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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does my mother in law keep bringing this in to conversation???

41 replies

mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 14:49

To feel a bit anoyed that every time my mother in law mentiones to anyone that my daughter is going to a private convent school, she has to say straight away that she went to one and hated it and how awful it was. She then tells them that when she was moved to a state school she loved it and never looked back.
I know that this is true, she went to an absoluitly awful convent school in the 50's and it's now closed. She did have a horrendous, but I don't know why she has to keep mentioning it whenever she talks about my daughters school.
She has been to my daughters school many times and really likes it. She comments on how good it is and how lovely the teachers are ect. I don't get it!
I know that she is very pro state school, which is fair enough but they have changed since she went to school. It is a bit anoying as people would think, why would I send my daughter to an awful school like that? She never adds that her granddaughters school is not like the one she went to. Why does she do it?
BTW I'm not having a go at her as she is a totally wonderful mother in law.

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muppetgirl · 17/07/2008 14:53

Because this is something that scarred her in her early life so much she still talks about it today. She is terrified for your daughter but this manifests itself in a 'I had an awful time' rather than a 'It was awful but I trust your judgement' My brother won't have children as his/our early life was awful yet I have. People can be scarred for life by things that happened in the past. Talk to her, reassure her (if you feel you want to) but be positive in your decision. Once she sees how happy your dd is then hopefully she will relax.

Notquitegrownup · 17/07/2008 14:54

Oh bless. She sounds as if she still needs to feel as if someone has heard her and understands how she feels. If you have ten minutes (or an hour) next time she says it, then try echoing back her feelings:

It sounds as if you are still really upset about what happened . . .

That must have been very frightening . . . .

It sounds as if dd going to her convent has brought it all back to you . . .

If she can feel that someone really understands how she feels, she may be able to let it go. Or she might need to keep on talking about it for a while, but then you could suggest that it would be nice for her if she could leave the memory behind now, as it would be a shame if those awful teachers could still make her feel sad, all these years later . . .

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 15:00

AAww bless her. I know that it was extreamly tromatic for her. She was shacken and hit with a rulor for not being able to say "c". She would say tat instead of cat.
My daughter has a severe speech disorder, so this would probubly worry her. I might have a tactful reasuring word with her to find ot her true feelings. She absoluitly loves her granddaughter and I wouldn't want her to worry. I'll envite her to as many school events as possible to let her see what it's like.

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MummytoWillow · 17/07/2008 15:02

I feel for your MIL, she obviously had an awful time at school, maybe next time she says it you could ask her if she has thought about talking to someone (professional) about her experiences, I would say she has issues to deal with.

Glad she is an excellent MIL in all other respects!!

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 15:10

Thanks MummytoWillow-(what a gorgeous name for a little girl BTW)
I can't see her doing that She would talk to me though. She is lovely and I don't want her to think that I would keep Lucy at any school where she wasn't happy. If she wasn't happy at that school, she would be out like a flash. I too had a horrendous time in my state schools.

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Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 15:24

I think that we are both thinkink back to our own school experiences. It's totally acceptable to say "I'm not keen on private schools" but it is absoluitly un acceptable to say "I'm not keen on state schools".
Which is why I don't really talk about my experiences when talking about my choice of schools for Lucy.

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madamez · 17/07/2008 15:25

At some level, she's bringing it up because she is afraid for your DD, afraid that she will suffer the way MIL herself suffered. Even though she has (by the sound of it) seen the school and knows that DD is happy there, subconsciously she will still feel that convent schools equal child-torture.
As others have said, sympathise and reassure and try not to mind. It's not bad thing to remind people in general that faith schools don't always and certainly haven't always been the best choice you could make for a child.

heronsfly · 17/07/2008 15:31

I also feel for you MIL,I was educated at a pivate convent and hated it.
I always swore that none of my children would set foot in the place.
But,about the time dd1 was born in the late 70s the school was closed and reopened as a state catholic primary school,I was drawn to go to an open day dont know why,but what a change.All 6 of my dcs have attended this school [2 still there] and they probably have been some of the happiest years of there lives.
Let your mil see the school and tae part in things as much as she can,she will soon see how different things are.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 17/07/2008 15:34

She obviously sees herself at 5 in your daughter - a little girl who says "tat". I really feel very very sorry for the poor woman. If you feel good abouty the school, go for it, but I don't think your MILs anxiety is going to go until she SEES how happy your Lucy is.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 15:38

I agree madamez, I certainly haven't chosen the school because it's a faith school. I think people generally are a bit wary of them due to their terrible reputation in the past. It is the most happy, loving school I've erer seen. The children are all so confident, happy and polite. It is in the top 5% in the country for accademic achievment, but that's not the reason we chose it either. We just want her to be happy and reach her full potential (what ever that may be).

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Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 15:43

The nuns don't acctually teach at this school anymore but they still live there. They are like a load of Grandma's really. They hand out sweeties for the little ones,(while reminding us arents to bring in a HEALTHY snack. They are lovely though.

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branflake81 · 17/07/2008 15:46

mummyloveslucy - I remember a conversation about your daughter's school from another thread. It looked lovely!

madamez · 17/07/2008 15:47

MLL, I am not doubting your choice of school - I don't know where you live or anything about the school in question obviously.

NOw I personally object to faith schools on principle and therefore wouldn't sent a child of mine there, but that's not to say that faith schools are all bad schools.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 15:53

I tottaly respect your oppinion madamez, I can see why you and many other people feel the same way. I am very open minded and it is a fantastic school regardless of faith. Like I said though, if she's not happy there or if it dosn't suit her then she'll be comming out.

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cory · 17/07/2008 15:54

On the one hand, I can sympathise with your MIL who clearly needs someone to listen to her story. On the other hand, that person shouldn't really be you, not at the time when you are having to make a decision for your daughter, under entirely different circumstances. Nor should it be the people who are told this in the context of your daughter's education. I think you may have to very gently, very tactfully explain this to her.

Onestonetogo · 17/07/2008 15:55

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 15:59

branflake81- Thank you. You have to go there really to appreciate how lovely it is. When I first heard someone mention a "convent school" I got a wobbly knees moment. Then I saw how happy her girls were and decided to take a look. I couldn't believe how at eaze I felt streight away and just loved it. It's funny how certain words can counjour up all sorts of scary images, and nothing could've been further from the truth.

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Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 16:05

It is the religion of this country also, so learning about it is a good thing. She will also learn about other religions there also, but it is our heratige at the end of the day aand you need to learn about in order to make an informed choice. Her Grandad is a spiritulist and has a degree in R.E so she will have a well rounded understanding of all religions as well as our own.

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Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 16:22

Just to let you know, I'm ducking for cover as my last post was a bit controversial. I thought, do I press post message or not??? I hope it's not taken the wrong way.

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Habbibu · 17/07/2008 16:30

Dunno, mll - I went to a Catholic school and learned next to nothing about any other religion (have just thought - "do they have C of E nuns?" which just about says it all). Have survived pretty well knowing pretty much nothing about Anglicanism (other than some fairly biased "the Reformation was a terrible disaster" history lessons). And am now an atheist...

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 16:55

Well at least you have made your own informed choice. If she dosn't get the compariarive info at school, then she'll get it at home.

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Notquitegrownup · 17/07/2008 16:55

Lol - yes they do have C of E nuns, Habbibu, but they are rarer and not many teach, in this country at least. Some are sent overseas to teach, others do more community based work. I did meet a fabulous nun who rode a very large motorbike once, and had to tuck her hassock in her belt before jumping on and roaring away! She made a great sight.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 16:58

I'd love to see that!!

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Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/07/2008 17:44

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'll talk to her about it and reasure her that if Lucy's not happy there then I'll take her out.
I said to her why didn't you tell your Mum how unhappy you were there? and she said that she thought that was what school was like and didn't know any different.

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MsDemeanor · 17/07/2008 17:50

I think that's very wise. I also think the person who suggested reflecting her words back to her - ie It sounds as if you had an awful time...that must have been very frightening for you...You sound as if you were very sad and afraid...so she feels heard is brilliant advice. I think this is stirring up a lot of extremely painful memories of abuse for her. It might help you to realise this is nothing to do with your dd and it's not a criticism of your choice, it's about her terrible experience, her memories and even maybe flashbacks, and her projection of her vulnerable child self onto her beloved granddaughter. I do feel for her.

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