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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that children don't need presents on their siblings' birthdays?

66 replies

Treeny · 16/07/2008 14:27

What are people's views on this? My DH and I have been having a lively debate on whether it's reasonable/sensible for children to be given presents by parents and other family members on their siblings' birthdays, to avoid that left-out feeling.

I think it's bonkers - why can't children just grow up accepting that birthdays are a special day for the person whose birthday it is, and everyone has their own special day. DH disagrees and thinks it's nice for siblings to have presents of their own to open. His family (who are very big on not hurting people's feelings and quite liable to put the idea into my DDs' heads that their feelings might be hurt when the idea had never occurred to them) have apparently always given presents to all children when one of them has a birthday.

I suppose it doesn't really matter - I'm not going to start a family feud over it! DD2 will have her first birthday next month and I can just see DD1, who is five, getting loads of new stuff out of it. She'll think it's great of course. But what's wrong with children dealing with the idea that there are days when someone else is the centre of attention?

OP posts:

MrsTiddles · 16/07/2008 18:06

I thought the whole point of a birthday present was that it was for YOUR birthday. If everyone has a birthday, they don't need a present on someone elses day. Unless of course as stated, they share a birth date.

Squirdle · 16/07/2008 21:15

Quite clever! Very clever I say Tisn't that easy!

At the moment they are only 3 and 5 and think it is wonderful and very special that they share a birthday, but who knows, that may change. We always do seperate presents and don't allow anyone else to do joint presents either. They do have a joint party, but they each have a seperate birthday cake and we sing happy birthday seperatly to them too.

They are also both boys, which I think probably helps and share many of the same likes and dislikes. So a bit different to Treeny having to share with her brother. And they are incredibly close.

I didn't really want to have DS3 on DS2's birthday, but I didn't have much of a say in the matter I worried that they each wouldn't have a special day....but it's kind of like having twins iyswim and it's fine.

ravenAK · 16/07/2008 21:23

I'm with Hecate (it's a tradition from my childhood too).

Small token thing like book - I'll happily buy the dc books any time though! - from parents &/or birthday sibling. Not from everyone who buys the birthday child a present, that's just sily...

emj23 · 16/07/2008 22:03

My older sister and younger brother have the same birthday, I was always given a small gift so I didn't feel left out, so I'm probably biased. I don't see anything wrong with a child having a tiny token gift.

mysteryfairy · 16/07/2008 22:37

I sometimes give presents to my children on each other's birthdays although whether and what varies from year to year, but I think there are loads of presents that are more fun if everyone has got them. The example of tamagotchis earlier in the thread was something that all three of mine got on one of them's birthday last year - surely it wouldn't have been much fun for the birthday child if they had no-one to interact with?

DD does best out of this arrangement as her big brothers are 5 and 6 years older than her and have birthdays in November and December. DD's birthday is straight after Xmas so by the time it gets to the DSs' birthdays she's positively famished of new things. Both her big brothers get pleasure out of her getting gifts on their birthdays, but by the time we reach DD's birthday after Xmas they are quite jaded and not really bothered about getting something back themselves.

I've never seen it as something which is a big enough deal to make a principle of one way or the other though.

downundergirl · 17/07/2008 05:14

You are definitely not being unreasonable!!

Buda · 17/07/2008 06:17

YANBU. My sis started this with her DS1 as he was only 19 months older than his little sister. But she expected all of us to do it and it got ridiculous. We all moaned but did it anyway for a few years and then it petered out.

However I do quite like the idea of the birthday child choosing a little present for a sibling to have - that is quite sweet and shows a lovely generosity of spirit and is practical as others have pointed out.

Squirdle - you are quite clever! I have avoided the issue by only having the one - is that clever too??

tigermoth · 17/07/2008 06:42

Agree with you, Treeny. It's not necessary for siblings to get presents. But I do think it's nice if other siblings are included in the birthday celebrations in some way and get a bit of extra attention so they don't feel too sidelined. ie older siblings doing some fun preparations for younger sibling's birthday party and getting a big thank you for it (and an extra big slice of birthday cake).

Squirdle · 17/07/2008 16:34

Yes Buda, that is very clever...and very wise too

leogirl · 17/07/2008 18:48

def not unreasonable !! I HATE my DS getting presents when his sister has a birthday ... irritates me no end. I think it turns them into selfish so and sos who can't consider other people's feelings, makes them realise that they are not the centre of the universe and that giving is just as nice as receiving !! there ! rant over !

unfitmother · 17/07/2008 19:04

How odd to think that a birthday can only be special if no one else is allowed to have anything??
They'll just have to learn it's not about them?? Sorry, can't get my head around that one.

I would not be happy with other people inundating sibling with gifts but would always get a small token, usually a book for the un-birthday child but then I'm not from the 'it's all about me and no one else is allowed to join in' school of birthdays am I?

wb · 17/07/2008 19:13

I don't think you are BU on the whole BUT I do think their is a short period, say b/w 14mo and 2.5 when a child really can't get the whole 'other siblings special day thing' easily. For this age group (only) I think one token gift can make it a truly nice day for everyone.

But I think it's up to the parents to decide this and make the purchase if they deem it necessary. I'd be quite if my outlaws gave ds2 something on ds1's b'day, or vice versa.

shybaby · 17/07/2008 19:17

I always buy a gift for one when its the other's birthday. A small gift, and only I am allowed to do it, not from anyone else.

I dont know if its a single mum thing but on one child's special day im normally so busy that the other one doesn't get a look in. I buy them the small gift to try and let them know im still thinking about them too?

edam · 17/07/2008 19:24

I really upset my sister one year when I had THE most amazing birthday present that I never though, in my wildest dreams, I would ever actually own. It was a Lundby dolls house that I had admired in the shop window for ages but had never even dared hope for because it was soooooo expensive.

Anyway, opened the box and was stunned to find it was THE dollls house. And gave the other box to my sister because there couldn't possibly be anything else for me... only it was the furniture. She was a tad put out!

Squirdle · 17/07/2008 20:52

I do have to say that while I have never agreed with gifts for unbirthday children, I am glad I have never had to think about it.
I do understand what people are saying when they have 2 small children, close in age, who simply don't understand when their brother/sister is getting a load of stuff and they aren't getting anything.

My 2 at 5 and 3 probably would be a bit put out by the other recieving gifts...well probably not so much the 5 yr old now as he loves giving gifts to people and they both share very well...ooh now I'm changing my mind thinking about it.

Hmm, actually they may not be upset. They give gifts to DS1 and DH and I and do so very happily without recieving anything themselves. They get very excited about giving us gifts. We always do a birthday cake for the birthday person and they really enjoy that part. They do understand that it is that persons special day.

Nope, thinking about it, I wouldn't give a gift to a sibling on their brother/sisters birthday. It reall isn't neccesary.

mamachat · 17/07/2008 21:07

i agree with you - my sister made us buy presents from both her dd's on their birthdays as they were closein age and she did not want them feeling left out..

I think its ok for the parents to buy their child whoes birthday it isnt a small gift but its unfair for both children to get los of gifts. What is the point of them having individual birthdays...

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