To wonder if SIL's smoking is the cause of this?

[Flossish]

Her DD is 5 months old and has been in hospital with croup. Her eldest used to have this and athsma, but mirculously improved when she gave up smoking when pregnant. Now she has started again as an 'appetite suppressant' and within weeks her DD has exactly the same problems.

There are lots of things that go on which make Dp and I uncomfortable about her choices.

For example, her DD this morning was very poorly and had to be rushed to hospital, but not until SIl had updated her facebook status informing everyone of this.

So not the priority.

are you worried she is incompetent or has poor judgement Flossish?who supports SIL?

we-ll, perhaps updating her face book with this information was easier for her than ringing round people!
you not like her veyr much i take it?

nope, she'd rung too.

I feel she has had children very young and is still very selfish. She has lots of support, and when needed I am supportive.

I do like her, but I question a lot of her choices and we are poles apart on many things. Like taking up smoking again after giving up (never in a million years for me!!), let alone when there are children involved.

smoking is sooooooooooo hard to give up - i know. i can't

which is why 7 and half years after managing it I still know I could not touch another cigarette. I still dream about smoking FFS! And finish work some days and long for one.

oh gawd

I get the feeling that nothing your SIL does seems to be okay by you. YOu are not wondering about the smoking - you think she is not a good parent and keep adding reasons why.

Flossish, you may differ on parenting styles etc but this does not make your SIL a bad parent

my mum smoked like a lum pg and around us
wee drink too
yes contraindicated in all advice but still a great mum

hey planty parents smoke use
face book (you on M N a social Network site)
does not render them unfit

one can be an organic no hydrogenated fats eco sourced fair trade pain in the ass parent too

I use fb. I'm addicted to FB! But if my child was ill I would not be on FB, MN even ebay. I'd be with my child.

And yes I am wondering about the smoking and am trying to answer questions put to me about why I am so concerned with her parenting without reeling off a whole list of examples which could be quite shocking but trying to keep it succinct by using the example of this morning which I felt to be more about gaining attention than about helping her DD.

I'm not going to pretend there aren't a lot of family issues there which do affect how I feel about SIL (asking about who got support was very close to the bone) but ultimately I stick by what I orginally said about the smoking having a negative impact upon her childrens health.

And I'm not even saying she is a bad parent. Just that some of the things she does are bad. And its quite ironic to be judged for coming across judgmental.

Floss, you should concentrate on your own kids, and forget about how she raises hers.

You are coming across as judgemental and not a little unpleasant.

Fair enough. I hate the way thread spiral like this.

You shouldn't have posted in AIBU, Floss.

No point in asking the question if you're going to get all chippy with the replies.

Flossish no one is judging you, but yes you were asked further exploratory questions as you did post about your sil

croup is predominately viral spread by aeorsol droplet transmission and close contact

smoking not causal of croup

seems to me there are indeed perhaps deep long standing issues between SIL and her extended family

I wasn't being chippy.

Thinking about it logically I suppose AIBU is basically a 'come judge my opinion' topic.

I just have such mixed feelings about her really. I want to like her and yet we have so little in common.

ach well you got answers then -post aibu and yes expect a vociferous response

I believe that croup is an allergic reaction to a viral infection - i.e some children's vocal chords swell when they get an infection whilst other's don't. Of course it's selfish to smoke around children, but agree with others above that croup is a matter of bad luck more than anything.

i have friends with whom technically i have nothing in common, but hey we are parents so there is the link

everything in common functional shiny parents scare me - i like differences, happy chaos

what is this in common stuff anyway?

I have acknowledged that.

link here about croup and smoking. last post.

www.uptodate.com/patients/content/topic.do?topicKey=~IJIXh1W5371lMy

sorry s m - x posted.

I suppose then it is just that I can't be myself with her. I can't say what I think or feel really because we'd clash too much.

Our relationship started out with her cornering me in a pub toilet and dissecting every part of my life and picking it apart
'MY mum hates you, DP doesn't want you to move away with him he's just going along with it, you'll never be a part of our family'

It has been an uphill struggle since both going on to have children to move on from that starting point.

And now see I am tired and emotional and ranting and being unpleasant and so I need to go to bed and cuddle my baby with her milk.

Nighty Night Flo

Then stop struggling.
You can be pleasant and polite when you see her/speak to her and then put her out of your mind when you don't.
Lifes too short to bother about relatives you don't get on with.

I think your better off staying out of her way and being ploite and distant when you can't avoid meeting up.
Honestly, it's not worth looking for problems with in laws.
You're better off just accepting she was rude to you and you will never get on famously. There is nothing wrong with that, but she is DP's sis and it's really not worth wasting your energy worrying about her parenting choices.
Just concentrate on your children and partner and be haapy.
Resentment starts showing on your face and you don't want that do you?