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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that children don't need presents on their siblings' birthdays?

66 replies

Treeny · 16/07/2008 14:27

What are people's views on this? My DH and I have been having a lively debate on whether it's reasonable/sensible for children to be given presents by parents and other family members on their siblings' birthdays, to avoid that left-out feeling.

I think it's bonkers - why can't children just grow up accepting that birthdays are a special day for the person whose birthday it is, and everyone has their own special day. DH disagrees and thinks it's nice for siblings to have presents of their own to open. His family (who are very big on not hurting people's feelings and quite liable to put the idea into my DDs' heads that their feelings might be hurt when the idea had never occurred to them) have apparently always given presents to all children when one of them has a birthday.

I suppose it doesn't really matter - I'm not going to start a family feud over it! DD2 will have her first birthday next month and I can just see DD1, who is five, getting loads of new stuff out of it. She'll think it's great of course. But what's wrong with children dealing with the idea that there are days when someone else is the centre of attention?

OP posts:

lizziemun · 16/07/2008 16:17

When siblings are born yes. Birthday's no.

Children need to understand that other people have 'special days' other then them.

Umlellala · 16/07/2008 16:17

YANBU
I don't like it for birthdays at all (similar to cory, i want dd to enjoy someone else having something and so far she seems fine - she is 2 and been to a few birthdays, not siblings though).

But then I also don't like the 'baby brings you a present' thing either - isn't the BABY their present? Dd is v excited about her new baby brother coming (when he does finally show - see other thread), she doesn't need him to buy her something too (Although we are of course giving her lots of general attention and with that, are some new things to play with too).

sparklesandnowinefor15weeks · 16/07/2008 16:24

YANBU its silly to give un-necessary presents out so as 'not to hurt feelings', i seee what they are thrying to do is ultimatley a nice thought but children still have to understand that a birthday is a special day for that person

plus its not like siblings get left out in any way is it?! they still get to join in the fun of a party, birthday tea, cake, day out, meal out or whatever you decide to do as a family

i must admit though we also give out small gifts to the DC from their new baby sibling - but i like to do that

loopylou6 · 16/07/2008 16:26

YA SO NBU

ChukkyPig · 16/07/2008 16:30

I think I should get lots of presents on DH and DD's birthdays so I don't feel left out.

Hooray!

(YANBU never heard of it before, is nuts. And v expensive!).

hockeypuck · 16/07/2008 16:30

YANBU BUT I do this for my DCs and I had this myself when I was growing up.

The way we do it, the present is from the sibling and is called a "non-birthday" present. Just a small gift, a colouring book or activity book for example.

My sister and I carried it on till we were 20! I used to love choosing something little for her before my birthday and got really excited that she had something on my day too.

It's all relative of course. Whether it is unreasonable or not depends on the way in which it is done. In my opinion, it is not unreasonable per se.

Squirdle · 16/07/2008 16:36

I have always thought it was silly to do this. A very good friend of mine has always done it for her daughters and even does it now at 11 and 12.

I think everyone should do as I did. Have your second child when the first is 9 (then the 1st child is old enough to understand that they don't have presents on siblings birthday) and then have your 3rd child on your DC2 2nd birthday Tis a manic time, but it does solve the jealousy problem. DS2 and DS3 get birthday presents on the same day

mamablue · 16/07/2008 16:39

My mil always buys DD2 a gift on DD1's birthday and vice versa. I really do not like it. I have asked her not to but of course she does it anyway! Over the years the gifts have gone from a token eg a book or t-shirt, to much larger more expensive ones. This year DD2 got a game for her DS which almost cost as much as DD1's actual birthday present!! We point out loud and clear that it is not her birthday and that granny should not spoil her! She has always done this for sil's DD's but they do create a huge fuss if one of them is not 'getting anything'. Precisely why I do not want to go down that route. Luckily, so far at least, my two do not appear to expect gifts and are very gracious to each other on their birthdays.

JeanieG · 16/07/2008 16:42

My parents used to do this with me on my sisters' birthday. There reason was because they were twins (and still are) and so I would have been the only one without.

To be honest, I don't think this did me any favours as I was a bit of a brat when I was a kid.

Have not done this with my own DC's though. I agree that your birthday is a day for you to be the special one and other siblings do need to learn the art of giving etc.

JeanieG · 16/07/2008 16:43

Sorry their

Original poster

Treeny · 16/07/2008 16:45

Agree that presents for siblings on birth of new baby is a good thing. But that's different to confusing the issue on birthdays.

It was never an issue for my brother and me when we were growing up, as we share a birthday. Which I always hated, but that's another story.

If DD1 and DD2 want to buy each other unbirthday presents when they are older, they are very welcome to do so (am sure I would think it quite sweet) - but I wish my in-laws wouldn't carry on to excess the way they do. It's the 'all must have prizes' mentality that I think I object to.

OP posts:

mum2oandh · 16/07/2008 16:48

YANBU at all however.......My ds (nearly 4) has asked if he can get his sister (5 monthes)a present to give her on his birthday, becauses he says 'it's sad to make people feel like they are being left out'.
This brought a tear to my eye and I thought it would be a lovely little tradition between them, (though I would be very annoyed if other people started doing it too).
Does anyone think this is a realy bad idea or ok?

Nighbynight · 16/07/2008 16:50

YANBU. I might offer a younger child a small bag of sweets, but as soon as they are old enough to understand, they wouldn't get presents on someone else's birthday.

Children these days get too many presents!![miserable old bat emoticon]

Nighbynight · 16/07/2008 16:51

what a lovely thing for your ds to think of, mum2. I'd agree, and choose something with him - he will probably forget all about it next year!

MilaMae · 16/07/2008 16:51

I do this on my twins birthday as there is only a year between them and my dd and they do everything together, inseparable really.

My dd is 3 and my twin boys 4,we do the same on their's too only something tiny to keep her/them amused when they play with their new toys as understandably kids don't really want to share toys the minute they've been given them.

It works well for us, they don't get anything else all year at all and are pretty good kids,don't ask for anything ever. None of them are brats. I'm thinking this will be the last year though as feel 4 and 5 year olds will be more able to share/understand that children may feel protective over new toys.

Dottoressa · 16/07/2008 16:52

YA definitely NBU!!

Wilkiepedia · 16/07/2008 16:53

Agree with you Treeny

MilaMae · 16/07/2008 16:54

Would not want anybody else in the family to do it though.

their's????? My spelling and grammar is appalling at this time of day.

Umlellala · 16/07/2008 16:57

See hockeypuck and mum2, I think that's really sweet and in the spirit of gift-giving!

Squirdle · 16/07/2008 16:59

So no-one thinks I was clever having my children on the same date, 2 years apart ?

bunchoflowers · 16/07/2008 16:59

I think it really depends.

If there's a lot of rivalry between them, I think it would be ok for them to get presents on each other's birthdays.

I know first hand that this kind of rivalry can get really bad, so I wouldn't make it tougher for them. I'd just give them a small present, I think it really is the thought that counts in this case!! It might help them feel more secure. Not all siblings are jealous of each other in the first place so no need to bother if this is the case.

I obviously don't condone raising a load of spoiled brats though. I think they all get way too many presents these days anyway!!

AnAngelWithin · 16/07/2008 17:01

oh gawd. i hate this too. MIL has always done this and it drives me nuts!! they expect it now. what really annoyed me was on dd2s 2nd birthday, she bought more for the other 3 kids than for dd2. her excuse....well dd2 is too young to remember anyway!!

AbbeyA · 16/07/2008 17:03

I think it is all wrong-they should get used to someone else being the centre of attention. They get their turn.

Hecate · 16/07/2008 17:05

I do it. It's a tradition. My parents always did it for me and my sister The birthday boy gets lots of gifts and the other one gets a small gift (under a fiver). It's not necessary, but it doesn't hurt and the birthday boy gets the proper gifts, the cards, the cake and all the attention. A fiver to wrap up a bit of something is no big deal imo but is nice for the other child who has a little something to play with and nice for the birthday boy who gets to open and play with his gifts without being plagued by the other one 'helping' . Everyone knows whose birthday it is!

Original poster

Treeny · 16/07/2008 17:06

Squirdle - you are quite clever! My mum always thought she was very clever having my brother and me on the same date three years apart.

And your DC will probably be much less grumpy than me - I always longed for my own special day and my own party! (See, who sounds like a spoilt brat now...)

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