to wonder why people think "weddings are all about families"?

[Elkat]

Okay, so if you have a church wedding, then I can see that but if you are not religious or of a different religion then its not surely...?

The legal requirements for a couple getting married are..

"In England and Wales the statutory declaration is:
I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, may not be joined in matrimony to

It is followed by these contracting words:
I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, do take thee, , to be my lawful wedded husband/wife.

There are also two legal alternative declarations.
Declarations: I know of no legal reason why I, , may not be joined in marriage to .
Or by relying ?I am? top the question: Are you, _ free lawfully to marry_?

These are followed by the contract:
I, , take you, to be my wedded wife/husband.
Or
I, _ take thee, _ to be my wedded wife/husband "

Now call me thick, but there is no reference to families there whatsoever.

I read a lot of threads on here where people seem to state that 'weddings are about families' and so X should happen or Y should be invited but why do people think that weddings must be about 'families'? Is it just their opinion? (In which case, that is just one view amongst many, and so cannot be projected onto other people or their weddings!)Or is there a more substantial reason? Cause to my mind, a civil marriage is about the legal joining of two people together. No more, no less. It just seems to be Mumsnet wisdom that 'weddings are about families' yet I do not understand this view and do not see why I should accept some random person's ideal of what a wedding is about without good reason. So all of you who think 'weddings are about families' please tell me the good reason you have for stating this view!

Ta.

Well having just spent the entire wedding getting to, attending and coming home from a very wonderful wedding, I can say categorically that in that case the wedding was uneqivocally about 'family' - ie the people that meant a great deal to the couple getting wed. But it was immediate family and lots of friends, not hosts of distant aunties, though if they could have afforded it they would have had them too! I don't doubt that they would have been OK about being married whether we were there or not, but as it was the revelled in the presence of those who loved them and wished them well. And I think that is usually the case for any wedding ceremony.

dp and i are both from dysfunctional families (him to a greater degree, me to a lesser extent) and have contemplated eloping... don't know if it will happen though.

That is what I think that weddings should be OrmIrian. I don't mind my DCs eloping but I would throw a party for them when they got back - a joint effort with new partner's family. I accept that some people are not lucky but they could at least aim for a loving relationship with their own children.

AbbeyA, why are you so determined that what you would do with respect to your friends and family is what everyone else should do? Your ways are not better than anyone else's. I always wonder about people who are obsessed with being 'normal' and enforcing conformity on others - what are you so scared of?

I didn't say that everyone else should do what I do. OP wondered why people thought weddings were about families and I told her why I thought they were about families.
I make no apologies for thinking it is better for a child to have families that get on together rather than one where everyone is arguing or refusing to see each other.
If I met a partner who wanted to separate me from my family the alarm bells would ring, I would assume that they were a control freak and stop the relationship. I believe that when you marry someone you embrace their family, if they have a normal family relationship themselves. I don't expect that my DS's relationship will last, because they are both in their teens, but he has already been to his girlfriend's aunt's wedding, to see her cousin's new baby and to her uncle's 50th birthday.His girlfriend spent Christmas with us and came to my FIL big birthday. No one put any pressure on any of this-they wanted to, it is IMO how families should operate. You can think or do whatever you please madamez but to me weddings are about families-OP can't expect everyone to agree with her.I seem to be in the minority so you should be pleased!

But this is about the WEDDING, the actual ceremony.

Just because someone elopes or has a tiny wedding because they can't afford the whole 'family' doesn't mean they're dysfunctional, don't have a good relationship with their families, won't have a good one with one another, etc.

It's about a ceremony. Some people like to have it at midnight outside under a tree jumping over a broomstick. Some people like to run away to Barbados and marry on a beach. As long as it's legal, what's the problem?

I don't see where it's very nice to be gutted or feel anything less than pleased for the happy couple for how they decided to have their wedding ceremony. There're all kinds of reasons for their decisions.

I think we are at cross purposes, the wedding is one day-I don't see that as important-do it how you like. But a wedding is two people joining together in a legal way and it is about joining the families.They are each becoming part of the parner's family. Once they have had the ceremony, they are part of the extended family. If my son's eloped that wouldn't be a problem but I would be contacting the new in laws and holding a family party on their return-to celebrate.

Maybe I misunderstood and OP is talking about one day.

Whether it's weddings or marriages, people who make this big a deal about faaaamly are either Eastenders scriptwriters, gangsters or complete bucketheads who are presumably trrified of not being liked for themselves and therefore never let go of a single blood relation, no matter how resistant the other person might be to the contact.

I don't think that anyone on here, madamez,could with complete honesty say that they wouldn't be hurt if their DC stopped contact with them. Maybe I am just lucky but my parents gave me unconditional love, I give my DCs unconditional love-I really can't see any reason why it won't continue.I can't think of anything more important to me in life than good family relationships and good friends.
The actual wedding is unimportant-in fact I hate the wasteful cost of them. My husband's nephew just got married and told everyone afterwards and then we had a lovely evening out with them celebrating. Friends got married with just a couple of friends,close family, restaurant meal, ordinary dress that could be worn again-seemed perfect to me. My cousin's daughter got married abroad-we could have gone if we had made it the summer holiday but we didn't want the expense. They were not upset one way or the other but shared the photo's of the day. I think that they were all much better than spending thousands on hen nights, evening do's etc.
What is important is loving relationships.I can't see the need for any jealousies or possessiveness etc.

Abbey, I really don't know what your point is apart from to state that whatever everybody else is doing is somehow sad or wrong - and yet you keep contradicting yourself. And whatever you think, you can't speak for everyone - or anyone - else on here. You do not know other people's circumstances. They are not your business. Not every family is a happy one. Not everyone has any family at all. And if two people who are getting married are from different countries then one set of aunts, uncles etc will be having far less contact with their neice/nephew than before for reasons which does not make them wicked or uncaring, but sheer practicality.

We had a rule at our wedding, having both been married before, that you could only come if you had our phone number. It's amazingly easy to whittle down the numbers to people that you care about and want to see you celebrate. Traditionally weddings have always been a celebration, usually for the local community, which in fairness would have included a lot of family. These days the meaning has become(with some welcome)a lot more diverse.

There's the rule. If they are 'phone-a-friends' or on your BT friends and family discount list, they get top table.

Your Facebook friends list does not count at any stage. That's just wrong.

OP asked why people thought weddings were about families so I told her why I thought that weddings were about families.You are free to disagree madamez. To me 2 people getting married is the amalgamation of 2 families to make one extended family. What they do on the day or who attends is immaterial- it is only making it legal-it is what happens afterwards that is important.
I am going to sign out of the pointlessness of this discussion. OP has never come back to say whether she was merely talking about the wedding day or the next xxyears.If she was talking about one day in a lifetime then families are not really important.Personally I would prefer to get married with all my family and friends wishing me well but I don't expect everyone else to feel the same.