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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why people think "weddings are all about families"?

88 replies

Elkat · 11/07/2008 15:11

Okay, so if you have a church wedding, then I can see that but if you are not religious or of a different religion then its not surely...?

The legal requirements for a couple getting married are..

"In England and Wales the statutory declaration is:
I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, may not be joined in matrimony to

It is followed by these contracting words:
I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, do take thee, , to be my lawful wedded husband/wife.

There are also two legal alternative declarations.
Declarations: I know of no legal reason why I, , may not be joined in marriage to .
Or by relying ?I am? top the question: Are you, _ free lawfully to marry_?

These are followed by the contract:
I, , take you, to be my wedded wife/husband.
Or
I, _ take thee, _ to be my wedded wife/husband "

Now call me thick, but there is no reference to families there whatsoever.

I read a lot of threads on here where people seem to state that 'weddings are about families' and so X should happen or Y should be invited but why do people think that weddings must be about 'families'? Is it just their opinion? (In which case, that is just one view amongst many, and so cannot be projected onto other people or their weddings!)Or is there a more substantial reason? Cause to my mind, a civil marriage is about the legal joining of two people together. No more, no less. It just seems to be Mumsnet wisdom that 'weddings are about families' yet I do not understand this view and do not see why I should accept some random person's ideal of what a wedding is about without good reason. So all of you who think 'weddings are about families' please tell me the good reason you have for stating this view!

Ta.

OP posts:

AbbeyA · 12/07/2008 13:13

Sorry -peculiar -I should proof read.

Sunflower100 · 12/07/2008 13:24

Weddings are about the couple - and who they want to invite - we thought long and hard about eloping but in the end just couldn't as it would have broken my mums and his mums hearts not to have been there. The day was a big p*ss up party and actually it was fab having family there as well as friends!

Bronze · 12/07/2008 13:35

To me weddings are about families but because when DH and I got married we became a family not because you have to invite every Tom Dick and Harriet you are related to.

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/07/2008 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 12/07/2008 13:43

I don't think you can ignore the traditions and expectations for your own family, and that of your soon to be dh without causing a great deal of pain, and that's hardly a good way to start a new family. I think it is because the traditions and expectations are in flux weddings are such a minefield. For me those occasions when all my family comes together are in general happy ones, because I really like most of my family and we don't get together that often. In dh's family there haven't been any weddings for a long time, and in my generation about half of my cousins have decided against getting married too. Not many of our friends have got married either so maybe that will be the way ahead.

jubbie · 12/07/2008 16:36

Jeess what a sour puss cynical lot you all are!

stitch · 12/07/2008 16:46

when two people start to be involved with each other, it impacts the people around them. the definition of 'family' can be different o everyone, but, whatever definition you have, the relationship of two people with each other is never alone in a vacuum. it always has repercussions on those around them, their 'family'
when they joing togeher and make a legal commitment to each other, that also impacts on the extended family, whatever that may or not be.
hence weddings are bout families. even if the family is twenty gay friends who are all sterile, and estranged from their biological relations. they are still family. just different definition of family from the traditional one.

AbbeyA · 12/07/2008 17:13

I can't believe that you all want to bring up your DCs and be there at all the important landmarks in the life of your DC and then suddenly, when they get married, you are told that it is nothing to do with families! I for one would be in floods of tears! I would have been in floods of tears if my mother hadn't come to my wedding! I found it very upsetting that my father had died the year before-he left a huge gap.

madamez · 13/07/2008 22:51

There are lots of reasons why people might not want their 'families' at their weddings. They might have cut contact with their parents due to abuse. They might not be in conatct with their blood relatives because the blood relatives are a bunch of bigots who want to kill them. They might have been left in a cardboard box and brought up in an orphanage. It's all very well to blubber and posture about what 'family' means to you, but other people in different circumstances are under no obligation to live up to the views of some or other moronic mundane with no imagination.

expatinscotland · 13/07/2008 22:55

I agree with madamez and ScottishMummy.

It's a legal contract between two people. You have to have some form of wedding in order to be legally married, some ceremony in public where you make the legal declarations to each other that you are married.

I like to think I'm not so precious about my adult children that if they chose to elope the way we did we can't get over it.

I mean, if that's what makes them happy, then that's what makes me happy.

AbbeyA · 13/07/2008 22:56

Do I take it then madamez that you will be quite happy for your DC to sever ties when he/she gets married and you won't mind being told that it is nothing to do with families and they don't want you there?

expatinscotland · 13/07/2008 22:57

As my father always said - and he and my mother have been married for 44 years now - it's about you and him. I'm the one who wakes up to your mother every day, and she next to me, NO ONE else in your family does that.

Marriage and the ceremony that celebrates it is about two people.

expatinscotland · 13/07/2008 22:58

It wouldn't be the end of the world to me, Abbey.

AbbeyA · 13/07/2008 22:59

Will you still be happy then expatinscotland if DIL or SIL says that you are not their family and they don't intend having anything to do with you-marriage is all about the couple?

expatinscotland · 13/07/2008 22:59

there'd be nothing much i can do about it, abbey.

so i certainly wouldn't let it destroy my life.

AbbeyA · 13/07/2008 23:00

It would be the end of the world to me!! I wouldn't mind them eloping as it would save a lot of money but I would expect them both to be members of my family.

expatinscotland · 13/07/2008 23:01

my DH and I eloped.

our witnesses were two blokes on their lunch hour sitting on a bench.

we still have a great relationship with both sets of parents and all our siblings.

our elopement wasn't greated with 'floods of tears' and tbh i'm glad our folks were bigger people than that and just happy for us.

because 7 years and nearly 3 kids later, we still are!

expatinscotland · 13/07/2008 23:02

if you don't mind their eloping then how can you say weddings are about family?

by definition, when you elope, the wedding ceremony takes place without the family around.

Psychomum5 · 13/07/2008 23:05

as much as I love weddings, I will be encouraging my DD's to elope......

not least because I wish to still have a good relationship after, and I am not sure tthat will happen as I can see me being very 'monica from friends-like' for the arranging.

sooooo

weddings are for families IF (and only IF), they can stay calm.

and show me one family that does.....

AbbeyA · 13/07/2008 23:05

The wedding is one day-not that important. It is important that they are then a member of the family. Perhaps I am getting a bit muddled here. Marriage is about families -extended families are important IMO -the actual wedding doesn't matter so much. Often people who have the most elaborate weddings are often divorced pretty soon anyway!It is late-I am off to bed.

MrsTittleMouse · 14/07/2008 09:03

I am hoping that DD will get married (or have a civil partnership - too young to know which she would prefer!). I also hope that I could be there at the wedding and that DH could walk her down the aisle - he would burst with pride.
On the other hand, I don't think that it's our right to be there and I hope that I wouldn't try to influence her about the type of wedding that she has.

Regarding the marriage - I stand by my case that there are a lot of marital problems aired on MN that are a direct result of the extended families not being able to keep out of the marriage. A marriage is a private arrangement between two people! I don't think that being married is an excuse to ignore and neglect your parents, but that's a seperate issue IMO.

madamez · 14/07/2008 11:35

What some peopole don't undrstand is that you have no right to a relationship with anyone. You can't force an adult to stay in contact with you, 'ove you or respect you if they don't want to, and the more you whine and cling to a person, the faster they will run away.
Now th majority of people do have good, friendly relationships with their parents, their siblings, and their inlaws - in the case of inlaws, most peple can get on with them even if they are not best buddies. But some people don't deserve respect or loyalty because they are abusive, or controlling, or bigoted, self-obsessed, or in the grip of an addiction that makes them unbearable to be around. IUf you have a reasonable relationship with your parents and your prospective in laws, fine, enjoy it, but stop all this witless bleating about what hypothetical other people do in circumstances about which you know fuck all.

AbbeyA · 14/07/2008 13:16

In a normal, happy ,family- weddings are about families. It would never cross my mind to think about rights. I don't whine or cling to anyone!
Dysfunctional families would be different but I thought that OP was just talking about families in general.

KatieDD · 14/07/2008 13:21

I disagree wedding are, or should be about 2 families coming together, but of course it's all me me me these days, my dress, my photo's, my party my friends etc. On some wedding boards I've been amazed how little input even the groom gets, it's like they are another accessory to the whole circus.
Completely lost the true meaning, but then so has Christmas and Christenings and most "occassions" these days hence we tend not to bother with any of them and have random get togethers when the mood takes us.

expatinscotland · 14/07/2008 13:24

'In a normal, happy ,family- weddings are about families.'

We both come from non-dysfucntional families.

We eloped. We found it romantic.

In my lovely, large, non-dysfunctional family, several of hte couples have eloped and had long, happy marriages that only ended when one of the parties died.

But somehow, it's indicative of being non-dysfunctional.

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