How often should grandparents visit?

[Doris23]

My inlaws moved 500+ miles away before my husband (an only child!) and I had children. Now my inlaws are demanding that they visit us every 6 weeks without fail. Visits last at least 2 nights, and are highly intensive as they follow the children around with a camera and dictaphone (they don't yet have a video recorder). If we leave the visit more than 6 weeks my MIL has a breakdown and cries on the phone for days at a time. They think they are being very reasonable only visiting every 6 weeks, but I think it is too much, and too fixed. Does anyone have any experience in this or any advice? It's getting to the stage where I am dreaming about divorcing my husband just to get rid of my inlaws - and I love my husband very much!!!

It is your house and no one has the right to 'insist' on visiting you, family or not. Why don't you and your DP decide upon a level of visiting that you are comfortable with and tell your in laws that you are only available on X, X and X dates? You don't have to plan your life around what suits them.

FWIW I love both sets of GP and see my MIL every week, plus my parents every week or so. That is great because it works for all of us, but none of the GP are anything like you describe. There are other members of my family who are much more difficult and if they were the GP there is no way they would be invading my house as often as you describe.

And as to 'you will be sorry when they are gone' - are you supposed to put up with being sorry they are in your house, making your life a misery, on the off chance that you will wish you let them do it more often?

Sympathies. I went through this and it was hard- we were in a small flat at the time so faced a choice between overcrowding if they came to us or financial penury paying to get to them by train. Like yours they needed their fix of the kids at a rate that seemed far too frequent and at their own convenience rather than at a negotiated time. I felt very resentful at times and I really do think my in-laws are ace, generally speaking. I don't know what to suggest- mine eventually moved back nearer to us and their other child and we see more of them but in a much less intense stressful way, so a good time is had by all. I don't think the wanting to see their grandkids 8 times a year is unreasonable in itself but can well understand that you feel put upon and not in control. Sometimes it made me feel better to be the one arranging the next visit at a time that was convenient for me, before they could tell me when they were coming or book us tickets to go and see them. Could that help?

It's about 8/9 weekends per year, go out, leave your DH to deal with them, YABU.

They are making all the effort, it's a maximum of 18 nights out of your whole year!

It's about 8/9 weekends per year, go out, leave your DH to deal with them, YABU.

They are making all the effort, it's a maximum of 18 nights out of your whole year!

Bugger

Oh, my IL's visit once a month and my parents a couple of times per week.

OP's DH may not want to deal with them and a 3yo and a 9mth on his own though Ewe, even if they are his own parents.

If Doris insists on going out and leaving DH to do it this could a) cause a problem between her and DH and b) cause further upset with her clearly sensitive MIL.

Plus Doris may not want to leave MIL in house when she's not around, as she has said MIL goes snooping!

So sorry.. but I think ewe, not OP, is BU

I guess we live in a society where extended family play less of an important role than they one used to. The family unit is smaller and more concentrated in those immediately present. As a consequence we have, as a society, lost some tolerance for those who once upon a time would have been living very close by and being actively involved in the upbringing of our own children, as they are not involved, we do not appreciate them as much.

Surely three adults can look after two children? Her DH is a parent just as much as she is, I would hope he is capable of looking after his own children. I'm not saying necessarily go out for the whole weekend but she could certainly do as other posters have suggested and have her hair done, lunch with the girls etc.

Irrelevant of anything else they are family and deserve all of the patience and effort the OP can offer. Yes, it's not going to be enjoyable for OP but I bet they look forward to it for weeks beforehand!

Given what you say about your MIL, you need to do whatever you need to do for your own sanity - whether that's longer gaps between visits, you and partner taking it in turns to go out and do something you enjoy, deciding to ban the dictaphone, whatever.

If the stress of anticipating the visit, dealing with the demands of the ILs at the visit and MILs breakdowns, and then recovering from the impact is all considerable, it's a bit much for people to say you should 'appreciate' them!

My in-laws are fab if eccentric and welcome to visit as much as they like (although if they actually did more than every few weeks I might have to decide on a limit). My parents - they come max 3x a year for a few hours, mostly doing gardening or similar, plus a couple restaurant meals. Less if my mother is going through one of her obnoxious phases, and again she's not someone who could be left with a small child - having her about is like an extra child to look after!