Page 3 | to send 12 yr old ds up to bedroom by 8:30pm ?

bb99 · 18/07/2008 23:41

meatballs - I usually mean it as dear...but occasionally I guess it could be devil, hadn't considered that an option before

Off to the land of nod now...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

meatballs · 18/07/2008 23:59

bb99- thanks and now i have a reply feel i understand why my 'd'd spends so much time on msn

cory · 19/07/2008 10:11

I think 8.30 is fine in term time, but if you send him up that early in the holidays, then you are sort of rubbing in that you don't actually think of him as somebody contributing to your leisure time. I'd say it might depend on how he is in the evenings. I let mine (8 and 11) stay up until 11 in the holidays, but that doesn't mean I feel I have to look after them like you do with small children. They can amuse themselves. Don't have a TV in the holidays so that doesn't apply. We do often play games together, but that's as a family; I used to do it with dh before they were born. Basically, I think it depends on whether you can manage to think of him as somebody adding to your evenings (like an adult friend would do) or still as a child being a drain on your mental resources. I feel myself changing in regard to dd (11); she is more of an asset than a drain these days. Though obviously not if you want to have sex...

stitch · 19/07/2008 10:26

my 11 year old doesnt sleep that early on a school night, let alone holidays.
tbh, i wouldnt have a bedtime for a 12 year old durin holidays at all.

ScummyMummy · 19/07/2008 10:34

are you joking? of course that's unreasonable. Extremely unreasonable.

Squirdle · 19/07/2008 11:07

14 yr DS1 goes to bed at 10 on a school night and I'm pretty relaxed during the holidays. Until about a year ago it was 9.30 on school nights and 10.30 in the holidays, but he is nearly an adult now, so I do feel during the holidays he needs to decide for himself. I even go to bed before him during the holidays sometimes (DH works away during the week)

OP, I think your DS needs to have some outside interests. I think it is so important for teenagers to have something they enjoy other than computer games or TV. DS1 is always out doing something. Right now he is doing a Kayak training weekend and next weekend he is on an aikido weekend. We don't force him to do these things, he chooses to. We do encourage it. He loves kayaking, aikido, biking and his beloved electric guitar He also gets togther with friends doing various things (although I suspect much of this summer will be spent with his girlfriend - bless him)

My theory is that you have treat teenagers like adults (wherever neccessary) for them behave like them.

I do think that as a result of the way we treat DS1, he is a very well balanced and very pleasant young man.

cory · 19/07/2008 11:25

Agree with Squirdle, you come to the point where they need to practise being adults. And it takes a long time to learn, so they need to start practising early.

If you are still thinking of him as a child getting in the way when he is 12, what about when he is 13? 14? 15? At some point you do need to help him see himself as growing up.

noddyholder · 19/07/2008 11:28

Let him stay up Get some films or gams in.Go out to the local park or pub and have a drink It seems harsh to send him to his room imho.My ds is 14 and spends his evenings with us a lot.He won't be here forever so I try to enjoy it while he is even though he drives me buts at times.

FluffyMummy123 · 19/07/2008 11:35

Message withdrawn

cory · 19/07/2008 11:39

In fact, I have been known to go to bed at 11 in the holidays and leave dd to get herself to bed when she wants too. The lazy uncaring slob that I am

FluffyMummy123 · 19/07/2008 11:39

Message withdrawn

fizzbuzz · 19/07/2008 12:53

My ds at 12 would stay up. I used to like it when he was in same room as me.....

He's now 14 and hides in his room all the time and I miss him , but I "intrude on his life" if I try amd mke him come down stairs and interact!

I would cherish what you have tbh, and spend as much time as poss with him. In 2 years you'll hardly see him

pointydog · 19/07/2008 18:40

cherish the looove

GrapefruitMoon · 19/07/2008 18:51

Well at the moment we send dd (11) upstairs when her little brothers go to bed - so usually before 8pm! She is happy to read in bed or go on the computer though (computer not in her bedroom but upstairs). Occasionally she is allowed to stay up to watch something on tv but only until around 8.30.

Dh and I go to bed around 10pm because he needs to get up early for work and the ds's get me up early - so we would have no time at all to ourselves if I let her stay up later. Plus most of the stuff we watch on tv is still too grown-up for her. And I don't really want her watching some reality tv rubbish on her own in the playroom....

When she is at secondary school I am expecting she will get quite a bit of homework so will be doing that in her room in the evening anyway!

hercules1 · 19/07/2008 18:56

In the holidays Ds will go to bed between 10pm and 10.30. He is 12.

BasementBear · 19/07/2008 19:10

Cheery, I feel for you . I think it is quite a difficult age, they are too young to do much on their own and you quite rightly don't want him hanging around on the street with the hoodies. Yet there is very little provided for kids of this age to do, and what little there is (like cinema) is usually quite expensive. How about having a rota of who gets to watch what telly, letting him have a film of his choice etc every few days - and you get to go to bed at 8.30 with a book sometimes if YOU want to!

dmo · 19/07/2008 19:18

we werw all up till gone 11pm last night at a bbq, my boys are 11 and 12
we do this often in the hols, we dont seem to get babysitters anymore perferring to go out as a family

Lauriefairycake · 19/07/2008 19:26

10 year old goes to bed at 8pm.

Not changing it in the holidays at all.

bellavita · 19/07/2008 19:28

I would say at the earliest 9.30pm

MrsWeasley · 19/07/2008 19:30

my 11.5 year old often goes up between 8.30-9.00, he is allowed to read for a bit.

It doesnt change during the holidays, in fact some days he goes earlier because he is tired.

noonki · 19/07/2008 20:00

our 12 year old stepson is in a similar positon,

it gets a bit rough around here and he doesn't know anyone close by as he goes to school near his Mum's.

We try and organise sleepovers with the couple of friends that he does have (getting tricky as his bf is girl and we don't have a spare room)

we also try and get him to go to things like karate and drama classes (also difficult as he is with us irregularly) but it is better than him having to spend all of his evenings with us...

but when he is with us we try and make the most of it by finding films or games that we can all enjoy -

takes some getting used to though as he comes and goes...

noonki · 19/07/2008 20:01

Above thread makes it sound like I don't like having around but the opposite is true !

He now is the one that wants to be with mates all the time...

ll31 · 21/07/2008 01:52

have 8 yr old ds who during holidays might be out on road till half nine and then bed after ten . .. . but. . yanbu - each family has their own rules and if ur happy with urs then thats fine!

twentypence · 21/07/2008 02:49

Ds has always gone to bed at 7pm (is now 5). my mum is always having a go about this - but my theory is that I like to get into bed and read for half an hour before bed - and so we are giving him the opportunity to do the same, so his bedtime is actually getting later.

As for whether 8.30 is too early - it would depend for me on what time he actually fell asleep. If it's more than an hour later then it's too soon.