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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friend punished my son

37 replies

elmoandella · 23/07/2008 20:58

ok,not so much as an aibu. just want clarification and some points of view.

was at my friends house. ds was acting up. he's going thru a bit of a stage of misbehaving.i spent the whole morning putting him in corner for time outs.
i have to hold him there coz otherwise he just runs off when we're out and about.

one of the times my friend took him out my hands and put him on the stairs and told him off. i was kinda having a stressful morning already with his behaviour. i'm a SAHM so getting pretty wound up dealing with his behaviour 24/7.

i know i sat there with a face of thunder. and she gave me a lecture on how he should just sit on the steps like he was doing when she put him there. (think he only did it coz he was so shocked by someone other than me or dh was giving him a telling)

she txt me later that day and next day to apologise. without me saying anything. dont know if one of the other girls said something. as i never said anything to anyone.

i felt like a real failure and embarassed as i'm trying really hard to get him and dd (11 month and wild_) to behave.

OP posts:

Triathlete · 26/07/2008 00:25

What Hecate said.

shybaby · 26/07/2008 01:19

My friend has no problem with giving my kids a telling off (actually just dd!). I dont ask her to but she has taken it upon herself a couple of times (she knows how awful dd is). Im grateful, dd listens far more to her than to me, it may just be a good thing

alipiggie · 26/07/2008 05:25

I am always so relieved when my close friends step in and help out. They know that as a single working mum life can be really really tough and believe me, boy do my kids listen . It enforces what I'm doing rather than shows me up - that's the way I view it. It was hard the first time admittedly. You are lucky that your friend wanted to help. There are many who would glare and not offer any help whatsoever. I'm glad you made it up. Try not to dwell on it. (And I know that's easier said than done)

sabire · 26/07/2008 07:14

I agree with Hecate's comment about it 'taking a whole village to raise a child'. I feel very uncomfortable when my children get ticked off by other adults but I also feel that they have to understand that their behaviour isn't just a concern to people in their immediate family.

It does make you feel like a 'bad mum' when someone else steps in with your child, but you have to just try and swallow those feelings. Some children are easier to pull in line than others. Some parents are better at disciplining than others. Can't be helped - parenting is tough and we can't always be good at everything. And sometimes you just run out of energy when you've got 'high spirited' children!

I think your friend sounds really sensitive and nice. You're lucky! Don't forget though that if she had your kids all day she'd probably be wanting a bit of help too( don't mean that in a mean way - my three are really hard work - very shouty, hyper and volatile. In the past DD has reduced other adults practically to tears with her 'in yer face' non-stop talking and flouncing. But they have a huge, huge capacity for joy. like me, I'm sure you wouldn't change your children for the world). Also, that your children will behave better for other people than they will for you - I think that's almost a universal rule. Unless you're really scary and domineering!

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 26/07/2008 08:52

Another that agrees with Hecate. And another one that is used as a threat to some other children.
I have a couple of frineds in particular that we correct other people children when we are together. I actually love it because ike someone else said far from undermining me it re-inforces what I am saying and the shock of someone else actually stepping in and backing me up can be great.

AbbeyA · 26/07/2008 09:11

I agree with Hecate, there is many a time I want to correct a DC but I bite my tongue. Your friend apologised, I expect she was just fed up with him and acted on impulse.

wb · 26/07/2008 10:10

I too agree w. Hecate (but secretly find it difficult if someone else tells off my child)

mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 26/07/2008 10:46

tbh i think she was just trying to help you. Sometimes children will listen to anyone apart from their own parents and it probably wouldnt do him any harm to know that even though he is in someone elses house it doesnt mean that there are no boundries. I do however see that it would have felt undermining to you so I appreciate how you felt.

lucyellensmum · 26/07/2008 10:52

elmoandella - i would have felt exactly the same, but it sounds like exactly as you tell it. He was at someone else telling him off and it did the trick, it so often does with children. They KNOW how far they can push mummy and daddy, they spend half their time devising ways of pushing your further So when someone else tells them off it is unknown territory and they put up and shut up. I'm pretty sure it would have been the same if you disciplined her child - so it does not reflect on your parenting skills or ability to discipline in any way whatsoever. Also, our own children can press our buttons, if it were others we can be more objective.

Glad you were able to patch things up with your friend, you two sound like you make a good team.

edam · 26/07/2008 11:10

I don't mind at all if someone else tells ds off if he's being a pain. When did all this precious 'only parents are allowed to tell their children off' thing happen, anyway? When I was little, any passing grown up would admonish us if we were playing up.

It's no wonder we've got problems with teenagers not respecting adults or behaving if no-one apart from their own parents has ever been allowed to point out the error of their ways.

I do tell other children off if they are being naughty, although not if their own parents are already dealing with it. But agree with everyone else, sounds as if your friend saw you in tight spot and tried to help.

mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 26/07/2008 11:15

I was going to add that I dont have a problem with my friends telling my children off if they are doing something inappropriate. We are lucky in that we run a very very small playgroup where everyone knows everyone else socially too so none of us have a problem putting any of the children straight. and TBH they tend to listen better than if their own parents said it.

bohemianbint · 26/07/2008 11:16

If she "gave me a lecture on how he should just sit on the steps", then I can see how that would get your back up, it comes across as insinuating that you're doing it wrong and she knows better. Which is very annoying. I doubt she meant anything bad by it though, glad to hear you have made up.

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