Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my children to go to the same type of schools i did? DP doesn't agree..

62 replies

Ohireallyshouldnt · 17/07/2008 11:10

I went to firstly an old Cathedral Grammar school (mixed) and then a girls public school. DP went to the local village comprehensive and although it gets good reviews i am not keen on sending my own children there. He also has a son who will definately be going there (lives with DPs ex).

I will do whatever it takes to get my son a scolarship / bursary / or just incredible hard work to pay school fees, to get him / them into a great school.

DP thinks i am a snob (although he delights in calling me his "posh bird" when it suits him).

I always thought my own education was great and was grateful to my parents for it. AIBU to want the same for my kids? Even if DP and his family think i am some kind of stuck-up bitch with a superiority complex (I'm not btw).

OP posts:
TigerFeet · 17/07/2008 12:04

What is it that you don't like about the middle school? If it's OK and you thing your ds will be happy there, could you delay the decision until he is ready to leave that school?

Do you have children with your dp? Would he have to help pay for private school for your ds?

dilemma456 · 17/07/2008 12:08

Message withdrawn

dilemma456 · 17/07/2008 12:09

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Ohireallyshouldnt · 17/07/2008 12:11

Its very interesting listening to your opinions about it. My mum sides with me and i wouldn't dare ask his parents opinions!

I think i have become a bit "Bee In My Bonnet" about it tbh and its refreshing to hear new opinions. Thank you.

I really should just let it go for a couple of years, its causing nothing but grief, and you are all right, it is an issue hat can wait.

Tigerfeet, to all intents and purposes i am a single parent to DS1, DP has hardly any input and certainly not financially. Not the way i would like it ideally, but its the way it is. DP and I also have an 18m old son.

OP posts:
chopchopbusybusy · 17/07/2008 12:11

Is it really the Upper School children you are referring to whose attitude you don't like?

We also have the three tier system here and one of the things I like about it is that they are 13 (yr9) before they move up and so are not exposed to the sometimes bad behaviour of older teens too early.

Kewcumber · 17/07/2008 12:12

going to a rough comp as a reasonably bright pupil taught me that if you wanted anything in life, you needed to work at it yourself not expect anyone else to sort it out for you so its wasn't an entirely wasted education!

Co-incidentally my nephew who is a mediocre academic student but has always ghone to private schools has a very sheltered view of the world and hasn't really ever had to work at anything. I suspect University may come as a big shock to him - he;s never even had saturday job.

I think it depends on personality how well you do in each type of school.

Judy1234 · 17/07/2008 12:14

Your mistake was not agreeing it before you shacked up with this man and in marrying "down" in the first place.

I would never have contemplated sending my children to state schools. I went to private schools and my chilren do adn my brother and sister's children. We earn enough to pay for that. All 3 of us pay ourselves. We don't rely on a partner ot fund it.

Go forth and earn money and then tell him its yours to spend as you choose. I know in law even if you are unmarried the child's father does have some rights if you cannot agree over education but given his lack of involvement (he sounds dreadful, unreconstructed working class male circa 1880 with no input into the child) he can hardly object.

Kewcumber · 17/07/2008 12:15

I always suspect that if I had gone to a more academic school ( was being considered for a scholarship but my mum didn't want me to go as she had bad experience being the scholarship girl) I would have done better academically and ended up very happily as a research physicist. As it was I became an accountant and eventually finance director - probably not as interesting a job but the money has been significantly better.

Who knows in the end what the "better" life would have been - I'm wuite content with the one I've got though.

Kewcumber · 17/07/2008 12:17

Xenia - if you were to meet me you really wouldn't be able to tell with the naked eye that I was state educated you know, some of us can masquerade quite well in polite society you know!

chopchopbusybusy · 17/07/2008 12:22

Xenia, marrying 'down'? Wasn't that the sort of thing people used to say in the 50s.

Kewcumber · 17/07/2008 12:23

I have a posh accent - I could quite easily "marry up" under false pretences and give my poor new DH a dreadful shock when it came to showing him the scales under my skin.

Swedes · 17/07/2008 12:24

Kewcumber It's not so much the look of the state educated, it's the smell.

DaDaDa · 17/07/2008 12:25

Xenia - if you were to meet me you really would be able to tell with the naked eye that I was state educated you know, some of us can puncture the arrogance of private school educated snobs quite well in polite society you know!

You really are a hoot.

TigerFeet · 17/07/2008 12:28

I think the problem you have OP is that you can clearly make the choice yourself for your ds1 but when it comes to ds2 you will have to share the decision. Fast forward a few years and you will be making the same decision for ds2 but DP will also have a say and will probably want the same for ds2 as for his ds1 and so will you... but if your ds1 has different to his ds1 then you will conflict...

To quote your OP, if you have to " do whatever it takes to get my son a scolarship / bursary / or just incredible hard work to pay school fees, to get him / them into a great school." This could be doable with one but perhaps much harder for two? There's all the peripherals to think of too - uniform, trips etc of which I'm sure I don't have to remind you.

Kewcumber · 17/07/2008 12:30

I said that tiger

Thugh being from the lower classes perhasp my opinion is less worthy.

combustiblelemon · 17/07/2008 12:31

It's your money, send your children to the schools you feel would be best for them. As long as you base your decision on what is best fit for each child's needs I don't see that it's an issue.

The only problem I have is when people try to push a child into an environment that isn't right for them because 'It's a great school' e.g. a child that learns slowly into a very academic school or a quiet, sensitive, bookish child into a boarding school that's very sports orientated.

TigerFeet · 17/07/2008 12:34

You said it so much better than I did Kew.

Just goes to show how my private education has got me nowhere doesn't it?

MadamePlatypus · 17/07/2008 12:34

I am a bit confused - the child that you want to send to a private school is yours and your ExH's, not your current partner's?

I think you need to research all the options with an open mind and forget about private school vs. state school, just look for a good school.

questions you need to ask are:

  • Which school makes the best provision for my child, as they actually are - sports grounds/music facilities are only an advantage if your child will use them.
  • What would be the impact of paying for a private school on the family
  • Where is the nearest private school? How will your child travel there? How much traveling time will this add on to their school day?
  • You say you want your child to be offered a scholarship, but is this a realistic aspiration? Will you have to pay for coaching? What kind of pressure will this put on your son? What if he fails?
  • What if you are not able to pay for your son's education until he is 18 and he has to leave the private school?
Judy1234 · 17/07/2008 13:31

I hadn't realised that., If the child is your ex husband's then surely it shouldn't just be your decision anyway but also his father's decision. This is why talking about thigns like private schools and who gives up work and who will clean the bathrooms at home after marriage, which religion the children will be etc all need to be gone into before people get too close to each other just in case there are fundamental differences.

Swedes · 17/07/2008 13:34

I certainly made sure DP used Ecover products and a stabbing motion with the toilet brush before I got close to him. If it wasn't discussed on the first date, it was certainly discussed on the second.

33k · 17/07/2008 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 17/07/2008 13:38

Hang on, hang on, I'm just lugging the time machine up, so the OP can have her problem sorted. There you are, mrs Ohireally, just slip into this seat and make sure the seatbelt is fastened...now lean forward carefully...putting your hand on the control, but making sure you don't to push that button...NOOO...I said Don't Push That Buttoooon....

Oh well, I did try.

motherinferior · 17/07/2008 13:39

Mr Inferior regularly scrubs me down with bleach, Swedes. It's the only foreplay he'll consider. Strip away this Oxford degree and the comprehensive school education just shows pitifully.

Original poster
Ohireallyshouldnt · 17/07/2008 13:42

Swedes ha ha!

Xenia, i agree with you to a certain extent, but sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with and want to be with for the rest of your life. Even if he is a scaffolder with no accademic qualifications... My "Bit of Rough" to his "Posh Bird". Fantastic between the sheets tho...

OP posts:
beanieb · 17/07/2008 13:46

If you can fund it then go for it, but if I was your husband I wouldn't want to fund it.