she thought she could do better than me, so yes you are fine to feel down but don't let it fester. It probably won't happen again.

HumphreySmallPillow · 23/07/2008 21:11

Sounds like she could see you were stressed, and was trying to help by dealing with the situation for you.

She then realised that she had over-stepped the mark, and apologised.

I think you should accept her apology, and move on. It sounds like she is a good friend, who just misjudged the situation a bit.

Ooh, and don't feel a failure or be embarrassed - everyone's little ones have played up at some time or other.

Original poster

elmoandella · 23/07/2008 21:11

thanks everyone. thinking perhaps she wasn't being judgemental about my parenting. just trying to help. she can be forward with her advice. it's one of the things i like about her funnily

OP posts:

bythepowerofgreyskull · 23/07/2008 21:12

I understand how you feel but can also see what she was trying to do.

I have a friend whose son is a nightmare, she threatens him with me if you don't behave I will tell Greyskull to get you to sit down.

It works, he sits down for me because we don't have an emotional situation between us. I tell him to stop hitting a child (with her consent) and he stops, if she tells him he laughs and runs off.

I think she is a good friend for you to have. (but I would say that after telling you the above )

Twiglett · 23/07/2008 21:13

children listen to other people's voices .. I think your friend was being helpful and looking after you and you may owe her an apology tbh

although she should apologise for lecturing you which she has obviously realised and has done

so rather than feel like a failure you should feel grateful you have a friend who cares enough to help you out and apologise when she realises she's overstepped the line

Sim43 · 23/07/2008 21:19

Hey think of the blackmail you could use....If you don't behave I will ring (friends name) and get her to come round and sort you out!!!! Te He

BalloonSlayer · 23/07/2008 21:21

This isn't very helpful but I love other people telling my kids off.

It makes them realise that I am not the only killjoy in the world, and other people disapprove of their behaviour at times too.

Sometimes people (usually old people!) have even told them off for doing something that I allow them to do. They have looked at me stunned - I have just shrugged and reminded them that different people have different rules and they are going to have to get used to that.

wotulookinat · 23/07/2008 21:22

Sounds like she was trying to help, to be honest. She's apologised so let it drop - certainly not worth losing a friend over.

slim22 · 23/07/2008 21:31

ok in my book, she was trying to help and has apologised.

minouminou · 23/07/2008 21:34

i think you know this, OP, but you're just looking for proof that you're right (IYSWIM)
i've got an arrangement with a close chum to tell off each other's DS's in certain circs, so maybe you could come up with similar
i think you thought you should've been upset, as these days, other people aren't supposed/expected to touch/tell off/etc your children, but i think it's a good thing (in moderation)
but yeah, deffo not worth losing what sounds like a good friend over

smellyeli · 23/07/2008 21:37

I understand exactly how you feel - I get tense if anyone tells off my children, even (especially?)my mother, as it seems to undermine my own methods. It's like my mother-in-law offering to help me clean - you mean my standards aren't high enough for you?? So I personally feel it's just about OK to tell off other people's children, but probably not to actually discipline them.

colacubes · 23/07/2008 21:40

She was probably a little forceful with her opinion, shouldn't really have jumped in without your say so, but she was probably wanting to make your life easier.

I know from my own experience there are many kids I see in shops etc kicking off and i feel like going over and saying, "Now listen here little man, blah blah" I think she only did what she did because she cares.

Hecate · 23/07/2008 23:31

Takes a village to raise a child, as they say. Not so many years ago it was perfectly normal for any adult to correct a child, and children were better for it.

Sounds like your friend noticed you were stressed out and was trying to support you by helping with your child. Realised after that you didn't like it, and is apologising.

Personally, I'd be thanking her for her show of solidarity! Kids can be hard work and a team effort can be really helpful.

PinkTulips · 23/07/2008 23:40

i think being told of by someone outside of the family can be the key to helping a child understand that it's not just mom and dad who don't like certain behaviour but everyone else as well.

there's a woman at our toddler group with 2 very difficult kids, one of whom attacks other kids every time she's there. her mother has asked us all to step in and give out to her and deal with her if we're close by as she finds it seems to have more of an effect than when she does it.

i wouldn't be upset, she obviously saw you were having a rough day and just wanted you to be able to sit back for 2 minutes while he was dealt with by someone else.... it was sweet if a little misguided when she doesn't know you that well.

she's right btw.... you have to force him to stay by himself otherwise he'll act out in order to get 2 minutes of one to one mommy and him time.

silvercrown · 24/07/2008 19:37

I had a friend who once told me that I should feel ok about punishingher children if they misbehaved at my home and I felt awkward because I felt that I wouldn't dare even with permission. I try to keep my mouth shut but I am aware that I have friends who are only too happy to tell off my kids no matter where we are and tbh the only time it winds me up is when they ignore their own child's bad behaviour. I hate being preached to when their kids are just as bad if not worse at times. I think your friend was trying to help you out - if your child won't listen to you (because you are mum and will love child anyway they think they can push boundaries) then it takes someone else to "shock" them as you say. It's a very difficult situation but she saw you being stressed out and was trying to take the pressure off you. If you are truly unhappy with her taking the matter out of your hands then it's probably best to tell her so but personally I think you should let her punish your child if needs be - they'll appreciate you more as a the nice mummy!!!!

ll31 · 25/07/2008 08:35

I think fact that she apologised completely resolves situation - ie she obv realised she'd upset you . .. that said I don't think I'd dream of disciplining someone elses child with their mother there - tho as she's friedn, and apologised prob she was just trying to help . .. Sounds like really good friend actually - - - apologising isn't easy!

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