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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often should grandparents visit?

59 replies

Doris23 · 16/07/2008 13:48

My inlaws moved 500+ miles away before my husband (an only child!) and I had children. Now my inlaws are demanding that they visit us every 6 weeks without fail. Visits last at least 2 nights, and are highly intensive as they follow the children around with a camera and dictaphone (they don't yet have a video recorder). If we leave the visit more than 6 weeks my MIL has a breakdown and cries on the phone for days at a time. They think they are being very reasonable only visiting every 6 weeks, but I think it is too much, and too fixed. Does anyone have any experience in this or any advice? It's getting to the stage where I am dreaming about divorcing my husband just to get rid of my inlaws - and I love my husband very much!!!

OP posts:
posieflump · 16/07/2008 14:06

alicet makes a good point.
Book the hairdressers in the morning and then go for lunch with friends, when you come back be all polite and smiling and make dinner - if they are faddy they can mae their own!
Do they come Fri to Sun?

jellybeans · 16/07/2008 14:07

You are being reasonable. I would not like their demands and think 3-4 times a year is enough. I have issues with (toxic) ILs too. Mine live miles away now and visit every month or two but they don't stay with us, we have no room anyway and I and DH are happy with a shortish visit. Luckily they stay with family and have other people to visit.

alicet · 16/07/2008 14:09

I think those of you who are giving the OP a hard time about not appreciating the GPs are missing the point somewhat. She hasn't said anywhere that she doesn't want them to see gc's or be involved in their lives. It's the level of emotional blackmail and high maintenance beahviour (which quite frankly is pretty ride I'd say) that is the problem.

I expect that those of you who are playing the 'I wish I had this problem as I'd LOVE my dc's to see more of their gp's' either have or had parents / pils who were a lot more fun to be around. And that if they weren't you might not have felt that dissimilar to the OP.

If I had to put up with this from them I wouldn't look forward to their visits either! I'd put up with it (as does the OP) for the sake of my dc's and my dh but doesn't make the OP a bad person for dreading it!

Kimi · 16/07/2008 14:09

I think you need to sit with DH and work out what will work for you, maybe they come every 2 months, as the stress to you will be picked up by your children, and it is really not good for them , also if it it tence and walking on eggshells and granny brakes down all the time this is not healthy, you need to be firm

alicet · 16/07/2008 14:10

rude even not ride

Mutt · 16/07/2008 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alicet · 16/07/2008 14:14

Mutt I absolutely agree that its important to maintain the gp's relationship with their gc. We're probably saying the same thing in different ways! I think the OP is saying this too though which was the point I was trying to make.... Just that she doesn't enjoy it.

totalmisfit · 16/07/2008 14:18

i think my mum is going to be like the granny in question once we finally move. and i can sympathise with both positions. When we move i think my mum will probably come and stay ever weekend until we have a big barney (which always happens when we see too much of each other).

On the other hand if my MIl wanted to come and see us every 6 weeks (rather than ever 6 months) i think i would completely lose it. But then she is (as other mners have kindly pointed out to me in the past) a total loon. And your MIL doesn't sound quite in her league tbh.

jellybeans · 16/07/2008 14:20

It's hard to appreciate the strain on the whole family from toxic IL's (or other relatives) if you have never experienced it.

bubblagirl · 16/07/2008 14:21

every 4 weeks for dp dad 3 times a yr for his mum and every week for my parents they live really close

i think its great that they want to be so involved maybe you could leave them to babysit an dhave a date every 6 weeks

Pavlovthecat · 16/07/2008 14:21

alicet - I disagree. My MIL is a pain in the backside, and I have to bite my tongue constantly when she is here, she stays for two weeks and by the time she has gone I am done. She is interfering, rude, picky, criticises our parenting skills, moans about how untidy our place is etc. BUT she spends lots of time with DD when she is here and yes she too takes lots of photos and spends a lot of time with the recorder, but it has to be done.

I would not change it, or suggest she comes for less. Never.

I dont always find it enjoyable, but I deal with it. For my daughter (and for my DH).

LazyLinePainterJane · 16/07/2008 14:23

My PIL live at the other end of the country and come to stay with us once a year, then spend the rest of the year moaning that they never see us. Once a year is enough for me, but they see to think the journey is easier if you have children to transport!

rebelmum1 · 16/07/2008 14:27

I agree you can't cut their visits but you can take advantage and leave the kids with them and have a night out and plan other things yourself so that you are not there all the time.

mumfor1standmaybe2ndtime · 16/07/2008 14:31

Wish I had that many visits! Dh (who is also an only child), his mother died before ds was born and his Dad never visits, ever, despite living in the same street.
My parents visit about once every 3 months if I am lucky and they live 25 miles away.

You should enjoy the time, kids are only young once and parents aren't around forever.
If it is the staying for two nights which bugs you then go stay at their home or leave them in with the kids and pop out with dh!

chopchopbusybusy · 16/07/2008 14:35

Doris - I don't think YABU! I'm banging my head against the wall in frustration for you because of the number of posters who have just not read the thread. Sorry, I can't offer any practical advice but I empathise.

Original poster
Doris23 · 16/07/2008 14:48

Thanks again everyone for your replies. This is my very first time on mumsnet, and I'm overwhelmed with the number of responses! I've never even used the site before today, so am a total novice and didn't really know what to expect. Thanks especially to chopchopbusybusy and alicet who seem to have understood where I am coming from. I know we are very lucky that my children have grandparents who are interested in them and who are willing to travel so far to visit them. They have been visiting every 6 weeks for over 3 years, and I have never made them feel unwelcome or been rude to them. But it puts a lot of strain on me and my husband, and I was just wondering if anyone was in a similar position and if 6 weeks was a reasonable amount of time, or if I could try to convince my inlaws to leave it 8 weeks for example... Anyway, thanks again to everyone!

OP posts:
ally90 · 16/07/2008 14:48

Doris, have read your second post was going to ask for the whole story...

YANBU

But if you make any changes, your mil will try to control you and dh with emotional blackmail. The more you give in, the longer it will go on for when you do stand up to her. I can imagine the tension building up from the day they leave till only a short six weeks later and they are back and you don't know what you will have to deal with this time.

However YOU and DH are in control. You have a house and YOU BOTH control who goes in and out of it. You can also get caller id on your phone so you don't have to answer emotional 'oh woe is me' calls.

You and dh have to decide what you want from them. Stand together on it, stick together like glue and DON'T GIVE IN. You may want to ask for something...then allow a compromise (that you work out beforehand).

Or you may decide you don't want them around at all. Or they stay in a hotel and visit for only a couple of hours...or that you meet them outside your house only so your mil will possibly be more restrained in a social setting where there are other more normal people about (this would not stop my mother! But worth a thought).

This is your life, your children, you decide.

Btw...out of interest...would you give examples of your mil's behaviour from dh's childhood and now (entirely understand if you are not willing to )?

posieflump · 16/07/2008 14:50

I agree with chopchopbusybusy, it is too easy to say 'well you'll miss them when there gone' and completely miss the point of the thread

Original poster
Doris23 · 16/07/2008 14:58

In response to ally90:

My MIL is a hypercondriac and manic depressive, so much so that she regularly has MRIs and CAT scans and is always undergoing some kind of therapy etc as she is so convinced something is wrong with her - although luckily there never is. She was convinced my husband had cancer when he was a little boy and took him to every specialist she could - but again luckily he was fine. She is now into alternative therapy and diets etc, and tries to persuade me to do the same. When I was pregnant with my first child I regularly got letters telling me not to eat soya, use shampoo, use deoderant etc etc. Then last year she decided that my oldest child had a serious heart condition because he got blue lips after swimming when he was cold. We were on holiday when this became her new panic, and on one day alone I got 16 phone messages urging me to take my son to the hospital. This is just one example of the tip of the iceberg. She has a folder on baby shampoos and bath products and correspondence with the manufacturers because she is so concerned about the ingredients (and this is even the 'green', organic, chemical free products). When she visits I know she goes through my draws (bedroom and study) as she asks me about things she finds! So it can all be very stressful, but I do know she means well on some strange level!

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 16/07/2008 15:10

We have to have out-laws at ours or go to theirs every 6 weeks or so, and ours are 7 and 9!!!! It was VERY hard-going at first as they are the only DGC....

On the plus-side, they will look after the kids for us, even for a few days at a time. But the down-side is that they don;t always realise how much exercise / entertainment the younger one needs, and oldest is now compaining about going there because she misses clubs.

HonoriaGlossop · 16/07/2008 15:36

blimey Doris you seem to have the patience of a saint with her! She sounds very hard to deal with indeed and I imagine when she is in a manic phase she must be almost impossible.

What does your DH say about making it every 8 weeks? Because I think if it's going to happen then it needs to come from him really - it's not fair if it's you, after all they are his parents!

The other way I would deal with it is by giving eachother the day off when they come; so say for the Saturday, DH is on duty to 'protect' the kids from her and entertain them while you do a long list of lovely things from having your nails done to having a swim or something! Then you could do the same for him the next day if he wanted.....

then at least every 6 weeks you'd be looking forward to a nice day out, not just 2 days of torture!

lizandlulu · 16/07/2008 15:56

wow doris, you do seem to have lots of patience and understanding, i know it does come to a head sometimes though.

i think my biggest annoyance though would be her going through your drawers. that is going over the top.

could you ask them to change the visit to every 8 weeks instead of 6? you never know they might agree!! of get dh to ask instead, take the job out of your hands.

beanieb · 16/07/2008 16:34

How often do your mum and dad visit?

AbbeyA · 16/07/2008 16:58

Why have they actually moved 500+ miles away? Are they still working-is there a reason for them being so far away? It must be very tiring for them to do that journey so regularly!
I think you should try and change the routine and get rid of the camera and dictaphone (that makes me laugh but I can see that it is annoying!). Are they on email so that you could email photos on a regular basis?
I would sit down with them and say that now the DCs are a bit older it isn't so practical. As an alternative they could come less often but rent a cottage nearby for a week. Perhaps you could go on holiday with them. Go away for the night with DH while they are in your house. Think laterally for other ways of doing it.

aGalChangedHerName · 16/07/2008 17:02

I would say you are lucky to have interested gp's at all

My dc have 4 living healthy gp's but not one of them is interested.

My mum with the obligitary(sp) db's child with her visited my lot for the first time in 2 weeks today (live 20 mins away) and my dd's howled and sobbed when she left because she spends no time with them. Said today "you break my heart when you cry like that"

Well why don't you fucking visit them you silly bitch???

If i were you i would make the most of their visit. Arrange a regular night out with DH or the occasional night away and get them to babysit!!